TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
GK: It was one of those cold days in November when the sky is gray and the landscape is good and bleak and you sort of lose touch with reality and imagine that you're not in Minnesota, maybe it's only a movie, one of those existential black-and-white movies and in just a moment the director will say Cut and then there will be full color again. I'd had plenty of time to study the clouds and watch the birds heading south. These are hard times for private eyes, thanks to Google, which makes it easier for people to do their own snooping, so while my clients are on the world wide web, I sit and watch spiders making their webs, some of them attached to me.
GK: Yeah, Noir here.
TR (ARNOLD): Mr. Noir, this is the governor of California.
GK: Good to hear from you, sir. Congratulations. You looked terrific on television. How's everything going?
TR (ARNOLD): It's going okay.
GK: Okay! You've triumphed, Governor. It's like you said in one of your movies ---- you've come to crush your enemies and hear the lamentation of their women! Do you know how upset they are in San Francisco?? Those people have gnash marks on their teeth.
TR (ARNOLD): Yeah, I know, but ---- you know that gray suit I wore to the inauguration?
GK: The gray Prada suit---- yes, of course.
TR (ARNOLD): Maria said it made my butt look big.
GK: I didn't notice that, Governor.
TR (ARNOLD): I don't want to go around with a big butt, you know.
GK: Well, they say that black has a slimming effect.
TR (ARNOLD): Black is for maitre'ds.
GK: How about a gray herringbone?
TR (ARNOLD): In California?
GK: No? No herringbone?
TR (ARNOLD): California is not about herring. It's about salmon. I've got a suit that's salmon. What do you think?
GK: I wouldn't.
TR (ARNOLD): Listen---- could you come out here? As a consultant?
GK: A consultant, huh? I had a cat once and we had him neutered but he still went out at night and served as a consultant.
TR (ARNOLD): That's what I want you to consult about.
GK: What?
TR (ARNOLD): There were allegations made about me and various women and groping and so forth and I promised a full investigation and I want you to investigate me and report to me any findings.
GK: You want me to investigate you and give you a report.
TR (ARNOLD): Anything I did that was wrong, I want to know about it first.
GK: Sounds like a plan. (BRIDGE) So I flew out to San Diego. And went through customs.
SS: Step up to the line, hold your arms out to your sides, turn your head and cough. (COUGH) Name?
GK: My name's Noir.
SS: Are you a Democrat?
GK: Do I look like a Democrat?
SS: You look like you might have been at one time.
GK: Maybe. Briefly.
SS: How long ago?
GK: Years ago. I was 18. I read Grapes of Wrath. It took me awhile to get over it.
SS: Do you listen to Rush?
GK: Religiously.
SS: Without taking painkillers?
GK: Right.
SS: Have you ever suggested, or known anyone who suggested, a tax increase?
GK: The very thought of it is repellent to me.
SS: Do you pledge allegiance on a regular basis?
GK: Every morning. I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republicans for whom it stands.
SS: Do you believe in God?
GK: Absolutely.
SS: Which one?
GK: The true one.
SS: Our God?
GK: Exactly.
SS: The one who appeared to us in the form of a bush?
GK: That's him.
SS: All right. (STAMPING) We're granting you a 30-day probationary visa to San Diego. But get yourself a new suit.
GK: Navy blue isn't good ----
SS: Not on you. Try salmon. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was met by a man who was obviously an aide to the governor (TR GERMAN) and he led me to the helicopter pad where a chopper picked me up (HELICOPTER) and we headed east, pausing only to strafe some aliens sneaking through the sagebrush (MACHINE GUNS) and eventually it took me to a huge building, almost like a airplane hangar, outside of town. (CHOPPER DESCENDS) And there a giant Hummer (REVS) drove me a hundred yards to the back door (SCREECH OF BRAKES) and I was ejected (EXPLOSION AND WHOOSH) a couple hundred feet in the air and my parachute burst open (SFX) and I drifted down to the ground and there was the governor.
TR (ARNOLD): Welcome to the state capitol, Mr. Noir. My office is this way----- (FOOTSTEPS WALKING SLOWLY)
GK: I thought the capitol was in Sacramento.
TR (ARNOLD): San Diego, Sacramento ----- who cares? This is a new era. The end of the old politics. You ever been in Sacramento?
