TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions-Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was one of those bright autumn days in St. Paul that make you wish that winter would hurry up and get here. I walked down to Danny's Deli and the parade of bad fashion took away my appetite. Shirts with dumb slogans on them and plaid shorts and guys wearing baseball caps turned the wrong way. I don't know why that burns my toast, but it does. (BRIDGE)
TK (TEEN): What can I get for you, Mr. Noir?
GK: Corned beef on rye. Mayo and mustard. Hold the lettuce. And would you mind turning your cap around, Wendell?
TK (TEEN): Turn what around?
GK: The bill of your cap, Wendell. It's supposed to face front. To shield your eyes from the sun.
TK (TEEN): Maybe I like it this way.
GK: Wendell, that's how a child would wear a cap. Men don't wear a cap backwards.
TK (TEEN): Okay. Thanks for the fashion tip, Mr. Noir. (BRIDGE)
GK: I don't know. It just seems like there aren't standards anymore. I go in the Five Spot and Jimmy says they're going to start renovating next week.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, they're changing the name from the Five Spot to The Spot. Gonna make it a martini bar. Young women with bellybuttons walking around shaking up martinis and serving Buffalo wings and sushi.
GK: What do young women with low-cut jeans know about mixing martinis?
TR (JIMMY): Martinis are pre-mixed. They come in 50-gallon drums. Everything's pre-made. The sushi comes from Bolivia. Frozen. The Buffalo wings are from China.
GK: The global economy.
TR (JIMMY): That's right. (BRIDGE)
GK: And right then, this woman walks in. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS) She walks in like there's a spotlight on her and the band was playing. And then I recognized her from a celebrity magazine. ---- Hey, aren't you MC Sippi, the rap star?
TR (JIMMY): Hey. It is. Wow. Awesome.
JS: That's me, honey. Nice to meet you.
GK: MC Sippi. Why you're the biggest recording artist in Minnesota. Aside from-
JS: Aside from who, baby----
GK: Well, you know--
JS: The skinny little guy in his underwear? Prince? You talking about Prince?
GK: Well, you know, I'm not up on the latest. He was just the first one to come to mind.
JS: That little shrimp, I could pick him up and put him in my purse and still have room for a cell phone and a pack of Kleenex.
TR (JIMMY): Is it true that you've sung with Prince and Bob Dylan?
JS: At the same time.
GK: Same time!!!
JS: Back when I recorded "Lean On Me" - that's who I was leaning on. Bob and Prince.
GK: Wow.
JS: Anyway, I need your help, Mr. Noir. I forgot where I parked my car.
GK: No problem. What kind of car is it?
JS: It's a (SINGS) little Red Corvette.
GK: Okay.
JS:. I can't remember where I parked it.
GK: Not a problem. What was it you came downtown for? Aren't you from Minneapolis? What're you doing in St. Paul?
JS: Came here because I wanted to get something that I didn't want anybody to see me looking for.
GK: Something illegal?
JS: Worse than that. Something uncool.
GK: What was it?
JS: A plaid skirt and knee socks. (STING) I'm sorry. I love plaid.
GK: That's okay. It's a free country.
JS: I don't want to be reading about this in some gossip column, honey.
GK: They won't get it from me.
JS: Good. This is the sort of thing that could seriously damage a girl's career.
GK: I understand that.
JS: I am in a line of work in which getting arrested would be a good career move.
GK: I know that.
JS: Being seen in a plaid skirt would not be. (BRIDGE)
GK: So we headed off in search of a clothing shop but (CITY TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, HORN HONKS, OOHING AND AHHING -- "Hey, it's Miss Sippi-" "Hey, M.C." "Wow." "Cool" "How you doin', mama?") the woman was a big celebrity, the kind who stops traffic. She was like a powerful magnet.----- You know if you weren't wearing red leather pants and that orange jacket and the big hat with the fruit----- (FOOTSTEPS)
JS: This is my Josephine Baker hat.
GK: I didn't think it was Mary Baker Eddy. Let's duck down this way. (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC) That's the famous Coney Island restaurant, world's best hot dog. And this is the Children's Museum. This is where they have displays of children of times past ---- Kids of the Fifties, for example.
