(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---
(MUSIC)
GK: It all started one morning when I went looking for the dry cleaners to get a pistachio stain removed from my good gray fedora which happened when a terrorist tried to take over one elevator in the Acme Building.
TR (DESPERATE, KIRK DOUGLAS): Okay, everybody. Just hold it right
there and no sudden moves and nobody gets hurt. I don't want to use this
but believe me, I will if I have to. So don't push me. You hear me? ----
What do you want, pal?
GK: That's not a pistol you got in your hand, mister. It's an ice cream
cone. Pistachio.
TR: What?? Oh, doggone it---- I can't even terrorize! (HE THROWS IT, SCHLOP,
AND STOMPS OUT, SLAMMING THE DOOR)
GK: The ice cream cone landed on my fedora. So I went out to have it cleaned. (CITY AMBIENCE, TRAFFIC, FOOTSTEPS) I looked all around and the cleaner wasn't where it used to be. I asked the newsboy----
TR (GRAVELLY): It's that way. Through that door. Down the hall. First door to the right.
GK: Through the door. Down the hall. First door to the right. (FOOTSTEPS) I followed his directions and took the first door to the right and found myself onstage in a vast cavernous space that I realized was the St. Paul Paramount Theater. The aisle lights were like strings of bright jewels hung in the dark -----
TR (ON P.A.): Okay. Right there. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) That's good. Come downstage. (A COUPLE STEPS) I said downstage.
GK: Sorry. (A COUPLE STEPS)
TR (ON P.A.) : Stop. Thank you. -----Did you bring music?
GK: No. I guess not.
TR (ON P.A.): You want accompaniment?
GK: In what sense do you mean that?
TR (ON P.A.): You want the pianist to play?
GK: It's up to him.
TR (ON P.A.): Okay. What are you going to sing?
GK: Me?
TR (ON P.A.): Yes. You.
GK: Now?
TR (ON P.A.): Right.
GK: I was just looking for the cleaner.
TR (ON P.A.): Okay. What key do you do it in?
GK: Which?
TR (ON P.A.): "I Was Just Looking for The Cleaner" ---- is that Cole Porter, by the way? ----Miss Beach, would you bring the gentleman a glass of water?
(HIGH HEELS FOOTSTEPS)
GK: And just then a beautiful young woman in a red plush bathing suit walked out on stage and gave me a glass of water.
SS (SEXY): Hi. I'm Sandy. You seem a little nervous, and I know how hard it is to take an audition. You walk out here and you're all alone and suddenly you forget everything you ever knew. But you have to remember: you can make everything a little better if you just try to smile. No matter how scared you are, it helps to take a deep breath and get a nice big smile on your face. It really does.
GK: Would you marry me?
SS (SEXY): I'll do something even better. I'll stand in the wings where you can't see me and I'll watch and I know that I'm going to love what you do. I'm going to just love it. (HIGH HEELS FOOTSTEPS OFF)
GK:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds
Nor bends with the remover to remove.
TR (ON P.A.): Thank you.
GK: Oh no---- it is an ever fixed mark
TR (ON P.A.): Next!!!
(BRIDGE)
GK: I walked back out to the street (TRAFFIC, CITY AMBIENCE) and over to Danny's Deli and asked Wendell the delivery boy----Hey---- Wendell----
TK (TEEN): Hi, Mr. Noir---
GK: Wendell, I'm looking for the cleaners----
TK (TEEN): Paragon Cleaners?
GK: Right.
TK (TEEN): They moved. Out to the mall, Mr. Noir. They changed
their name to Victoria's Secret Stain Removal.
GK: I hate it when they do that. How can they expect me to drive all the way out to the mall? Is there another cleaner around?
TK (TEEN): What do you need cleaned?
GK: My hat.
TK (TEEN): Is that all?
GK: What do you mean, is that all?
TK (TEEN): You got a big stain on your jacket, Mr. Noir. I hate to be the one to point it out, but----
GK: Oh my gosh. Where did that come from?
TK (TEEN): Looks like a sweat stain to me. Two of em, even.
GK: Guess she had a bigger effect on me than I thought at the time.
TK (TEEN): Who?
GK: Never mind. You're too young, Wendell---- wait till you're older---
TK (TEEN): I'm 43 years old, Mr. Noir.
GK: It's still too young. Wait till you're sixty.
