SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Wild Bill Brand Inflatable Doughnut..they fit any saddle.....And now let's join Dusty and Lefty for today's exciting adventure....
GK: Hey, Dusty? Dusty? Wake up---- pardner. It's morning. Wake up there, Dusty.
GK: Hey, Dusty, wake up. Hey!
TR: Huh? What? Is it morning already?
GK: Yep. It's morning. Time to get out of bed and resume the sufferin.
TR:(HE SITS UP, STRETCHES) I dreamed we was riding our horses through the surf at Malibu and there was a girl riding with us by the name o' Morning Star Kiwi Fruit. A delicate young thing.
GK: We ain't in Malibu, Dusty. We're in the San Luis Obispo County Jail. And our trial is today at 10 a.m.
TR: Oh. ---- Well, we're innocent. When we shot that coyote, we had no idea that it was a cocker spaniel.
GK: Shooting people's pets is a serious crime in California, Dusty.
TR: We had no idea! It looked like a coyote! Slouching along in the dark.
GK: We're looking at doing time in prison, Dusty.
TR: Man O man. Just when things were starting to look good.
GK: Yeah. Just arrived here in paradise and next thing you know we are charged with a heinous crime. Hey, turn on that TV, Dusty----- News is on.
TR: That's the last thing we need is news. (CLICK)
SS (TV AUDIO, WEEPING): She was just a little dog ---- how could anyone mistake her for a predator? Our Mitzi?
GK: Oh boy. And look, she's got a kid.
TR (CHILD, TV AUDIO): Mitzi. My little Mitzi. She saved my life when I fell into the Jacuzzi.
GK: We're goners, Dusty. The kid is going to testify.
SS (TV AUDIO, WEEPING): She was Ricky's best friend. She was----(SOBS)
GK: Turn it off. (CLICK)
GK: (PACING) The dog's been on the critical list for a month now. If she dies, you and I'll be singing Christmas carols in leg irons. O Come All Ye Felons.
TR: Oh, don't worry, we'll think of something.
GK: Hush----- It's the deputy.(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ON STONE FLOOR.) Morning, Deputy. (DEPUTY UNLOCKS STEEL-BAR GATE, IT CREAKS OPEN, HE WALKS IN, SETS DOWN TWO TIN PLATES, TWO TIN CUPS) How are you this fine morning, deputy? Good to see you.
TR (GUARD, KIRK): There is yer breakfast. Powdered eggs, dry toast, cold coffee, and a bowl of slops.
GK: No croissants or double latte? No fresh fruit?
TR (GUARD, KIRK): Not for two cocker spaniel killers, no.
GK: It wasn't murder. We thought she was a coyote. Besides, the dog ain't dead. She's still hanging on.
GK: Hmmmm. Who's this coming? Nice perfume. Smells like glazed doughnuts.(FOOTSTEPS STOP)
SS: Morning, gentlemen. (CELL DOOR CLOSES, LOCKS. FOOTSTEPS OFF) My name is Phoebe Peabody, and I'll be defending you in court today. Take these----
GK: What are these?
SS: These are remorse tablets.
TR (DUSTY): What do they do?
SS: Take two now and in a couple hours when we're in court they'll help you cry.
GK: Ma'am, we're cowboys. We don't do that in public.
SS: You're gonna do it today. And you're gonna take off that belt buckle and put on something conservative
GK: My Dolly Parton belt buckle has got to go?
SS: Both of them. Yes. And go wash your hair. And moisturize, while you're at it. Your skin is dry and leathery and it's all crinkly around the corner of your eyes. Makes you look like criminals. And stop squinting.
TR: We're cowboys, ma'am. We been squinting all our lives.
SS: Well, give it a break.
GK: We'd look dumb if we didn't squint.
SS: Narrowed eyes are no substitute for actual intelligence. Look at George Bush.
GK: We can't not squint. No more than we could fly.
SS: If I don't get you off, you may have to learn that too---- (BRIDGE)
TR: Maybe we ought to plead temporary insanity.
GK: I don't know about the temporary part.
TR: I could tell em how you talk to yourself on the trail.
GK: I never talked to myself.
TR: Who were you talking to, then?
GK: Guess.
TR: Me?
GK: You were the only one there.
TR: What was it you were saying then?
GK: Well, on the night in question, I was saying, That is sure a weird looking coyote --- what is that, a scarf around its neck? (PAUSE, A FEW FOOTSTEPS)
TR: You said that to me?
GK: I did. Hey, turn on the news, let's find out how she is. (FOOTSTEPS, SWITCH ON TV)
SS (TV AUDIO): he said it remained to be seen what the effect of the committee's action would be, if any. And finally ---- 8-year-old Ricky of San Luis Obispo clings to hope as his beloved cocker spaniel Mitzi fights for her life after being shot by two homeless men.
GK: Homeless!
SS (TV AUDIO): Doctors at the Lassie Memorial Medical Center said that blood donors were urgently needed who are of Mitzi's extremely rare blood type ---- type A Y positive.
GK: Hmmm. What's your blood type, Dusty?
TR: Type A. Why?
GK: You positive?
GK: That was great you were able to save Mitzi's life with a transfusion of your blood, Dusty.
TR: Yeah, the blood alcohol level really perked her up.
GK: Sure is good to be back on the train again, Dusty. (HE WHOOPS) Boy, it feels good. Wide open spaces.
TR: Nothing like incarceration to give a man a decent appreciation for the great out of doors.
GK: We are free to use coarse language ----
TR: Dagnab it!
GK: What in the sam hill? Feels good, don't it.
TR: Tarnation!
GK: We can squint all we want. No need to cry.
GK: We can sing.
TR: If you're going to sing, then I guess there is a need to cry. (STRUM) Oh Lord. What's the song about?
GK: Personal experience.
TR: I was afraid of that.
GK: (SINGS) He was a dog, a cocker spaniel,
With a face like Truman Capote
But I do not have a canine manual
And to me he looked like a coyote.
He was somebody's darling pet,
But to me he was just a silhouette.
I did not see the scarf he wore,
His Calvin Klein canine garment,
I thought he was a predator
Just one more useless varmint.
And so I shot the little mutt
Thinking that he was a coy-
Ote, shot him in the butt,
Not seeing his DKNY
Hat in the evening gloom
Nor smelling his Allure perfume.
The moral of this song of mine:
No makeover can be total.
A dog will always be canine.
And now I guess, it's time to yodel.
TR: So that pretty much get the creative urge out of your system?
GK: For now. Yes.
TR: Give me some warning when you feel another one coming on, okay?
GK: Okay. Where we headed, pardner?
TR: Thought we'd head up to Arcata. Nice town if you like fog.
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Oklahoma Brand Barn Door Openers...when you come home too tired to get off your horse (WHINNY), just open your barn door automatically. (BEEP. CREAK OF BARN DOOR OPENING) (MUSIC PLAY OFF)