GK: Listening to the radio out in the Midwest, my first impressions of New York were gained from listening to the radio and to one show in particular, and in homage to it, and to radio of my youth, and to the acting styles of yesteryear, we'd like to do for you now one episode of that beloved old show----..
GK: In the heart of the busy metropolis, where the shining steel tracks extend underground north and south and west, here in the marble temple of transport, lives converge and intersect ---- new connections are made and goodbyes are said forever ---- it happens every hour day and night in PORT AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL.
GK: It turned cold in New York (WIND) and in Central Park, the wind came whipping across the soccer fields (WIND) and the man with the bulldog stood with his back to the wind and wished he were home drinking mulled wine in his warm apartment.
TR: Just hurry up, would ya. Don't have to go around sniffing every bush and tree ---- Pick a spot and do what you gotta do. (DOG PANTING, WAGGING ITS TAIL, CHAIN JINGLING) Come on. Please. (DOG WHINE) Get it done. She said she was gonna call me later if she was free. I don't want to miss the call. (DOG BARK)
GK: The man is in the toy business, he's a toy developer, and his latest brainchild, Baby's First Beehive, didn't sell well at Christmas.
TR: It was an innovation! ---- introducing small children to beekeeping. But ----it was before its time and the company never got behind it. Tough. Hope they don't fire me on Monday. (BRIDGE)
GK: Meanwhile, on the 30th floor of the Parkhurst, a beautiful woman in a black dress looks out on the park. She is the wife of an Iowa geometry teacher who is in New York for a convention. (TRAFFIC FAR BELOW)
SS: New York. It's what I dreamed of all my life. You've made me so happy, Wendell. ----- Wendell?
FN: Just checkin' the score of that Miami game. (TV AUDIO, TR (ANNC, UNDER) : And we have a time out for measurement----..field officials call out the chain gang----- a big third-down play for the Dolphins------) You tell me when you want to go.
SS: I thought we were going out to dinner and a show.
FN: We are. Just checking the score.
SS: We're in New York, Wendell. The city lies before us, resplendent and glittering.
TR (ANNC, UNDER)): It looks to me as if they may have come up a couple inches short on that first-down attempt, John---- what do you think? (2ND JOWLY VOICE, UNINTELLIGIBLE) (UNDER----)
FN: You tell me when you're ready, I'll be there. (BRIDGE)
GK: Meanwhile, at the Broadhurst Theater, backstage----.
FN (MUFFLED): Ten minutes, Miss Barcelona.
SS: Thank you. ----- (SHE IS DOING HER MAKEUP)
AF (REVERB): Hi. It's me. Craig. You threw away my picture but it's hard to get me out of your mind, isn't it. We came to New York together, Tina. Lived together. We were waiters on the night shift at Howard Johnson's on Time Square. Then you got your big break. And you dumped me. Left me out in the cold. I'm still at Howard Johnson's,Tina. You never come in anymore. (BITTER LAUGHTER)
FN (MUFFLED): Five minutes, Miss Barcelona.
FN: You need something, Miss Barcelona?
SS: I just feel so nervous, suddenly. I can't remember my first line. And I forget what play I'm in.
FN: It's a musical and it's called "Happy Hoofers" ----
SS: Oh.
FN: And your first number is "Hey Hey Hey It's a Wonderful Day". (STING, INTO BRIDGE) (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, TRAFFIC IN BACKGROUND)
GK: Meanwhile, in Central Park, the man stands in the bitter cold and waits for the dog. (WIND)
TR: Listen to me. Five more minutes and that's it. If you don't do something, we're going home and I put some newspaper down. (DOG WOOFS) I've gotta be there ifshe calls. I saw her on stage and I can't get her out of my mind. O Tina------ if you only were mine, this dark cold world would look so different. (BRIDGE)
GK: Nearby at the Parkhurst Hotel, the geometry teacher and his wife head for the Broadhurst to see the show ----
FN: What's the matter with Dad?
SS: You don't seem to want to go to the show.
FN: Of course I do.
SS: Well, you don't seem that enthusiastic.
FN: But if there's tap-dancing, I'm going to leave. I mean it.
SS: Oh, get a grip.
TR: Never mind me. I'm just a guy standing out in the wind. (DOG WOOF) Just go your merry way and think about yourself and do what you want. (WOOFS, FADING, RUNNING). (TO HIMSELF) Maryanne says they've had 98% returns on Baby's First Beehive. That's even worse than the Itsy Bitsy Spider. I kept telling people: it's educational. The spiders won't bite. They're not poisonous. Why are Americans so afraid of nature anyway? (WOOF) Hey! Where you goin? (WOOF, OFF) Dogs. Go where they want. Do what they please. Fall in love with somebody new every day. Wish I were a dog. (BIG MAGICAL GLISS) Oh boy. (JINGLE OF COLLAR) Come on. God. It was just a manner of speaking! Why do you go and do this to me? God? (JINGLE) (HE BARKS) Come on! Change me back, God. You hear me? (NEARBY WOOF) Or change me into a bigger dog. (WOOFING COMES CLOSE) Oh my gosh. How do you run on four feet? (JINGLE OF TR DOG RUNNING ON LITTLE SHORT FEET, TR PANTING) (HORN HONK, BRAKES SQUEAL) (TR RUNNING, JINGLING)
AF; Hey! Pooch!
