O, I hate Tchaichovsky's Nutcracker, Nutcracker, Yes I do, It's a piece I hate

I have been to see it every year, 'cause I have nieces who are in the ballet

Ev'ry year I sit and suffer through dancing mice, soldiers and Clara and the tree

At the end I need a drink, but all they have is tea

Here in my seat I the first row I sit and I try to look very deeply amused

Here in my seat in the first row I sit and I suffer through dancing Nutcracker abuse

They dance, they dance, now on and on, act after act
until Tchaichovsky's nuts are cracked

O, I hate Tchaichovsky's Nutcracker, Nutcracker, It's so sweet that it makes me sick

Hate the little dancers and their moms, the orchestra
especially the guy who waves the stick

Every year I sit and I surfer through dancing mice, soldiers who march around

It's the end lets stand up and clap and lets go home and lie down

© Garrison Keillor 2002