GK: Once or twice.
TR (ARNOLD): No good restaurants. No, we're doing it out of this studio here in San Diego. (FN OFF: Give me more magenta! Less orange! Take out the blue!)
GK: You've moved the governor's office here?
TR (ARNOLD): We've recreated the office, all the interiors. (FN OFF: I'd like a little backlighting on that tree, please! People? Work with me now.) We do the capitol building itself with rear-projection, we have computerized crowd effects ---- we can create applause, we have cyber media---- (FN OFF: I expressly told you: I want the bouquet to be puce.) (DRILLING, SAWING) this is the deck outside my office------ this is where I keep my Hummers-----
GK: But what about the legislature-----
TR (ARNOLD): We're recasting the legislature. It just wasn't working.
GK: You're casting it again-----
TR (ARNOLD): We're auditioning Democrats now-----(FOOTSTEPS STOP)
GK: But how can you decide who will be in the legislature----
TR (ARNOLD): The old politics is over, Noir. The new politics is here. Here's a fellow who's going to be playing a Democrat----
GK: This guy? But he's wearing a beret-----
GK: You're casting Frenchmen as Democrats?
GK: But it's not fair---- you can't do it!
TR (ARNOLD): I like you, Noir. That's why I'm going to kill you last.
GK: But this man here--- you're not a Democrat----
TR (JESSE): Heck no! (CRUNCH WOOD) I'm here to knock heads together.
GK: Jesse Ventura.
TR (ARNOLD): My old buddy. ----You two talk. I'll be back. (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: You're working for the governor, Jesse?
TR (JESSE): Rest assured, I've been cast in the role of buddy, yes.
GK: And what will you be doing?
TR (JESSE): I'm here for the big bond rally. Didn't you hear? (STING)
GK: It was a national telethon with hundreds of stars ----- asking people to buy California bonds. (HUBBUB) Everyone was there----- Dr. Phil ----
TR (PHIL): What's your problem, Porky? Give some money to California; it'll help you cut down on the chip dip.
GK: Bob Dylan----
TR (DYLAN, SINGING): Come all you Republicans help lend a hand And don't criticize what you don't understand. We're selling our bonds all over the land At three and a half percent interest.
GK: There were dancing girls and searchlights and bands playing (MOUTH TRUMPETS PLAYING "CALIFORNIA HERE I COME") and five hundred volunteers sitting at banks of telephones.
TR (JESSE): The state of California is coming to you for your help. If you value this state, and you've not yet become a member, now is the time.
SS: We've set a goal to raise 15 billion dollars ----- fifteen billion worth of California bonds! (BUGLE FANFARE) With a matching grant from Enron.
TR (ARNOLD): The simple truth is: the only way we can pay our bills is by borrowing money. We call it the California Miracle.
TR (KIRK DOUGLAS): Come to the aid of the state that gave the world giant Sequoias, the Golden Gate Bridge, Juicy Couture sweatsuits, and movies about homicidal robots.
SS: If every American would just write out a check to the State of California for $100, this crisis would be over.
TR (JESSE): If every human being on the planet would just give TWO AND A HALF BUCKS, we'd be home free. That's less than a penny a day. How can you not afford it?
TR (JACK NICHOLSON): I want to see you walk over to the phone. Dial that 800 number. Have your credit card in hand. Give.
TR (KOPPEL): Do your part to help save the state that gave you the Eagles and Scientology and organic pet food and hair conditioner with avocados in it.
TR (JESSE): Operators are standing by to take your pledge. Call or otherwise we'll have to kill you.
GK: I investigated the charges against the governor by standing in a phone booth waiting for the phone to ring and when it didn't, I filed my report----
TR (ARNOLD): Good work. I appreciate you coming, Mr. Noir.
GK: Need me for anything else?
TR (ARNOLD): Take my suit to the cleaners.
GK: The gray suit?
TR (ARNOLD): Right.
GK: I thought it made your butt look big.
TR (ARNOLD): It wasn't the suit. It was my billfold.
GK: Okay.
TR (ARNOLD): And here's a little gift for you.
GK: A California Credit Card.
TR (ARNOLD): Unlimited credit line, no annual fee, and you're already pre-approved.
GK: You know, I wish I'd become a Republican sooner. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye --- (THEME OUT)