(CROWD NOISE)
GK: You can hear the excitement in the background for this next segment of our show, and here with me is Linda Wertheimer.
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer with what I believe is the first ever pay-per-view wrestling show on National Public Radio ---- a tag-team cage match between Jesse (The Body) Ventura and Arnold "The Terminator" Schwarzenegger ----- versus French president Jacques "The Rock" Chirac and French foreign minister Dominique "The Dominator" de Villepin.
GK: Mr. Ventura------
TR (JESSE): What's up, dawg.
GK: If I may ask you a question----
TR (JESSE): I don't talk to the media. Okay? What about the word "don't" do you not understand? Huh? (CRUNCH OF WOOD)
TR (ARNOLD): That goes double for me. Don't confuse us with a lot of talk, let's get into the ring and terminate these sissy frogmen once and for all.
TR (JESSE): And why do you refer to him as the foreign minister? Of course he's foreign. He's French! By the way, I may have a frogman past, but that doesn't mean I like the French.
SS: President Chirac? Any comment?
TS: (FRENCH)
SS: Mr. Foreign Minister?
TS: (ANOTHER FRENCH)
SS: Mr. Schwarzenegger, there seems to be a lot of feeling behind this match.
TR (ARNOLD): Linda, all of the disrespect and contempt that I once felt towards women, I now feel about the French. These are girly men.
TR (JESSE): These cheese-eaters who are always second-guessing our President ---- we are going to crush these gumballs before they can wave the white flag of surrender. These are people who suffer emotional breakdowns when they're served the wrong wine. Let's see how they handle total physical destruction.
GK: Gentlemen, any response to that?
TS: (FRENCH).
SS: Very well. Gentlemen, this is a no-holds-barred, tag-team cage match, two out of three falls to win. The match will be officiated by nine referees. The competitors are in position-- Wait, it seems that the French do not want to get into the ring. De Villepin is saying that aggression is a sanction of failure.
(BELL)
GK: And Schwarzenegger rushes in and gets the president in an armpit hold. (WRESTLING NOISES) and a Chin Twist (TWIST), and now comes a Spleen Splash and-ooh, that's gotta hurt!(SLAM, BOUNCE)
SS: And now comes the Big Slammer (SLAM) and now Schwarzenegger holds Chirac as Jesse climbs to the top rope for the Clothesliner (BWANGGGG, YELL) and he gives Chirac an Ankle Twist (FRENCH CRY OF PAIN) and the Banzai Drop (OOFFFF) and the Reverse Death Valley Driver (JESSE CRY, BOINK, FRENCH OOFFF) And now de Villepin joins the melee. And Schwarzenegger tags in! (CONFUSED SHOUTING) All four of them are going at each other. Emotions are running high. And now the French are ignoring the Americans and showing extreme condescension.
GK: That's gotta hurt.
SS: That is extremely painful. Extremely. The French are now talking to themselves (FRENCH MURMURS) as if the Americans were not even there in the ring!
GK: As if the Americans were irrelevant.
SS: But wait! (GRUNTING) Now de Villepin has Ventura by the love handles, and he's not letting go. He's getting Ventura in a Salad Toss. And Ventura's eyes are bulging out of his head. (JESSE YELLING, CHEEKS FLAPPING) And now---- Chirac has handed de Villepin a jar of ---- what is that?
GK: It's snails, Linda.
SS: It's escargot ---- it's black greasy snail juice ---- and de Villepin is smearing it on Ventura's face ----- and Ventura has passed out ----- and (THREE WHACKS OF MAT) ----- The first fall goes to the French! (CROWD BOOING)
GK: The entire crowd here is on its feet. This is amazing. The battle of the titans has turned into a food fight. Here's Jesse now.
TR (JESSE): This is just the lowest of the low. These French. I've had it. I just want to say that if it weren't for us, these people would be speaking German today.
TR (ARNOLD): You say that like it's a bad thing.
SS: Mr. Chirac?
TR (CHIRAC): I remind them of the American Revolution. If it were not for the French, the Americans would be speaking English today.
TR (ARNOLD): Good point.
TK (DE VILLEPIN): The U.S. has asked for our support so often, we must be the first orthopedic nation.
(BELL)
SS: And the second round has begun.
TR (JESSE): Okay you lunkheads, it's payback time.
TR (ARNOLD): Time to go head to head with the Great One.
TR (JESSE): Time to teach you to Know Your Role.
TR (ARNOLD): It is Smackdown time.
TR (JESSE): Listen up, you jabroni----
GK: Arnold and Jesse are out in the ring, but the Frenchmen aren't out of their corner yet.
SS: It looks like they're dipping their hands in buckets of something.
(VISCOUS FOOD NOISE)
GK: Could it be-
SS: It is.
GK: Caviar. Raw fish eggs
SS: Now they're chasing Arnold and Jesse around the ring with their slimy hands held out.
TR (JESSE): That's disgusting!
TR (ARNOLD): (GERMAN)
GK: This food fight has turned into a food war. Escargot. Caviar. And what is next? (CROWD)
SS: The French are smearing Brie into Arnold's hair! This is not going to be pretty.
(SLIME)
GK: But wait----
SS: Arnold has a taser gun. (TASER) And is that a--
(FLAMETHROWER)
GK: Yes, that is a flamethrower, Linda. And if I'm not mistaken, this is an Apache helicopter. (HELICOPTER)
SS: Is this legal?
GK: I don't know, but it looks to me as if the French are bringing in a thermonuclear device. (ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
SS: Of course. I forgot that France is a nuclear power.
GK: You're certainly not the first. But wait! It appears that the French are trying to broker a deal here. They're trying to SELL their weapons to Jesse and Arnold.
SS: Someone should stop this.
GK: Looks like you're going to get your wish there, Linda.
SS: You're right. One of the nine referees is stepping out into the ring and stopping the match.
GK: That's Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. And he is awarding the match to Schwarzenegger and Ventura! (CROWD CHEERING) I believe on grounds of equal protection.
SS: We have a winner. National Public Radio's first pay-per-view wrestling event ends in victory for the United States. Let's talk to the winners. Governor Ventura, what do you say to people who might claim this is an unfair victory?
TR (JESSE): Get over it.
GK: There you have it.
TR (SCHWARZENEGGER): We have won the battle in the time-honored American way, through judicial intervention.
GK: Comment from the French?
TS: FRENCH DISGUST
SS: Not surprised you feel that way. That's all the time we have ----- now back to our program in progress.