(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith; AJ: Abbot John)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND UNDER....)
GK: It was the third week in April and after a few little meteorological surprises, spring was finally making itself evident though of course nobody had put away their snow shovels and nobody was sending out invitations for the garden party. Except the students at St. Cloud State. They'd been having garden parties right on through the winter. I was there on an undercover job for Babalicious Magazine, researching an article on campus lowlife. I was embedded in the Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity where nobody noticed me because they kept the lights so low on account of the hangovers. And the members didn't go out much during the day. Except for a guy named Chad.
TK (TEEN): Hey.
GK: How you doin', Chad?
TK (TEEN): You're kinda old for college, aren't you?
GK: Learning is a lifetime experience, Chad. At your graduation ceremony, you'll find that out.
TK (TEEN): You're just here for the parties, aren't you.
GK: I'm on a research project in patterns and processes of cross-gender socialization.
TK (TEEN): You're here to look at young women.
GK: Chad, I'm here to broaden my experience of life.
TK (TEEN): You're here to look at young women.
GK: Every piece of furniture in the frat house looked as if had been dragged behind a truck over gravel roads. And every night (ELECTRIC GUITAR CHORDS) they played music so loud it took the tartar off your teeth. (DOOR SLAM, MUSIC OUT) I took a lot of long walks through St. Cloud, and spent a lot of time in coffee shops, and that was where I met Danny Montalban. (CAFE INTERIOR)
TR (RICO): Hey, Noir.
GK: Who're you?
TR: Danny Montalban. I'm with an organization called The Center for the American Experience.
GK: Where have we met before?
TR: You knew me as Rico Lamborghini and I was with the Center for the Transfer of Large Amounts of Cash To Guys In Dark Suits.
GK: Oh, right. Rico. What brings you to St. Cloud? (BRIDGE) He motioned me toward a dark corner. He was the same old Rico, except wearing those little skinny black hornrim glasses that so many people are wearing today, unaware of how ugly they are.
TR: The Center for the American Experience is promoting American values, Noir, and we're encouraging people to speak American and eliminate these foreign words and phrases that liberals have introduced into our speech in order to promote their One World philosophy and pave the way for a takeover by the United Nations.
GK: Sounds like a full-time job.
TR: And we're starting here in St. Cloud.
GK: I see.
TR: In light of what the French did to us in Iraq, after all we did for them in World War II, we feel it's time for the city of St. Cloud to find an American name. Time to end French influence in Stearns County and rename the city Rockford. What do you think?
GK: Good solid English name, Rockford. Could be confused with the French, Roquefort---- but----
TR: I need your help.
GK: $250 a day plus expenses.
TR: Not a problem. The Center for the American Experience is very well funded, Noir.
GK: That's good.
TR: We got money from the Lundberg family. Of the Lundberg Fruitcake Co.
GK: The ones who were fined by the DNR for dumping millions of pounds of waste fruitcake into the Mississippi which led to that 300-pound carp that ate the water skier last summer.
TR: One and the same.
GK: How'd you get into politics, Rico? Last time we met you were in casinos.
TR: I go where the action is. Right now, it's the conservative movement. People who got a trailer full of trash and they can't understand why big government won't let them dump it in the ditch. Or the progressive income tax: why should people who have more pay more? It doesn't make sense. You ever listen to AM radio, Noir? It isn't about tolerance and brotherhood. You don't increase your market share by accepting political differences. You do it by banging away at liberals and knocking Old Europe ---- Germany, France ---- how come they don't do what we tell them to?
GK: Well, when your country's been pretty much torn up by war twice in one century, you start to lose your enthusiasm.
TR: I didn't ask you. Listen. I don't have time to waste. I want
you to head out to Charlie's Cafe in Freeport, Noir. I'll meet
you there later.
GK: You're the boss. (BRIDGE) I headed west toward Freeport and
out between St. Joseph and Avon (SIREN) ---- darn --- sheriff's department-----
(STING) What's this all about? (CAR SLOWS AND STOPS) (TRAFFIC PASSING)
GK: My speedometer has been acting up lately, officer----
TK: You weren't speeding, mister. I pulled you over because your left-turn signal has been on for the past eleven miles----
GK: I didn't even notice.
TK: You trying to send a signal to somebody---- a co-conspirator?
GK: No, sir.
TK: And why a left turn?
GK: It was a mistake.
TK: Could I see your driver's license?
GK: Of course.
TK: Security's high up here, what with the war and all. A person can't be too careful. ---- Your breath smells of garlic? You been eating felafel?
GK: No, sir.
