(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to
find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private
Eye.
GK: It was June, and in Minnesota the temperature was getting up
into the high 70s where Swedes and Norwegians start to overheat and turn
pale and have flashbacks, and it's then that we start to lose a lot of
people to the high desert country of Oregon, around Bend. Bend gets warm
days but then at night it can drop down below freezing ---- like a roller
coaster, from 90 to 15 --- and 15 degrees is when Norwegians start to
feel like themselves. I flew out to Bend in search of a missing man, Hjalmar
Hjalmarson, who had sold his dairy farm and disappeared.
SS: Daddy always talked about Bend, Mr. Noir. He wanted to take up golf.
GK: And what do you want me to do if I find him?
SS: Try to talk some sense into him. We need him here. His cows miss him. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I went out to Bend and it wasn't hard to locate him. He wore barn boots on the golf course and he had a hook that came around full circle like a boomerang. (SWING, HIT BALL)
TR: WORRIED SWEDISH
GK: How you doing, Mr. Hjalmarson? My name's Noir. Your daughter sent me.
TR: SWEDISH
GK: You eating regular? Feeling okay?
TR: SWEDISH
GK: You like living in Bend?
TR: SWEDISH
GK: Making friends and everything?
TR: SWEDISH AFFIRMATIVE
GK: Getting enough exercise?
TR: SWEDISH (SWING,HIT BALL) (BRIDGE)
GK: My return flight didn't leave for a few more hours, so I walked around and looked at the town. Prosperous town. Founded by lumbering people from Minnesota ---- lumbering in the sense that they were cutting lumber, not referring to how they walked ---- and that was fine for awhile, but when lumbering died out and the Minnesotans went away, then things started to get good. In this country, we offer early retirement to folks on the public payroll,so you've got lots of youngsters in their fifties who are free as the wind, with a nice pension, and Bend is a beautiful place with a low cost of living that's hard for your children to come and visit. So you're free of supervision. But of course no life is utterly without irritation, as I discovered when I dropped in at the Spirit of Love Cocktail Lounge for an Echinacea martini---- (GLASSWARE, WASHING)
SS: You want that straight up or on the rocks?
GK: Actually, how about you just bring me a glass of orange juice?
SS: By the way---- on that crossword---
GK: Yes?
SS: I see that 34 Across has got you stumped----
GK: Well----34 Across, "tiny".
SS: It's "minuscule". M-I-n-u-s-c-u-l-e.
GK: M-I-n-U-s?
SS: Right. And 31 down is "Upanishad". Hindu holy writing.
TR: You new in town?
GK: Just here for a few hours.
TR: Oh. Not interested in buying a condo?
GK: I don't think so.
TR: I'm selling mine, moving to Idaho.
SS: You keep saying that, Pete----
TR: This time I really am. Do you know what crazy law the city council is proposing now? You're not going to believe this. They are debating an ordinance that requires dog owners to keep dogs on a leash when outdoors and to pick up their poop!! I can't believe it!
SS: Well, don't get all worked up----
TR: This is the West. John Wayne did not go around after his dog with a Baggie on his hand. Did he? Am I wrong? Am I missing something?
GK: Well, it's nice when you go out walking not to have to watch what you're stepping in----
TR: So? Get a car. Drive.
SS: Don't have a coronary occlusion over it, okay?
TR: Well, I got my own way of dealing with dog poop.
SS: What's that?
TR: When I take the dogs out for a walk, I take a shotgun with me.
SS: You don't.
TR: I just blow it away. That's how we handle it in the West. By the way, on that crossword you're doing---- 16 Down is Pitts. P-I-t-t-s. Zasu Pitts.(BRIDGE)
GK: Fascinating town, Bend. A lot of retired people who seemed happy to be free of family supervision, out enjoying the golden years. I thought about joining them but somehow, for a Minnesotan, the idea of giving up suffering is too dramatic. Misery is the organizing principle of our lives. What would we do without it? I left the lounge and walked out into the sunshine, the snowy mountain peaks in the distance, the clean mountain air, the smell of pines, and halfway across the sidewalk I (SQUISH) stepped into a big steaming pile of it and right away I felt better. Grounded, somehow.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003