SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
GK: It was January and like other Minnesotans I was trying not to think about the collapse of our beloved Vikings football team, which started out the season like a house afire and wound up smouldering ashes in a game I watched at the Five Spot-----
TR (TV ANNC): Just seconds to go----- this is going to be the last desperation play for the Cardinals ----- And McCown is back (RISING CROWD REACTION)---- he's looking for a receiver in the end zone -----there's the pass---- he has it-----(BIG AUDIENCE CHEER) IT'S A TOUCHDOWN FOR ARIZONA. ARIZONA BEATS THE VIKINGS---- (CLICK)
GK: Oh boy. (SNAP OF PENCIL BROKEN IN ANGER) Again. How can a team go from being 6 and 0 to----- Why did I allow myself to hope? Why? -----What are you smiling about?
TK: Who? Me?
GK: Yeah. What's the big grin on your mug for?
TK: Just a happy guy, that's all.
GK: You from Wisconsin?
TK: Something wrong with that?
GK: Just answer the question.
TK: You got a problem with Wisconsin?
GK: I got a problem with you.
TR (JIMMY): Hey hey hey----..Didn't your mother tell you? it's only a game. What can I get you? More peanuts. A beer?
TK: You got Leinenkugel?
TR (JIMMY): Sure. Coming right up. (RUMMAGES IN BOTTLES. OPEN BOTTLE) You want a glass?
TK: Naw. I'd rather drink it from the bottle and rub some cheese on the rim.
GK: Oh boy, I gotta sit here watching the Vikings fold and who should be sitting next to me but some yahoo from Wisconsin----..(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. LADY FOOTSTEPS, SLOW.) And then I turned and saw this creature walking toward me. She was tall and lean, lean in some places and less so in others. (HEARTBEAT) She wore a green and gold dress so tight it could have stopped an arterial hemhorrage, and her body made a sort of booming sound as she walked, and then I realized, that was my heart.
SS (BREATHY): Hi. I heard cheering so I thought I'd come in.
GK: It was just something on television. Just a game.
SS: Oh. Was it good?
TK: It was beautiful.
GK: Shut up. ----- Can I offer you something to drink, Miss-----?
SS: Liebeschoen. Vedanta Liebeschoen.
GK: Have a seat, Miss Liebeschoen. Over here, by me. That man is eating cheese. You don't want to get that all over your nice dress, do you. -----A sarsaparilla for the lady, Jimmy.
TK: Tough luck, Vikings losing like that in the closing seconds to a rinky-dink team and seeing the whole season go down the toilet, huh?
GK: Spare me the sympathy. Never mind him, Miss Liebeschoen.
SS: I get this sense of tremendous energy from sports.
TK: You mind switching the channel and catching the tail end of the Green Bay Packers game? Thanks.
GK: Oh boy. Here we go.
TR (TV ANNC, AUDIO) And the Packers fans have just learned of the Viking loss (AUDIENCE ROARD). Men are cracking their skulls together. Women and children are hyperventilating with joy. The Pack is in the playoffs! (AUDIENCE ROAR) (CLICK)
TK: What'd you turn it off for?
GK: Game's over. They won.
TK: So? Maybe I want to see the festivities.
GK: So you can gloat?
TK: Just want to appreciate some great football.
GK: Well, go back to Wisconsin and do it. This is St. Paul.
TK: What's your problem? Geeze. What a sorehead.
SS: Was that the Green Bay Packers?
GK: It was. And their fans. Unbelievable. Vikings fans, we're easy-going. Hey, you win some, you lose some. Packers----all these borderline psychotics sitting in bars and cursing us. It's primeval. These men sitting bare-chested at Lambeau Field in December painted green and gold, drunk as skunks, pouring Miller Lite on each other. It's like some barbaric religion.
SS: My daddy was a big Packer fan.
GK: I'm not saying it's wrong or anything. As a matter of fact, I always had a soft spot for the Pack. ----
TR (JIMMY): That's good. Cause they're your team now.
GK: What are you talking about?
TR (JIMMY): I guess you didn't see today's newspaper, huh?
GK: What about it?
TR (JIMMY): It's right here. (UNFOLDS NEWSPAPER) On the front page.
GK: "Wisconsin Acquires Minnesota, Plans Consolidation. Gopher State To Become Western Subdivision & " What is this all about?
JD: Perhaps I can explain. (STING)
GK: Who're you?
JD: I'm Jim Doyle. I'm the governor of Wisconsin.
GK: You have any picture identification?
JD: I've got the state seal right here. (SEAL BARKS) We just dropped in to pick up some of the state beverage.
GK: Well, welcome to our state.
JD: You mean, Welcome to our state. You're part of Wisconsin now.
GK: What's this about?
JD: We've decided to take pre-emptive action against the threat of WMDs.
GK: What's that?
JD: Wisconsin-bound Minnesota Drivers.
GK: Hey, we have to drive in Wisconsin. It's how we get to Chicago.
TR: Very funny. You heard about the big pile-ups on the Interstate?
GK: In the ice storm? Right.
JD: All rear-ended each other. Eighty or ninety of them. Took us hours to haul the wreckage away. Minnesota drivers. They can't drive in snow or ice. It all comes from playing football in a domed stadium. You lose your ability to cope. They're WMDs. Worst Motorists Driving.
