(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)

GK: (CELEBS THEME) It's Valentine's Day weekend, and what do famous celebrities do for Valentine's Day ---- people who receive so much adulation and public acclaim, do they need love? ---- Mr. President, you have plans for Valentine's Day?

TR (BUSH): Planning to take the First Lady up to Camp David and just send the staff home for the night. Lock the gates.

GK: Sounds wonderful.

TR (BUSH): It is. I love it when she calls me The Dear Leader. That's what she calls me. And she writes me little poems, like "When Push Comes To Shove, It's Bush Whom I Love"

GK: Sounds good.

TR (BUSH): She loves poetry, you know. That's why she invited those poets to come to the White House. And then they wanted to make an anti-war protest rally out of it. Well, we took care of that ---- let's put it this way: they are no longer a problem.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (BUSH): You want to be a problem, I'll make good and sure that you cease to be a problem. If you catch my drift.

GK: Sounds like we didn't catch you on a good day, Mr. President. You take care---- how about you, Former Governor Jesse (The Body) Ventura ---- any plans for Valentine's Day-----
TR (JESSE): Well, since I left the governor's office I got myself a couple of earrings and a tongue plug with a revolving red light on it and I painted the top of my head maroon and I got myself this shirt made of chickadee feathers and on Valentine's Day I'm gonna come swinging in on a vine carrying this big box of chocolate and a dozen roses and sing "Rainy Day Woman" and let it go at that.

GK: I see. What kind of roses are those, Governor?

TR (JESSE): I got no idea. Just roses.

GK: Primroses?

TR (JESSE): I sincerely doubt it.

GK: Sounds like you've got a big time planned.

TR (JESSE): I'm ready to rumble.

GK: Good luck. Your Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth, how are you planning to spend Valentine's Day?

TR (QUEEN): We shall to Golders Green, to dedicate a nature center for the spastics. (DOG BARKS) Shut up. Shut up! (DOG WHINE)
GK: I see. No romantic plans for the day?
TR (QUEEN): We feel that the Royal Family has had enough romantic hanky-panky and so we shall to Balmoral to be with our dogs. (DOG BARK) Shut up!
GK: You mean, you shall go to Balmoral?
TR (QUEEN): We shall to Balmoral. We do not use the word "go" except to mean you know what.
GK: Very well. Thank you. Ira Glass, any plans for Valentine's Day?
TR (GLASS): Did you ever stop to think that the initials of Valentine's Day are V.D.? And the word "Lent" is in it? And the word "ale"? Do you ever think of stuff like that? Do you ever notice these little things sort of sliding downward on the surface of your eyeball, like little tiny bubbles, and you sit there watching them and then you try closing your eyes and pressing on them and making little starbursts of light and all these different colors and then suddenly you remember that you were supposed to meet this girl about an hour and a half ago except you can't remember where and of course you could call her up on her cellphone, but then how could you explain the fact that you've been watching your own eyeballs all afternoon? You ever spend a day like that?
GK: Okay, thank you, I think you gave us a number of insights there, thank you very much. Julia Child, happy Valentine's Day to you.

TR (JULIA): Bonjour, mes amis! (FRENCH)
GK: And what are your plans for Valentine's Day, Julia?
TR (JULIA): Oh, I'm going to have a little tete-a-tete and fix a lovely meat loaf tartare (FRENCH) and mashed potatoes (FRENCH) and green beans followed by a festive red heart-shaped Jell-O mold topped with Miracle Whip (FRENCH).
GK: Sounds like a feastfOzzie Osbourne, how about you?
TR (OZZIE): I love you, man. I love everybody. Where am I? Are we on the air?
GK: You're fine.

TR (OZZIE): You wanna see my butt?

GK: Ted Koppel---- Valentine's Day?

TR (KOPPEL): This Valentine's Day, which after all comes from an ancient Roman festival in which the names of prospective mates were drawn at random from a jar and thus matches were made by pure chance that in many cases resulted in stronger marriages than what we, in our western system, spend years developing in courtship and a selection process that often leads to divorce and re-marriage before we arrive at a point---- where ---- what was the question?
GK: That's fine. Thank you. We'll take it from there. Mr. Rogers?
TR (MR. ROGERS): You want to know what Mr. and Mrs. Rogers are doing for Valentine's Day? Well, Ginger and I are going to come upstairs and I'll get out my puppets and she'll get out her puppets and we'll talk to each other. Yes, we will.
GK: And you, Dr. Phil?
TR (DR. PHIL): What are you people thinking of!!! What --- did you have Dumb Flakes for breakfast or what?

GK: Michael Jackson, any special plans for Valentine's Day?
TR (MICHAEL): I'm inviting my friends Wendy and the lost boys over to hang with me...from the balcony.
GK: What about Captain Hook?
TR (MICHAEL): He's not invited...he's mean, and he's very, very devilish.
GK: Okay, have fun. That's all the time we have for Famous Celebrities (THEME) brought to you by MarCom, makers of ZanTec.

© Garrison Keillor 2003