(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK:--..brought to you by American Trust & Mattress ---- it's the only mattress that combines comfort for you and security for your money. Did you know that money kept in a mattress outperformed the Standard & Poor Index two out of the past three years? And your cash is safe in a mattress from American Trust & Mattress. Because each mattress is protected by law ---- clearly set forth on the mattress tag ---- making it a crime punishable by fine and imprisonment to remove the tag or to remove any contents of the mattress. You'll sleep better at night knowing your money is safe ---- in your mattress.
And brought to you by Teen Care. Parents ---- if you need to get away for a few days and don't know what to do with teenage children, Teen Care is a secure institution offering assisted living for people ages 9 to 32.
TR (TEEN): This is so cruel.
SS (TEEN): I can't believe you're doing this.
TR (GUARD): In there. Come on. Step on it. Watch your head. (GUARD CADENCE) (BIG STEEL DOOR SLAMS)
GK: Warm nutritious meals, recreational periods in the yard, crafts, supervised study time, and lock-up at 9 p.m. Yours at Teen Care.
FN: ---- brought to you by Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Car Alarms, the car alarm that notifies people for miles around that you own a car and that you've parked it on the street. Ask for it by name: Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop. And ask about our Vanity Car Alarms----the car alarm that says your name so people know who to call. (FN: FRED NEWMAN)
--..by the Minute Man Bug Zapper --- it takes out the toughest customers entomology has to offer. (SFX)
TR: The Minute Man is powered by enriched uranium that gives off a brilliant lavender glow that draws bugs in, then zaps them with a thermonuclear reaction that kills them dead but leaves nearby structures intact. (SFX) Not available in North Korea or Iraq.
GK:--..brought to you by the Society of Health Insurance Providers, which reminds you to stay away from hospitals.
SS: Hospitals are full of sick people and deadly germs. Try applying ice instead. Try mineral oil. Start with a couple spoonfuls and then see what a quarter cup will do. Relax, and put your feet up. Count down from a thousand slowly, and see if you don't feel better--You look better. You look just fine. I don't think there's a thing wrong with you.
GK: A message from the Society of Health Insurance Providers--..proud members of the Associated Federation of Organizations.
© Garrison Keillor 2003