(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but high above the empty streets one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC DOWN)
GK: It was one of those perfect June days that makes a guy lose what little ambition he has and you sit at your desk and turn on your radio and listen to your favorite soap opera, Grosse Pointe-----
TR (RICH GUY): You're lying through your teeth, Janet. You didn't
have a nervous breakdown, you're only trying to get attention so you can
compete with your twin sister who got her Ph.D in chemistry and is on
the trail of a cure for cancer, but it won't work ---- do you hear me?
It won't work. (SS SOBBING) ---- we're going to Provence and we're leaving
you here---- (SS SOBBING)
GK: And you doze off and you're sitting in a Jaguar parked in front
of a mansion and a beautiful woman is trying to persuade you to come inside
------
SS: Please. Nobody's at home. The servants have the night off. I'll make you a martini and we'll sit by the pool and ---- just see what happens----
GK: And you wake up from the dream and there's drool on your shirt (RING) and the phone is ringing---- (PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Emily calling from Kalamazoo----
GK: You're not raising money, are you, Emily----
SS (ON PHONE): I'm calling to tell you about a rare investment opportunity, Mr. Noir.
GK: Not a mutual fund, I hope, Emily----
SS (ON PHONE): Are you familiar with Gibson guitars, Mr. Noir?----
GK: I believe so, yes.
SS (ON PHONE): Gibson guitars was based here in Kalamazoo, Mr.
Noir, and they made a famous electric guitar called the Flying V which
is prized by collectors. And now we've discovered an extremely rare Gibson,
the flying
W------ (KNOCKS)
GK: Excuse me, Emily. Hold on. Be right back. Somebody's at the door. ---- Yeah. Come in, it's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN)
FN (CHILD): Is this the child psychologist's?
GK: No, that's on the 13th floor. This is the 12th floor.
FN (CHILD): Twelve?
GK: Upstairs. One floor. Don't I know you?
FN (CHILD): I'm on a TV show.
GK: Right----
FN (CHILD): "Lalapalooza Kalamazoo".
GK: Right---- You're the one with the big red glasses and the fright wig who says, Yowsa yowsa yowsa.
FN (CHILD): That's me.
GK: You don't seem that happy about it.
FN (CHILD): It's really tough to be ten years old and rich and famous. I'm just really confused.
GK: Well, tell it to the psychologist. He's on the 13th floor. One floor up. ----- (DOOR CLOSE) Hello, Emily--- sorry to keep you----
TR TV HOST (ON PHONE): Mr. Guy Noir????!!!!
GK: Emily?
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Guy Noir, this is the TV show Million Dollar Buddy and you're on the air with contestant Kirk Kirkpatrick of Mason City, Iowa!!!---- Kirk, meet Guy Noir----
FN (ON PHONE): Hi, Guy.
GK: Hello?
TR (ON PHONE): Kirk Kirkpatrick is going for our top prize of a million dollars, Mr. Noir, and he's chosen you as his Million Dollar Buddy!!! What do you think about that, Mr. Noir?
GK: Is this a joke?
TR (ON PHONE): All he needs to do to win a check for one million dollars is to answer one question, and that's where you come in. Are you ready to help him, Mr. Noir?
GK: Is this you, Rico?
TR (ON PHONE): One correct answer, one million dollars. Are you ready to be a buddy, Mr. Noir?
GK: Charley?
TR (ON PHONE): Are you ready, Kirk?
FN: Ready.
TR (ON PHONE): For one million dollars: Which tranquilizer is manufactured in Kalamazoo, Michigan ---- Valium, Xanax, Librium, or Miltown?
GK: Could I hear those once again?
TR (ON PHONE): Which tranquilizer is manufactured in Kalamazoo, Michigan ---- Valium, Xanax, Librium, or Miltown?
GK: Uh------.Xanax. (SOUNDS OF CHEERING , APPLAUSE, AND TRIUMPHANT MUSIC OVER THE PHONE)
TR (ON PHONE): Hey, that's right!