TK (TEEN): Okay. (BRIDGE) (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE)
GK: I thought there might be a cleaner behind the Northern Pacific Building and I headed down a dark, narrow alley (FOOTSTEPS ON BROKEN GLASS, GRAVEL) cluttered with garbage. Steam rose from the sewer. A cat sang from a window ledge above. (MEOW) I felt something brush against my ankle. It was a piece of paper. A note that said: "Helf. I am being help host age." (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, PASSING CARS) What's that supposed to mean? I didn't have time to figure it out. I walked toward the river thinking maybe I'd find something at the Union Depot ---- all those businessmen hopping on the North Coast Limited to Chicago, surely there'd be some kind of cleaning establishment---- And then I saw a young woman in a tweed coat walking out on the railroad trestle over the Mississippi --- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Stop! Hey! Come back here! Don't do it!!!!! (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) ---- She was running fast and getting farther ahead of me ---- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN TIES) (HEAVY BREATHING) ----- it was a single track bridge and I could see through the ties to the river far below ----- the wood was a little slippery so I was watching my footing ----- I seemed to be about half way across when---- (DISTANT WHISTLE) (FOOTSTEPS SLOW AND STOP) (HEAVY BREATHING) Darn. (WHISTLE) When they cut back train service, they never cut back where they ought to. (CLOSER WHISTLE) I squeezed down between the ties just as (TRAIN PASSES FAST, OVER HEAD, GREAT WHOOSH, AND CLACKING) it came by ---- and when it was gone, I couldn't lift myself up ---- my hands were half-frozen ---- I was hanging there by my hands holding onto that wooden tie which was full of splinters and I was about to drop to the river below when---- there she was, kneeling above me----
SS: I'm gonna lower a rope, mister. Tie it around your waist.
GK: With what?
SS: Use your right hand. Do the bowline hitch. You remember that from Boy Scouts, don't you?
GK: The bowline hitch. That's the one where the bunny comes out of the hole and around the tree and back down the hole, right?
SS: Right. Here you go. (BRIDGE)
GK: Somehow, hanging by one hand from the trestle over the frozen Mississippi, I was able to get the rope around my waist and tie a bowline hitch and in less time than it takes to tell about it, she had hoisted me up to the tracks and helped me to the end of the trestle and we were sitting in a warm railroad shack with an old switchman----
TR (GEEZER): Here. Have a cuppa java, mister. That was a close one.
GK: How can I thank you, ma'am? You saved my life. How'd you ever learn about the bowline hitch?
SS: I was a Girl Scout. Before I became a go-go dancer at the Kit Kat Club and doing the shim-sham-shimmy for the travelling salesmen, I used to camp in the woods and light fires with a pile of dry tinder and a couple of sticks.
GK: I'll bet you lit a lot of fires in your time, sister.
TR (GEEZER): Julie here is my daughter.
GK: Oh.
TR (GEEZER): Came to say goodbye, she did, and today she's heading for Chicago on the 4:19 Zephyr.
GK: What's in Chicago, sister?
SS: Theater. I want to go legit. I want to do Ibsen, Strindberg, Chekhov, not spend my life shaking my tassels.
TR (GEEZER): Say, mister, you've got a bad stain there on your trousers.
GK: What? On my trousers-----
TR (GEEZER): Creosote. Must've gotten it off the trestle. Good that I know of a darned good cleaner.
GK: Oh? Who?
SS: Me. I can get any stain out of any thing. In theater, you learn things like that. Take off your pants. (STING)
GK: It's so good to hear a woman say that again. It's been years. (DISTANT WHISTLE)
TR (GEEZER): So what sort of work you do, Mr. Norton? (TRAIN WHOOSHES PAST)
GK: Noir. It's Guy Noir, sir. I'm a private eye.
TR (GEEZER): Oh. So you're in the business of tracking down guys like me. Guys on the run.
GK: On the run from what, Pops?
TR (GEEZER): I forget. The amnesia really kicked in bad a couple years ago----
GK: I believe you're Bobo Dubuque. Last time I was in the post office you were. Wanted in fourteen states and hankered after in fourteen more.
SS: Very smart, Mr. Noir. Now put your hands behind your back. That 4:19 Zephyr to Chicago, Pops and I are going to rob it.
GK: You're going to rob a train?
SS: We'll close the switch so the train stops on the trestle and we'll break open the baggage car and steal the billions of dollars that the President's tax cut is going to give to the rich----
GK: You're going to steal it?
TR (GEEZER): And to make sure you don't follow us, we're taking your pants----
SS: But first we're going to tie your hands and gag you. With a spoon. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: It was a long cold walk over the Robert Street Bridge without my pants. And when I was almost to the Five Spot, a car came racing down the street---- (CAR APPROACHING FAST) no---- not through that puddle (CAR HITS WATER, BIG WHOOSH OF SPRAY) (BRIDGE (BRIDGE, DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, DOOR CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy, how's it going? You look like you been kidnapped or something---- where's your pants?
GK: It's a long story. I started out to get my hat cleaned and instead they cleaned my clock.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get for you? A martini?
GK: Naw, I've got a longstanding rule. I never drink in public without my pants on.
TR (JIMMY): Good idea. If only more people did that---- St. Patrick's Day would be a whole different thing.
GK: Bring me a glass of sarsaparilla, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Okay. One root beer, coming up. You care for a slice of lemon with that?
GK: No, thanks.
TR (JIMMY): Long day, huh?
GK: You think life is going to give you diamonds and instead it throws you some dimes. So---- consider yourself lucky.
TR (JIMMY): At least you had on clean underwear.
GK: Thanks for noticing.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy
Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2003