(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
GK: And now--..the Four Minute and Twenty-five Second Theater presents----A TOAST TO HOLLYWOOD--..
(GLASSWARE, CAFE AMBIENCE)
TR: You see that guy by the door? In the red glasses? He directs for Castle Rock.
SS: I thought I recognized him.
TR: Yeah, I met him at a party. At Sidney Pollack's.
SS: Oh really. I hear the Pollacks give great parties.
TR: They do. They're very----- giving people. You know what I mean?
SS: I do. I always meant to go to one but ---- I never had the time. You know?
TR: I know.
SS: I see Sidney down on Venice Beach a lot. With Redford.
TR: Really? Do you know Redford?
SS: Sure. Kind of. We talk. I petted his dog once. A Chesapeake. Say, what are you working on now?
TR: I got a part in that new Stars Wars film.
SS: That's great. What part?
TR: It's extra work. But, you know, for the chance to work with George Lucas, it's worth it. I don't really care about the money.
SS: What sort of crowd?
TR: Angry villagers. Torches. I get to carry a torch. I'm in the third row. So----
SS: I used to do stuff like that. I told my agent, "If Woody Allen calls, I don't care what it pays. He's just such a class guy."
TR: So, what have you got going on?
SS: Now?
TR: Yeah.
SS: I'm taking a few months off. I've been so incredibly busy, I need the down time. How about you?
TR: I have a meeting with Warner Bros. next week. They really like a treatment I did. They just need to attach a director to it. They are talking to Steven Soderbergh.
SS: The guy who did Traffic?
TR: Did I say Soderbergh? I meant Speilberg. I get those two mixed up. No, Soderbergh is a little artsy for me. I'm trying to be more accessible.
SS: I thought you were talking to Steve Martin.
TR: I am. Steve is wanting to do something with me. Just waiting for the right project to come along. He's tossed some ideas at Johnny, too but, you know, it's a long shot----
SS: Johnny?
TR: Depp.
SS: Oh. Right.
FN: Excuse me! Susan? Mr. Nicholson needs you. He's in the booth back there.
SS: I'm sorry. You'll have to excuse me.
(SFX FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Yes, Mr. Nicholson Are you ready to order?
TR: (AS NICHOLSON) Yeah. If you have a free moment, could you bring me a plate of toast? Okay? Buttered?
SS: Yes, of course. Let me tell you about our toast. First, our chef has prepared a chateaubriand toast, French bread, au jus, then toasted under a mesquite grill and it's like a grenade of flavor waiting to go off. And there's a toast almondine that is absolutely awe-inspiring. Picture a lone man in an almond orchard, locked in a struggle--a race against time, against the weather. A struggle for life and death. It's about more than flavor. It's about what it's like to be alive.
TR: Please. Just bring me a plate of toast. I'm hungry. Okay?
SS: I too have felt hunger. Felt a longing I couldn't explain. And then I found our barbequed cheese toast. Thin crusty rye bread soaked in a subtle sauce that whispers into your ear, things like: rosemary, basil, sweet pesto.
TR: Give me plain whole wheat toast, okay?
SS: Somehow I thought you might be heading there. And I'm happy. Whole wheat. The Dakotas. The whole high plains thing. The big sky. The guy driving west. The horses. The wind.
TR: Could I see your manager?
SS: Of course, sir. Just a moment.
SFX FOOTSTEPS
FN: Yes, Mr. Nicholson?
TR: Listen. It's not happening for me. Okay? I need another waiter.
FN: What don't you like? You want it younger. She can play younger, no problem. You want it bigger.
TR: I don't want it bigger. I just want to eat.
FN: OK, what I'm hearing you say is that you want your food now.
TR: That's right, I would.
FN: Great. Let me call the manager over here.
TR: Aren't you the manager?
FN: I'm Susan's manager. I'll get Sean over here right away. Meanwhile, here's my card and a couple of headshots. Call me next week. Okay? Let's talk. Love to have lunch. Tuesday is great for me. Call me. Love your work, Jack. Loved meeting you. Ciao.
(THEME)
GK: The Four Minute Forty-five Second Theater presented A TOAST TO HOLLYWOOD.
(BAND PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2003