GK: Of course.
TR (ON PHONE): Kirk Kirkpatrick has just won a million dollars!
Thanks to you, Mr. Guy Noir! And as our way of saying thanks, we want
to send you this $25 gift certificate for a pizza from your nearest Parcheesi
Pizza ---- Parcheesi
---- it's America's favorite!
GK: Hey! I get a pizza? What kind of deal is that? (DIAL TONE) (CLICKS) Hello? Hello----- (CLICKS) (BRIDGE) I answer a question and win the guy a million dollars and all I get is a pizza? ---- What a gyp. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yes? Hello?
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Sharon. How are you doing today?
GK: I'm doing terrible, Sharon. I'm scraping bottom.
SS (ON PHONE): I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm just about to tell you something that's going to make you feel a great deal better.
GK: This is going to be about long-distance telephone rates from MCI, right, Sharon?
SS (ON PHONE): Yes, it is.
GK: I thought so. Listen, Sharon ---- I've heard from you people often in the past and it's always fun --- I don't need a long-distance service, Sharon, because there isn't anybody I want to talk to ----
SS (ON PHONE): Let me just tell you how much you save----
GK: No, Sharon ---- listen to me ---- you don't save money by calling long-distance----
SS (ON PHONE): For example. A long-distance call from St. Paul to Kalamazoo----
GK: Sharon, I don't know anybody in Kalamazoo--.
SS (ON PHONE): I'm only using it as an example---- what would you expect to pay to call Kalamazoo during daytime hours----- do you mind if I call you Guy?
GK: Yes, I do. (KNOCKS) Excuse me, Sharon. There's somebody at the door. Hold on.
SS (ON PHONE): You take your time. I'll be here.
GK:---- yeah, come in, the door's open----- (DOOR OPEN. FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hi.
GK: What can I do for you?
TR: I'm not sure.
GK: Well, try to think of something. I'm on the phone.
TR: Well, it's like this. I---- I just turned forty and ---- and when I go out for a long walk on these summer nights I can't help but remember when I was young and life seemed so beautiful it seemed to beckon to me and now it's just one problem after another -----
GK: So?
TR: Whatever happened to those youthful dreams and aspirations to teach the world to sing ----
GK: Oh, get out of here. Git.
TR: What?
GK: Get out. Go away. There's a child psychologist upstairs. Talk to him. Go. Beat it. (FOOTSTEPS AND A SCUFFLE ENSUE) Get out.
TR: Okay, I'm going, I'm going---- Geez----
GK: Get out. (DOOR SLAM) People are so caught up in themselves today (FOOTSTEPS) Hello, Sharon---- sorry----
FN (ON PHONE): The name is Howard. Not Sharon.
GK: Oh. I thought you were Sharon.
FN (ON PHONE): Nope, I don't even know a Sharon.
GK: Well, there was a Sharon on the phone before. Where did you come from?
FN (ON PHONE): Is that a theological question?
GK: Never mind. What can I do for you?
FN (ON PHONE): It's like this, Mr. Noir. I've gotten myself involved in a little romance --- actually a big romance ---- I just feel as if finally I've met the woman who I'm supposed to be with, you know what I mean? The woman who I can talk to--.who can be my best friend--.my soul mate...
GK: Does she live in Kalamazoo by any chance?
FN (ON PHONE): Yes. How did you know that?
GK: A lucky guess.
FN (ON PHONE): She lives in Kalamazoo with my best friend. She's his wife.
GK: Howard----
FN (ON PHONE): I'm really torn up over this. I love Greg. He's like a brother.
GK: Howard, let me tell you something----
FN (ON PHONE): It's just that I love her so much.
GK: Howard, let me tell you this. When Greg comes over and shoots
you in a fit of passion, the undertaker is going to dress you up and put
you into a box and after a few speeches they're going to stick you in
the cold cold ground, meanwhile the jury is going to convict Greg of reckless
use of a firearm ---
and he'll be sentenced to 1000 hours of community service and while you're
lying stiff and cold six feet down, Greg is going to be helping disadvantaged
children learn to read. Does this sound like a good deal? I don't think
so.
