(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to
find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private
Eye.
(THEME UP AND UNDER....)
GK: It was March and the country about to go to war ---- St. Paul
in the throes of late winter, cold, cloudy, twilight at noon, and I was
trying to think of a way to get out of town ---- some land promotion scam,
a wealthy widow looking for a dance partner on a world cruise ----- anything
---- I was open to offers----- it was hard to tell when the sun went down,
but I took a guess and I headed over to the Five Spot. (MUSIC BRIDGE)(DOOR
OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hey! How's it going, Guy?
GK: Oh. About the same. How's everything here?
TR: Oh. Quiet day.
GK: Yeah, I can see that.
TR: I was just about done counting the holes in the acoustic ceiling tile when you walked in. Now I lost track of the count.
GK: Well, you can start counting again tomorrow. It's good to do it every day.
TR: It's like studying calculus in high school. You do it for the discipline. What can I get you? Martini?
GK: Naw. Glass of water.
TR: You want an olive with that?----
GK: Sure.
TR: One Baptist Martini, coming right up. ----So what's on your mind?
GK: Oh. Thinking about the President and his war. And those guys in Kuwait, getting ready to jump off and do their duty. Old-fashioned concept. It's amazing they can still find people who believe in it.
TR: Yeah. Speaking as a lifelong coward, I gotta agree with you there.
GK: Somebody hands you a battle plan and you know it's not going to be like that, but you figure you roll with the punches and make it up as you go along. The great American art, improvisation.
TR: Yeah. Situation normal, all fouled up.
GK: Something like that. I remember the time, that case at the Shangri-la ---- (DOOR JINGLE, OPEN. CLOSE) Well, well, well----- who's this?
(SLOW WALK, HIGH HEELS, STOP)
SS: (SLOW, SULTRY) Hi. One of you guys named Noir? Guy Noir?
GK: Yeah.
SS: Good.
GK: Can I offer you a beverage?
SS: Yes, you may.
GK: English major, huh?
SS: The difference between "can I" and "may I" is an important distinction to a lady.
GK: What would you like to drink?
SS: Orange juice. No ice. Fresh orange juice.
TR: I'll go right over to the supermarket and get some oranges. (FAST WALK, OFF. DOOR JINGLE OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: You're from Florida, aren't you.
SS: How'd you guess?
GK: There's a kind of heat coming off you. And you're wearing a Jaguars pin.
SS: Very observant.
GK: And you're a writer.
SS: Oh?
GK: The indentation on your right thumb where it hits the space bar. Also, the thesaurus in your tote bag. Thesaurus, dictionary of synonyms, word catalogue, whatever you want to call it.
SS: Guess you got me figured out. I write for the Jacksonville Times Union. They send a reporter up to Minnesota from time to time ---- Floridians just like to read about winter.
GK: Well, I've always wanted to know more about Jacksonville. Maybe you can help me out.
SS: Sure. What can I do for you?
GK: We can get to that later. First, tell me about Jacksonville.
SS: It's a big city. Lots of room. Lots of parks. Water. Not so many hurricanes, not so hot in the summer.
GK: I suppose some people like it not so hot.
SS: How do you like it, Mr. Noir? (BRIDGE)
GK: She was getting my glasses steamed up pretty well. And my heart rate was right up there, too. She was tan everywhere you could see and you could see a lot. I figured the rest of her probably was tan, too. ---- How about we talk about the weather over dinner, Miss-----
SS: Taylor. Call me----- Miss Taylor.
GK: Fine.
SS: What sort of cuisine do you like, Mr. Noir? (MUSIC)
GK: One of those trick questions. And steak is never the right answer. -----I'm quite partial to seafood, Miss Taylor. Seafood salads. Northern Italian style.
SS: Really. I like that too.
GK: A guy never goes wrong by saying northern Italian. It is such a classy phrase.
SS: Are you Italian?
GK: I'm northern. Not so much Italian. A little bit. On my mother's side. But mostly English, French, Swedish, Irish-----
SS: Really? I'm Irish.
GK: Hey. Good guess. 1 and a half out of 2. Looking good.
SS: Are you Catholic?
GK: No.
SS: Neither am I.
GK: Whew. Big hurdle there.
SS: What sort of work do you do? If you don't mind my asking?
GK: The question that establishes your social standing. I see no reason to tell the truth here. Take a chance. ---- What sort of work do I do? I'm in management.
SS: Oh.
GK: Computer services. Software. That sort of thing. Internet. You know. Cyber stuff. The Web.
SS: Sure. Do you mind if I ask a personal question?
GK: Here it comes.
SS: How old are you?
GK: The cruel question. Well, the secret of staying young is to lie about your age.----- I'm 35.
SS: Oh. You look older than that.
GK: People tell me that all the time. ----
(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FAST FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Got the seedless. Hope that's okay.
SS: That's wonderful. (TR, OFF, STARTS SQUEEZING. TR EFFORT, SQUISH, DRIPPING, TOSSES RIND IN CAN. NEXT ORANGE. )
GK: Those oranges look darned good.
SS: So how do you feel about the situation in Iraq?
GK: Well, this is it. The big one. ----- Yes. The, uh, situation in Iraq. Sort of coming to a head, isn't it. Looks like we're about to go to war ---- without the support of the U.N. ---- over the opposition of Russia, China, France, and Germany ---- against a country that hasn't attacked us ----on the grounds that they've failed to prove that they aren't a threat ---- a war that most Americans are dubious about, at best ---- seeing as how nobody knows how much it might cost or how long, or how many innocent people might get killed ---- and to what purpose? Other than that, it's not a bad idea.
SS: So you're one of those turn tail and run Democrats, huh? The Blame America First crowd? Afraid to exercise power in the world? Is that it? One of those appeasement liberals. Flip flop on everything. You people are worse than the Canadians. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
GK: We could discuss it over dinner. Hey--- it's a free country.
SS: Thanks to us conservatives it is. (DOOR SLAM)
(FOOTSTEPS, SLOW)
TR: Care for some orange juice?
GK: Republican women do not date liberals, Jimmy. I've discovered that from bitter experience. Beautiful women who I could've danced with if only I were more enthusiastic about supply side economics.
TR: You don't go along with supply side economics?
GK: If the supply is on my side, yes, of course----- Darn. I should've talked about nation building and the importance of sticking to your word. Should've talked about faith. Standing behind the President. Darn. ---
TR: Got some fresh squeezed orange juice here.
GK: Well, it's better than nothing.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003