GK: .....this portion of our show brought to you by Earl's Academy of Accents. If you're from the north and you move to Charlottesville, why stick out like a sore thumb ----
SS (NYER): Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you? Where do I find Monticello? I don't know where I got mixed up ---- I was driving and talking on the cellphone ---- and (FADE) I donno, it's just been one thing after another.
GK: You can learn a passable Virginia accent at Earl's Academy of Accents in just six weeks.
SS (VIRGINIA): You look like such a gentleman and I am so very lost, could I trouble you to give me directions to Monticello? I would be so everlastingly grateful.
GK: Earl's Academy of Accents has helped thousands of actors from small towns in the Midwest learn how to do Tennessee Williams ----
TR (SOUTHERN): Stella!!!!
GK: And Shakespeare----
TR (BRIT): This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle, This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this South Dakota....
GK: And it can help you create a new southern persona for yourself so you don't feel odd everytime you go to the grocery store---
SS (NYER): Hey where's your egg salad?
GK: Everybody in the world speaks English so there's no need to learn foreign languages anymore, but a good accent is helpful, especially if you're from the north. A northern accent is not romantic; it makes most people think of cost accounting. You can't get a lucrative job in the hospitality industry if you talk like this----
TR (MIDWEST): So what can I bring you to drink? We got a pretty good Chardonnay --- it's not bad ---- and a Pinot Grigio that hits the spot. Yeah. Or I can see what we have on tap----
GK: And after just a few weeks at Earl's---
TR (FRENCH): Let me tell you about the wine. We have a Chardonnay that is very smoky, very dry and yet emotional, and we have a red Bordeaux with a long fleshy finish but very poised, very efflorescent, very (FRENCH)-----
GK: Nobody wants to pay $25 for an entree the size of a pea-pod served by someone who sounds like she comes from Nebraska----
SS (MIDWEST): So who's got the petite salmon and who's got the rigatoni primavera?
GK: Earl's Academy of Accents. Anyone who expects to get ahead in the arts, education, advertising, management, politics, you'll get there twice as fast if you have the right accent.
TR: Nobody ever paid attention to me when I talked like this. But then I went to Earl's---
GK: And in just three short weeks---
TR (ARNOLD): I became a movie star, and now I'm governor of the great state of Cali-fornia.
GK: So many people have been helped by a new accent.
TR (BUSH): After I graduated from Yale University and I'd spent a little too much time around Kennebunkport, (RICH GUY) I developed an accent around the tennis court and the sailboat that would've made me anathema in Texas (BUSH) until I went back to accent school and learned how to say nucular.
GK: Rid yourself of accents that can do you no good. Find a new you ----- (SS: A new me. A new me. A new me.) Call Earl's Academy of Accents today.
TR (SWEDISH): Yeah, give us a call and we'll see what we can do for you then.