SS (CHILD, RECORDING): Please, may I be excused so I can go do my homework. Thank you.
GK: And Kids of the Thirties----
TR (CHILD, RECORDING): How about a shoeshine, mister? Oh wow. A dime. Gee willikers! Thanks! (BRIDGE) (OUTDOOR CITY TRAFFIC AMBIENCE)
GK: Down this way is Dayton's Department Store. They call it Marshall Field to confuse the out-of-towners, but actually it's Dayton's. Nice store. You need perfume or anything?
JS: I don't think so.
GK: Over there is the Landmark Center. They call it that because it's where Minneapolis people go when they get lost. There's the downtown library. Courthouse. River is that way.
JS: Where are you leading me? I don't know where I am.
GK: That's because you're in St. Paul. In Minneapolis, you've got numbered streets running one way and alphabetical avenues running the other. It's like a big Battleship grid. St. Paul is more like Spin The Bottle. (TRAFFIC) (FOOTSTEPS) (BRIDGE) We walked down Wabasha and up St. Peter and down Cedar and up Robert and finally we went into a coffee shop-----
SS (HUSKY): Yeah, what can I getcha?
GK: Two coffees.
JS: You have cappuccino?
SS (HUSKY): Gino who?
JS: Cappucino. You know----
SS (HUSKY): We got macaroni.
GK: Just two coffees. You got any pastry?
SS (HUSKY): Cheese Danish.
GK: We'll have two of those.
SS (HUSKY): Only got one cheese Danish.
GK: Okay, bring us one.
SS (HUSKY): We got two bismarcks, though.
GK: Fine. We'll have that.
SS (HUSKY): One is raspberry and one is lemon.
GK: Fresh?
GK: Oh. What else you got?
SS (HUSKY): Chocolate cake.
GK: Give us two pieces.
SS (HUSKY): You want whipped cream on that?
GK: No.
SS (HUSKY): Oh. Cause it's got the whipped cream already on it.
GK: Oh. Could you scrape it off?
SS (HUSKY): Okay. But it'll cost ya extra.
GK: To have it without whipped cream costs more?
SS (HUSKY): Yeah.
GK: That doesn't make sense. To have to pay more to get less.
SS (HUSKY): I don't make the rules, mister. I just work here.
GK: Okay. Scrape off the whipped cream then.
SS (HUSKY): We got brownies without whipped cream.
GK: Well, give us two of them then.
SS (HUSKY): You want two brownies plain?
GK: Right.
SS (HUSKY): Okay, coming right up. ---- They've got walnuts in em. The brownies.
GK: I don't care. Just so long as they're fresh.
SS (HUSKY): They're not.
GK: Okay, never mind. Just the coffees then.
SS (HUSKY): You don't care for the brownies?
GK: No.
SS (HUSKY): We got marble cake that's almost like chocolate cake.
GK: I don't want to hear about it, okay? So----- Miss Sippi ----- did you park your red Corvette on the street or in a lot or in a ramp?
JS: Ramp, I think.
GK: Or an underground garage?
JS: No, it was a parking lot.
GK: You remember what it was close to?
JS: I just remember seeing a lot of people in black walking by. Is there a Giorgio Armani shop here?
GK: In St. Paul, people in black doesn't mean Armani, it means Our Lady. You must've been at a Catholic church.
JS: You tell anybody that and I'm going to have to hurt you. -
GK: So you were then-----
JS: I was, but I don't want this to get out----
GK: Don't worry. What church were you in?
JS: The big one up on the hill.
GK: The Cathedral. Okay. Let's go.--(BRIDGE) (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, IN MAJESTIC REVERB)
JS: Wow. I haven't seen this much marble since I was in a Nieman Marcus store-----
GK: French architect named Emmanuel Masqueray did it. Archbishop Ireland brought him here a hundred years ago. Did a lot of churches around here. Basilica of St. Mary. St. Thomas. The little French church on Cedar.
JS: It sure looks French.
GK: Well, it was the Irish who built it and they just wanted to make sure it didn't look English. And there's nothing more unEnglish than French. Speaking of Irish, here's Father Finian-
TK (IRISH): Saints be praised-can it be true then?
JS: How are you, Father?