FN (ON PHONE): But you don't understand----
GK: Howard, are you on some medication you shouldn't be on?
FN (ON PHONE): Just listen to me.
GK: Howard, I don't think listening to you is going to make me smarter. (KNOCKS) Excuse me, Howard. Somebody's at the door. (SETS DOWN PHONE) Yeah. Come in, the door's open. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Uh. Yeah. Listen, I need to change my oil and I don't know where the oil goes.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: I did a Web search on "oil" and "changing" and it just gave me all these articles on the Middle East.
GK: Right.
SS: I've gotta change my oil so I can go downtown and meet somebody.
GK: Well, today's your lucky day. As it happens, you are downtown right now.
SS: Oh. I'm looking for the Acme Building.
GK: This is it.
SS: Do you know somebody named Guy Noir?
GK: That's me. What can I do for you?
SS: You're a private eye, right?
GK: Right.
SS: You find lost things?
GK: Sometimes.
SS: I lost my car keys.
GK: Did you look around the house?
SS: I couldn't. I don't live around here.
GK: Where do you live?
SS: Kalamazoo.
GK: And you drove here from Kalamazoo?
SS: Right.
GK: And you're staying in a hotel?
SS: I'm on my way to a hotel but I can't get there because I lost my car keys.
GK: What's the name of the hotel?
SS: Let me see. I wrote it down on a piece of paper. Oh. Here's my keys. They were here in my pocket.
GK: Ma'am---- I have a guy on the phone here, I think you should meet. His name's Howard. Talk to him.
SS: Howard? My husband's best friend's name is Howard----
GK: Of course. Why not?
SS: If it's that Howard, he's been acting very strange lately. Hanging around. Bringing me flowers. Writing me poems. Giving me books.
GK: And this is going on in Kalamazoo?
SS: Sure.
GK: Have you ever heard of a Gibson Flying W?
SS: The guitar? Sure. My brother Kirk just bought one for a million dollars.
GK: Your brother Kirk? Of Mason City, Iowa?
SS: How did you know? Bought it for a million and now somebody's offering him three million for it.
GK: Three million for a guitar?
SS: They only made two of them.
GK: Who has the other one?
SS: Some child TV star.
GK: Oh boy.
SS: By the end of the week, the Flying W could be up to five million.
You know how these things go----- (BRIDGE)
(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE.)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy, how's it going?
GK: Not so good, Jimmy. (FOOTSTEPS STOP. HE SITS ON BARSTOOL)
TR (JIMMY): Well, how about a nice big glass of liquid depressant?
GK: Naw, just a cup of coffee.
TR (JIMMY): It's terrible coffee. Left over from last night.
GK: Well, it'll taste good to me, after the day I've been through.
TR (JIMMY): I heard you on TV ---- "Million Dollar Buddy" ---
GK: Right.
TR (JIMMY): Couldn't believe it. I thought, "Hey, that's Guy," and then when you got the answer right, man, that was unbelievable.
GK: Right.
TR (JIMMY): A million bucks that guy won. Wow. He must've been happy.
GK: I suppose.
TR (JIMMY): You ever watch a show called "Kalamazoo"?
GK: It's called "Lalapalooza Kalamazoo".
TR (JIMMY): You ever watch it?
GK: No, I don't.
TR (JIMMY): Is that a real place, Kalamazoo?
GK: That's what they say.
TR (JIMMY): It doesn't sound real, does it.
GK: I don't know what you mean.
TR (JIMMY): Sounds like something out of a storybook. A town in the Wizard of Oz.
GK: It's in western Michigan. Okay?
TR (JIMMY): What are you so grumpy about?
GK: Just get me the coffee.
TR (JIMMY): You care for a Xanax with that?
GK: No, I don't.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.
© Garrison Keillor 2003