(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: One of the great figures of public broadcasting died this past week, Fred Rogers, of Pittsburgh, that lovely man who looked into the television camera and spoke to children. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. Fred was a brave man, true to his principles, and guided by his imagination, and everyone who met him knew that he was the genuine thing, a man of enormous kindness. So, you may ask, if you thought so highly of him, why did you make fun of him on your crummy radio show, you ignorant peasant ---- well, I guess because whenever we did, people laughed. He was so clearly identifiable. He stood out. And that always makes for comedy. You pick on the guy who is different.
TR (MR ROGERS): That's OK. I spent my life helping people learn. Yes, I did. And I'd like to help you learn that comedy is not about picking on people. No, it isn't.
GK: Mr. Rogers, I'm sorry. I didn't invent the world---
TR (MR. ROGERS): No, but I was just talking with the guy who did and ---- do you know what the word "kharma" means? Do you? I talked to the big guy this morning and guess what?
GK: What?
TR (MR ROGERS): You're not gonna be my neighbor. No, you're not.
GK: Mr. Rogers-----
TR (MR. ROGERS): Remember the worst audience you ever had? Do you? I'll bet you do.
GK: I do. The show I did in my hometown.
TR (MR. ROGERS): That's what you have to look forward to.
GK: OK ---- tell me, Mr. Rogers, what's it like up there?
TR (JOHN WAYNE): Hey there, pilgrim.
GK: John Wayne?
TR (JOHN WAYNE): That's right. Call me Duke.
GK: You're not upset with how comedians have dealt with you, are you?
TR (JOHN WAYNE): I'm a cowboy. And I may not be the sharpest burr on the spur. But I believe in justice and so I believe that people who do comedy, if you can call it that, will have to answer for it someday and get what's coming to them.
TR (JIMMY STEWART): I don't know. I guess that, doggone it, I just wish that people who do Jimmy Stewart impressions didn't always do me with that, that, that stutter, you know ---- they saddled me with all that stuttering --- I mean, I had a wonderful life ---- I, I, I, I, I could uh, uh, uh, talk as well as the next guy. Did you ever see me in "Rear Window"? Did you? Did I stutter in "Rear Window"? No, I did not. Talked just like a normal person. And Grace Kelly was attracted to me, doggone it. What a girl.
GK: Well, comedy is caricature, sir. It's an exaggeration.
TR (NIXON) I'll tell you about exaggeration.
GK: Mr. Nixon?
TR (NIXON): People were exaggerating about me from day one. Gave me big jowls. Stiff shoulders. Made me look like I'm on a clothes hanger.
TR (ELVIS): That's right, chief. Hey, this is Elvis here. How y'all doin? Just want to say, I wish that all of you cats who do comedy --- I mean, I think you gotta walk a mile in a guy's shoes before you can make fun of him or anything of that sort ---- except don't take my shoes, man --- a hum a hum a huma----
GK: Well, there was no personal animosity on our part, believe me ---- you were big guys, and it's sort of a tradition to make fun of the big guys, and there's a lot of affection in it----
TR (REAGAN): Well, there you go again, knocking down the big guy, and --- no ---- America is not anti-big guy.
GK: Mr. Reagan, you're not supposed to be here-----
TR (REAGAN): No, I'm not, but these are all friends of mine----
GK: Believe me, comedy is based on a sort of twisted affection----
TR (CAPOTE): Twisted is the right word. For what you did to me and make me into that grotesque ridiculous voice that you do----
GK: Mr. Capote, that's how we remember you.
TR (CAPOTE): I was a serious author and you made me into this little pixie person. -----
TR (BOGART): He's got a point. Your impression of me didn't win any prizes either. You ever see my movies? Huh? Did you? You always got me saying, "Play it again, Sam" ---- or "Here's looking at you, sweetheart" ---- bet you never saw me do "Hamlet," did you? Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well.
TR (CAGNEY): You dirty rat. You dirty rat.
GK: Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
TR (MAE WEST): Don't let em push you around, big boy. What you doing later, handsome? How about you come up and see me?
GK: Someday. Not yet, Miss West.
TR (FIELDS): Ah, we could use the company. It's been kind of tedious up here. The abstemiousness is starting to get to me. Yesterday, for goodness sake, I slept right through my nap.
TR (WEST): Goodness is an understatement. The only men I seem to meet up here are either married or they want to do my hair.
GK: Okay.
TR (GEORGE BURNS): Well, Gracie and I have no complaints. People are so accommodating. I was talking to God the other day. Funny guy. He said he liked my impression of him. But he told me to lose the cigar.
GK: Well, Fred, I think you're going to be okay. You've got lots of friends up here.
TR (MISTER ROGERS): I think I'll be okay, too. I was just touched by an angel. Pretty exciting.
TR (MAE WEST): Nothing ever called me an angel before, but there's a first time for everything, if you're lucky. Let me watch you unzip that sweater.
GK: You guys take care, and we'll be seeing you soon enough----
AS TIME GOES BY
REAGAN: Well, you must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss,
A sigh is, uh, still a sigh.
W.C.FIELDS: Ah, the fundamental things apply, As Tempus Fugits, my little chickadee.
TRUMAN CAPOTE: And when two lovers woo
They still say "I love you,"
MR. ROGERS: Yes, they do ---- on that you can rely;
JIMMY STEWART: Ah, no matter what the future brings,
As time goes by.
WAYNE: Moonlight and love songs --- heck, they're never out of date----
CAGNEY: Hearts full of passion, jealousy and hate.
WEST: Woman needs man, and man must have his mate.
ELVIS: Huh huh huh --- on that you can rely.
NIXON: It's still the same old story,
A fight for love and glory. And I am not a crook.
BOGART: A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome Mr. Rogers. Here's to you, sweetheart.
STEWART: As time-----Goes-----
REAGAN: Well. Bye.
© Garrison Keillor 2003