GK: And this is why you're taking over Minnesota?
JD: And the fact that your state bird is a loon.
TK: Welcome to Western Wisconsin.
GK: But our University----
JD: We made it a branch of UW. UW-Minneapolis.
GK: Our proud history----.
TK: Jesse (The Body) Ventura? You call that proud history?
TR (JESSE): Somebody mention my name??? (STING) (UNDERSCORE)
GK: Suddenly, the former governor of Minnesota strode through the door, his perfectly proportioned body glistening with Vaseline, his biceps flexed, his pectorals poised, his glutes gleaming, his bald head aglow.
TR (JESSE): Let me say this just once. I am the man. You want to take my state, you're gonna have to wrest it from my cold dead hands. I'm ready. Let's see what you're made of, Mr. Doily.
JD: There's a new sheriff in town, Jesse. You're looking at him. And the name is Doyle. Why don't you crawl back down your spider hole and I won't have to hurt you.
TR (JESSE): Bring it on, I say. Bring it on, you little skim cheesehead. I will lay waste to you and take your cheese and hurl your beer.
JD: You're over, mister. You're the most over person around. You used to be a dangerous man, Mr. Ventura, now you're just a speedbump.
TR (JESSE): You? Ha! You've got the charisma of a bran muffin. Bring it on, you bottom feeder----
JD: You want some heat, I've got some heat for you. I'm going to chokeslam, dropkick, clothesline you from one end of town to the other. This is going to be shorter than Brittany Spears' marriage. When I get done with you, you are going to be so traumatized you're gonna need a grief counselor.
TR (JESSE): Bring it on. Cage match. Two out of three.
JD: Fine. Here's the cage. (CRANE LOWERING) (DOOR OPENS)
TR (JESSE): Hooya. You're on. (OFF) Okay, ya big meatball. Come on in and meet your match. I'm gonna grab you by your turkey neck and ----- (DOOR CLANK SHUT, TWO LOCKS RATCHET SHUT) Hey. What you doing? Open that door. What's going on here?
JD: Sending you to the Circus Museum in Baraboo. Take him away, boys. (CRANE, TR JESSE PROTESTS FADING)
GK: Guess you handled him. -----Does this mean that Minnesotans have to take the driver's test over?
JD: Yes, it does. But after six to eight months of driver training, you should be okay----
GK: I can't believe that you're taking over our state. The land of ten thousand lakes being taken over by the land of ten thousand waterparks. Why?
JD: You ever hear of the No States Left Behind Act?
GK: No.
JD: It provides that a state that is not performing up to standards needs to be taken over and administered by outsiders and somebody's got to do it, so here we are. Just be glad we got to you before you became East Dakota.
TK: And we've sold the Vikings to Oslo. They'll be in the Norwegian Football League where they belong.
JD: Minnesota just isn't working anymore. Failing football scores, bad drivers, waves of migrants----- maybe we can get it turned around in five years ---- I don't know. But don't worry about it. Here's a Packers cap. Come on, Tommy. (SEAL) (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR OPEN,JINGLE,CLOSE)
GK: Nice guy, the governor. So what line of work you in, Miss Liebeschoen?
SS: I don't work. I'm the heiress to an enormous fortune that becomes mine at noon on Thursday.
GK: I see.
SS: My family owned two thousand acres of broccoli farms near Rhinelander, and on Thursday I inherit forty-three million dollars earned from raising vegetables high in iron and associated with male potency.
TK: Odd you should mention it, I'm a vegetarian myself.
GK: Butt out, would you. The lady and I are having a private conversation.
TK: I've always admired broccoli's highly developed central nervous system.
GK: Would you excuse us?
TK: Listen, sweetheart, anytime you want this blowhard to go away, you just say the word and he's gone.
GK: Would you mind taking your hand off the lady's arm? Where were you brought up anyway? ----- Liebeschoen. That's a German name, isn't it?
SS: Yes. Are you German?
GK: Yes. Noir. It comes from Renoir. The painter. Whose real name was Renoschen, or Kenosha, or something.
SS: There's just something German about you.
GK: Well---- hier in des abends traulich ernster stille, kann erst das leben freudig gestalten----
SS: Why you----you pervert!
GK: What did I say?
SS: You know perfectly well. (SLAP ACROSS THE FACE. FAST FOOTSTEPS)
GK: No, wait! Don't go! (FAST FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) Miss Liebeschoen! (FAST FOOTSTEPS) (BRIDGE) She dashed out the door and I followed her ---- (FOOTSTEPS) Miss Liebschoen! --- and I stepped in a big pile of (SPLOSH, GK ALARM, FALL, SLIGHT CRACK) ---- and landed on my keester ---- and the dog whose pile that was (SNARL) got upset about me stepping in it (HARSH SNARL) ----- hold your dog back, mister----- and then I notice the dog's owner was blind (WHIPPING CANE) and he's whipping his white cane back and forth ----- hey, watch it with the cane---- and he (RIP) slashes a big hole in my pants just as a (SPEEDING CAR) taxi comes through a mud puddle (BIG WHOOSH OF WATER) ----- and two guys carrying a piece of plate glass slip and (GUYS ALARM, BIG GLASS CRASH) ----- and you know, if I hadn't been a Minnesota Vikings fan, it would've bothered me, but as it was, it was just one more thing.
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye