(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(ORGAN)
SS: Honey?
GK: Yes?
SS: Do you love me? (SUSPENSE CHORD)
GK: I certainly do. I love you with all my heart and all my soul, with every sinew of my being.
SS: I love when you say that. Especially "sinew". (BIG CHORDS, THEN UNDER--..)
TR (SOTTO VOCE): The clear statement of passion: it's no wonder most women prefer an English major.
SS: Sometimes I'm not sure how you feel.
GK: Sometimes my passion for you is so blazingly strong, I'm not quite sure what I would do if you were taken from me.
TR (SOTTO VOCE): An economist wouldn't know how to speak like this. But an English major does. The human heart ---- it's his specialty.
GK: That's why we're going out for dinner tonight at the Cafe Puccini Verdi di Pomodoro.
SS: The Cafe Puccini Verdi di Pomodoro!!!!!
GK: Where I first met you ---- where this story of ours began ----- where I stopped at your table and said, "Is this seat taken?" And suddenly it was.
SS: The Cafe Puccini Verdi di Pomodoro??? It's so expensive----and you're an English major. Can we afford it?
GK: Can we afford not to? I would rather mortgage the future and the past than forfeit one chance to bring you pleasure now.
SS: Oh honey---- (MUSIC)
TR (SOTTO VOCE): Engineers or patent attorneys or thoracic surgeons could no more express passionate romantic love than they could sing "Che gelida manina." But an English major can.
SS: Sometimes I'm jealous of your first wife. Sometimes I fear that you loved her more than me.
GK: I think what you mean to say is that you're jealous of me and you resent her, fearing that I love her more than I love you.
SS: Isn't that what I said?
GK: Not really. It has to do with the adverbial clause, and rather than use the objective form, me, you should use the nominative, I.
SS: You're so intelligent when it comes to feelings.
GK: Of course. I'm an English major.
TR (SOTTO VOCE): He's so smooth. The English language is like a musical instrument in his hands. But he's capable of raw emotion, too.
GK: The Cafe Puccini Verdi di Pomodoro it is. But I warn you. If that vile wretch Brett Sandberg comes in, I'm not responsible for what I do.
SS: My ex-boyfriend? I haven't thought of Brett in years----
GK: If I lay eyes on him, I'm liable to cut his throat with a steak knife and throw his lifeless bleeding body into a Dumpster and race away with you to Canada and then to Australia and never look back.
SS: But he's fat and bald and living in Seattle.
GK: I had rather be a toad and live upon the vapors of a dungeon than keep a corner in the thing I love for others' uses.
SS: I want to write that down, it's so beautiful. (MUSIC)
TR (SOTTO VOCE): Life is drama, language is feeling, and feeling is first --- no wonder most women say, "Make mine an English major, please."
GK: Why would one ever choose to speak or write anything else ---- if one could speak English? (HORSE WHINNY) Oh, there are minor languages galore, but there is only one----English major!
TR: A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003