TK (IRISH): Lord of heaven if it isn't MC Sippy. You're my favorite singer in the whole world you are-are you here looking for religious instruction, by any chance?
JS: No. Not today. Just trying to find my car.
TK (IRISH): Would you have a moment to spare me an autograph? It'd mean so much-I loved your work on Wanamingo Bling Bling, by the way- stunning -
GK: You're a fan of rap music, Fr. Finian?
TK: Aye, indeed. And here's another big fan of yours, Fr. O'Blennis --
TR (IRISH): Why, it's like a vision of an angel ----- I can't believe me own eyes ------ we listen to you every evening in the rectory --
JS: A pleasure to meet you, Father.
TR (IRISH): Your album, "Minnesizzle-Schmizzle," was a high point for me, Miss Sippi. And of course I adore all those songs you did with Prince.
JS: (SINGS) It was a raspberry beret
The kind you find in a second-hand store.
It was a raspberry beret
GK: I can't believe that rap music is big among the clergy-
TK (IRISH): It's the feel of the thing. The movement. The poetry.
TR (IRISH): Aye, the poetry. We're Irish, don't you know.
GK: I was thinking that myself. ----- If you two don't mind, we're looking for a quiet place to sit and think.
TR (IRISH): Try this confessional here.
GK: Really?
TK (IRISH): We don't use them anymore. We've gone over to group confession.
TR (IRISH): People don't like saying out loud the dirty rotten things they did. Except in rap music, of course.
TK (IRISH): I wish you'd come to Friday night mass sometime and sing "Diamonds and Pearls"-
JS: You mean--(SINGS)
If I gave u diamonds and pearls
Would u be a happy boy or a girl
If I could I would give u the world
But all I can do is just offer u my love
TR (IRISH): That would be beautiful for the offertory.
TK (IRISH): And for the recessional, you could sing---
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
JS: How about this for an anthem----- (SINGS) How can u just leave me standing?
Alone in a world that's so cold?
Maybe I'm just 2 demanding
(TR JOINS) Maybe I'm just like my father 2 bold
Maybe you're just like my mother
She's never satisfied (She's never satisfied)
Why do we scream at each other
This is what it sounds like
When doves cry
GK: Excuse us, gentlemen -- sorry to break up the party, but-- this way, Miss Sippi. (FOOTSTEPS. CREAK OF DOOR OPENING)
JS: Dark in here.
GK: Yes. - That's to encourage reminiscence.
JS: You know, I could hypnotize myself and take myself back to an hour ago and remember where my car is -----
GK: Why don't you do that-----
GK: She sat in the confessional and started humming.- (JS HUMMING) Fr. Finian and Fr. O'Blennis were sitting in a pew, starstruck, like a couple of teenagers. Her voice got more and more distant. I could hear her going into a trance. Then she was very quiet. -Are you thinking back?
JS: Mommy, I don't want to go to church. It's too scary.
GK: Uh, that's too far back, Miss Sippi.
JS: I want to record a country music album.
GK: Now you've come too far forward, Miss Sippi.
JS: I want to play Mary Poppins.
GK: Think about the car, Miss Sippi. The red Corvette.
JS: (SINGS) Super cali fragilistic expialidocious
GK: Oh, no.
JS: (SINGS) Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious.
GK: Miss Sippi, focus on the car.
JS: (SINGS) If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious.
GK: Miss Sippi---
JS: (BELTS) Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. (BRIDGE)
GK: Now I had a real problem. My client hadn't just lost her car, she'd lost her marbles. Her cheese had slid right off her cracker. And then I saw the chauffeur standing by the side door. And I realized-she'd hired a limo so she could come over to St. Paul and not get lost. Her red Corvette was at home in her garage. I helped her out to the street and put her in the limo before she could start singing."
TR (DYLAN): Hey, where'd that riprap lady go, she was my angel in the snow, give her a little bling bling from me, she is the girl of the north countree ----- (SINGS) Purple rain, purple rain's a gonna fall someday------
GK: I stood there on the Cathedral steps looking out over the city. The lights coming on at sunset. The Mississippi making the big turn under the bluff. Got no idea what I'm doing here, but until I figure that out, it's not the worst place to be. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.