TK: The back of your neck is white. Do you ordinarily wear a burnoose?
GK: No, I don't.
TK: Mind if I check your trunk for camel dung?
GK: You go right ahead. Those buildings up there on the hill, officer --- what are those?
TK: Those? That's St. John's. St. John's Abbey and University.
GK: Abbey, huh?
TK: See the sign?
GK: "If you're Abbey and you know it, please be quiet." Catholics, huh?
TK: That's right.
GK: Are you Catholic, officer?
TK: Mister, around here even the bears are Catholic. (BRIDGE)
GK: Freeport is the next town after Avon and Albany. It's sort of where the prairie begins. Albany and Avon were obviously settled by Englanders and they're part of that whole Eastern establishment/Washington/media/Wall Street/Oxford/elm trees and ivy walls type of thing, and then you come to Freeport and suddenly the West opens up and you're looking toward the Great Plains/Santa Fe/San Francisco/Pacific Basin/Buddhist/One with Everything ethos ---- a vast cultural divide in about ten miles there on I-94. And Charlie's Cafe is the home of the biggest banana cream and lemon meringue pies in the western world. (CAFE AMBIENCE)
SS: Care for a booth or you want to sit at the counter?
GK: Is Charlie here?
SS: No.
GK: How about Bud?
SS: No, he's down in St. Paul.
GK: Well, my name is Noir and I'm investigating French infiltration in Stearns County and tell Bud I think he ought to get rid of the word cafe. It's not an American word.
SS: Since when?
GK: Since never. Neither is restaurant. Tell him to try the word "eatery" or "hash house". And get those hors d'oeuvres off the menu.
SS: You're not from around here, are you---
GK: What does that have to do with it?
SS: Everything. What's your name?
GK: Schwarz. Guy Schwarz.
SS: We've got some Schwartzes around here but you don't look like one of them.
GK: I see you've got "hamburger" on the menu, too.
SS: You got a problem with that?
GK: Well, it's a foreign word. I'd suggest "beef patty". To show your support for the troops.
SS: Around here, hamburger is not a foreign word. And neither is dummkopf. You get me?
GK: I think so.
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hey----- Noir.
GK: Hi, Rico.
TR: Hey, get us a booth, okay?
SS: There's one right there.
TR: Siddown, Noir. Listen. I just made a deal with a sign company in Sauk Center. When we change St. Cloud to Rockford, we put in a bid on the sign contract and another bid to print up new letterheads, and----
ABBOT JOHN: Excuse me, gentlemen---- you're Guy Noir?
GK: Yes, sir.
AJ: I'm Abbot John from St. John's Abbey.
GK: You're the Abbot?
AJ: Like Abbott & Costello except there's just one of me.
GK: Pleasure to meet you, Father Abbot. This is my associate in the Center for the American Experience, Danny Montalban.
AJ: Hi, Rico.
TR: Hi.
GK: You two have met?
AJ: He was out to the Abbey last week trying to sell me a couple carloads of aluminum siding.
TR: You know you'd save yourself a lot of money on maintaining that brick-----
GK: So you've heard about the Rockford idea, I take it----
AJ: It's not going to happen, gentlemen. Rockford just lacks a certain
---- how shall I say ---- Je ne sais quoi. St. Cloud is the name we're
used to and even if it isn't a synonym for Joie de vivre or Piece
de resistance, it's ---- as we say in Stearns County, Nicht schlect.
Not bad.
GK: Touche, Abbot.
TR: You better be careful, Abbot ---- 80% of the people around here think it's time we show the French who is who and what is what-----
AJ: Listen. You get rid of French, you lose the idea of the Femme fatale, the avant-garde, cafe au lait, the gourmet, the gauche.
TR: Well, surely you're opposed to the risky.
GK: He means risque----
AJ: Rico----- for the Germans of Stearns County, there's a certain sense of deja vu about the attempt to ban foreign words, and it's a huge faux pas, and it just plain isn't going to happen. St. Cloud is St. Cloud and Rockford is kaput and---- (SNEEZE) Gesundheit ---- any kindergartener who knows a dachshund from a bratwurst knows that it's not apropos to switch to a nom de plume everytime there's a little angst around. Okay? (DOG GROWL) Easy, Ludwig.
GK: Let's get out of here, Rico. Unless you want to be pinched by a Doberman. Good to meet you, Father Abbot. If you ever need a private investigator, here's my card.
AJ: And if you need help trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Mr. Noir ---- there are classes at the Cathedral. Don't hesitate to stop by.
GK: Yes, sir. (THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets is one guy who is still trying, Guy Noir--..Private Eye. (THEME OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003