TR: Thanks, God, I'm safe.
AF: Come here----.. (PANTING)
TR: Don't hurt me, mister. I'm a dog but I'm also a guy.
AF: Whose little dog are you, huh? You got a name?
TR: Got a name, got an apartment, and up until a minute ago, I had a life. Don't pick me up---- don't pick me up----- don't---- please don't----- (GROAN) oh that's hard on the ribs------ ohhhhhhh
AF: C'mon, pal. Let's head home and get you some dog biscuits. (BRISK FOOTSTEPS)
TR: I'd rather have a nice glass of Cabernet, if you want to know the truth. Ouch. (BRIDGE)
GK: "Happy Hoofers" lasted exactly two hours and twenty-five minutes including intermission and got fifteen laughs in the exact right places and a standing ovation for the final number--.. (TAP DANCING TO-----
ALL: It's a wonderful
A very wonderful
A wonderful place to be
In N---Y----C------ (HUGE APPLAUSE) (BRIDGE)
After the show, the geometry teachers including the woman in black had her husband who hated the dancing found their way to the Club Muchacho on West 44th, where after a couple drinks they were were dancing the samba (GLEEFUL TEACHERS, SAMBA BEAT, PERCUSSION) as the waiters brought flaming desserts (POOFS OF BURSTS OF FLAME, CRIES OF DELIGHT) . Their convention, "Interfacing Virtual Curricula," was over and they were happy (WHOOPS OF PLEASURE), and didn't notice a man leading a dog walking by, heading for the Port Authority Bus Terminal.
AF: I know she's there, waiting for her bus. She's going to be surprised to see me. (BRIDGE) (AMBIENCE BUS STATION)
GK: Miss Barcelona waited in the bus terminal for her bus to Connecticut. (STATION AMBIENCE) She wore headphones, trying to shut out the squalor around her, and listened to a jazz show on the radio---- (COOL JAZZ BASS)
TR (HIPSTER ON RADIO): Hey. Welcome to the Pad. I'm your host, David David, with cool sounds in the night. The music of the airshaft. The hum of the tires, the jingle of the keys, the song of the city. Yeah. (COOL JAZZ BASS)
SS: (LIGHTS CIGARETTE, INHALES) Who wrote the no-smoking laws in this city? Mormons? Heck, I go to a bar, I expect to smoke----- I don't care what those clean air fanatics think, bars are supposed to be smoky. You think I wanna look at these people? Come on. Get real.
AF: Hi, Tina. It's been awhile.
SS: Craig. You got a dog.
AF: Found him one day in the park.
TR (DOG): It's her. Oh my gosh.
SS: Why are you looking here?
AF: I think you know why.
SS: I don't know, that's why I'm asking. If I knew, I wouldn't ask.
AF: You know how I feel about you.
SS: I don't. So tell me.
TR: I wonder if she'd let me sniff her.
AF: I'm still crazy about you.
SS: How would I know that?
AF: You know that. All those nights, long ago in the kitchen of Howard Johnson's on Broadway, when we chopped cabbage for cole slaw and talked ----- you were there-----
SS: So what?
AF: You know what.
SS: Tell me anyway.
AF: Tell you what?
SS: Tell me why I should care. (SHE LAUGHS BITTERLY) I've changed, Craig. I got everything I ever wanted and you know something? I don't care. It matters not one whit. (GLASS CRASH) Life is an illusion, Craig.
TR: Boy, she's got a good point there.
SS: It means nothing. Life is a cruel hoax.
TR: Couldn't agree with you more. (SNUFFLING)
SS: Why is your dog sniffing me? -----
AF: Cut it out. Leave her alone.
TR: I can't. I'm in love. (JINGLE OF COLLAR)
SS: I used to have a dog just like him. Then he ran away. His name was Snuggles. Oh, you look so sweet. Give me a kiss. Come on. Give me a kiss.
TR: Bend down and I will.
AF; (IN DISGUST) You're kissing a dog on the lips????? (MAGICAL GLISS)
TR: Hi.
SS: Where'd you come from?
AF: Who are you, mister? And where's my dog?
TR: What does it matter?
SS: Somehow I feel I've been waiting for you half my life. (ROMANTIC MUSIC STARTS COMING UP)
TR: Then it's good I arrived when I did.
AF: Hey, where you going?
(INTERIOR. PORT AUTHORITY. ANNOUNCER: Buses leaving----.for Westport, Northport, New Haven, Freeport, Melrose, Sauk Center----)
SS: They're calling my bus.
TR: And now it's my bus too.
GK: In the heart of the busy metropolis lives converge and intersect ---- new connections are made and goodbyes are said forever ---- every hour day and night in PORT AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL.