(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(MUSIC)
GK: It was October, and the leaves were turning and a chill was in the air, which makes a eguy walk a little faster, which improves the circulation, which makes you smarter. On the other hand, it was in the fall when we elected Jesse Ventura. I was sitting around the Five Spot with Jimmy the bartender, talking about baseball. (BRIDGE)
TR (JIMMY): I must say I felt a big sense of relief when the Twins lost to the Yankees.
GK: Oh yeah?
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, winning only puts you under more pressure to win the next time.
GK: You really are from here, aren't you.
TR (JIMMY): And now I've got more time to write.
GK: What're you writing?
TR (JIMMY): A series of inspirational books for drunks.
GK: Really.
TR (JIMMY): Called Gin Martini for the Soul. You sell books to drunks and they forget they bought a copy and they buy another one. Before you know it, you've got a best-seller.
GK: Sounds good.
TR (ARNOLD): Hi. Mind if I sit down here?
v
GK: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Where'd you come from?
TR (ARNOLD): California.
GK: I know, but----- aren't you busy getting ready to become governor?
TR (ARNOLD): I decided to take the weekend off. Get away from it all. I thought those Kennedys would never leave. And the phone's been ringing off the hook.
GK: I can imagine.
TR (ARNOLD): When you run against 134 people, and they all call you up to concede, it's a lot of phone calls. (CELLPHONE RING)
Mein gott (GERMAN DESPAIR)----- (CRUNCH OF PLASTIC CELLPHONE) (BRIDGE)
GK: You had to feel sorry for the guy. He'd gotten elected by talking about how great everything was going to be and now people expected him to do it. Sort of like when you're in the middle of a magic trick and you can feel the doves crawling down your pantsleg. At least you hope that's what it is.
TR (ARNOLD): (BRIDGE)
GK: I went back to the office and I was just about to lie down on the sofa, when (KNOCKS ON DOOR) ---- Yeah. The door's unlocked. Come on in. (DOOR OPEN) Hi there. (FOOTSTEPS) (BRIDGE) She was short and heavyset, in a blue-green plaid jumper and a navy blue cardigan. There was something about the glasses on the chain and pencil tucked over her ear that made my heart go pitter-pat.
SS: The name's Lola Manicotti, Mr. Noir. I'm from California.
GK: You're a librarian, aren't you.
SS: How did you know?
GK: The slight indentation on the side of your right index finger and the ink smear from the due date stamp. That and your name tag. San Francisco Public Library. What brings you to Minnesota?
SS: I came because I don't want a robot for a governor. And also because I'm lonely. I want to find a man, Mr. Noir.
GK: I see.
SS: San Francisco men tend to be all fussed up about their hair and deeply into antiques. I want a man who doesn't moisturize and knows how to use a soldering iron.
GK: I think we can find you someone like that. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Excuse me. ---- Yeah, come in, the door's open. (DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS) Yeah, Svend-----
TR: SWEDISH
GK: Jo, det rigtigt, Svend. Det kan jeg godt forstaar.
TR: SWEDISH
GK: Ikke god idee, Svend. Slaa ham I munden. I munden.
TR: SWEDISH
GK: Ja, ja.
SS: What did he say?
GK: He said that his girlfriend Solveig who is a figure skater on tour in a show called "Girls On Ice" has left him for the saxophonist.
SS: What's the show?
GK: "Girls On Ice"? Beautiful women on skates and they twirl and their clothes fall off.
SS: Women from Minnesota?
GK: Of course.
SS: Ask him if he's ready to start dating again or does he need more time?
GK: You don't want to date a Swede, Miss Manicotti. You ever know one? They're educators. They know exactly how everything ought to be done. Like breathing, for example. They'll take time to teach you. Chewing. Walking. Sleeping. They'll wake you up if you're not doing it right.
SS: Who do you recommend?
GK: Norwegians would be your best bet.
TR: FORLORN SWEDISH. BYE BYE.
GK: Farvel, Svend. (DOOR CLOSE)
SS: Why Norwegians?
GK: They're low-maintenance. And they're so grateful for any affection you give them. The average Norwegian is so repressed, he blushes if someone says "intersection". He'd marry a pregnant woman just to save himself the extra work.
SS: Where do you find them?
GK: Hockey games. Very high proportion of Scandinavians there and you get to see them excited and expressing feelings. You pick one who looks good to you and you sit down by him and at the end of the game he says, "So, you want to go catch a beer then?" And you say, Sure. And you go have a beer. And then he says, "What do you like to do?" And you say, "One thing I've always wanted to do is go ice fishing."
SS: What's ice fishing?
GK: That's where Norwegians discover romance. Outdoors on the ice. You'll know this guy likes you if he hardly ever looks at you. Eye contact is considered hostile behavior. So he'll look out across the ice and he'll say, Boy, a guy could sure get used to this, all right.And that right there, that's his declaration of love, and if you want him, just put your head on his shoulder. And tell him he's wonderful. Probably nobody ever told him that before.
SS: Really?
GK: Minnesota women never tell a man he's wonderful for fear it will lead him on. (BRIDGE) I waited for her to tell me I was wonderful but she didn't. She asked me to show her around town. So I did. And we wound up at the Five Spot.
SS: Minneapolis is nice, but St. Paul ----- there's a certain----
GK: Je ne Saint Paul.
SS: Exactly.
GK: Well, it is the capital after all.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get for you two?
SS: A white wine for me.
TR (JIMMY): Got a nice Minnesota Sauvignon Honk. A dry wine with a complex bouquet of marigolds and a long finish of shellac.
GK: Glass of tap water for me. (POURING)
SS: You must know a great deal about wine.
TR (JIMMY): Well, I know what I like.
SS: You do, huh? What else do you like?
TR (JIMMY): All sorts of things. Long walks, conversation, sharing, soft furry animals, all kinds of music, emotional intimacy, it sorta runs the gamut.
SS: You mind if I ask you a question, bartender?
TR (JIMMY): Not at all. Call me Jimmy.
SS: Are you a hockey fan, Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): I like hockey but I like ice fishing even more.
SS: Isn't that a coincidence. I've always wanted to ice fish.
TR (JIMMY): A person could get used to it, that's for sure.
SS: You're wonderful, you know that?
TR (JIMMY): Nobody ever told me that before.
GK: Maybe I'll have that glass of water to go, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): No problem.
GK: Anything you need, Miss Manicotti, just give me a call.
SS: I will. Thanks.
GK: Anytime, day or night. Always available.
SS: Okay.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)