(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: New York is in an economic slump and it's tough to get a job in Manhattan right now. Though not if you're an animal. The Metropolitan Opera employs dogs and camels, donkeys, there's a cat in "Hansel and Gretel," and "Aida" has a bunch of animals, including the horse, Casco. (WHINNY) Is this a singing role?
FN (HORSE): In "Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiida"? No, I have a cold. I'm coughing and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing------
GK: So you're not singing----
FN (HORSE): No, and my bladder is too weeeeeeeeeeeeak-----
GK: Your bladder is weak?
FN (HORSE): I can't be on stage too long, or I'll weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
GK: Not good.
FN (HORSE): No.
GK: How often do you have an accident on stage?
FN (HORSE): About once a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
GK: I suppose the other performers don't care for that?
FN (HORSE): No. But the audience loves it. I get a big hand. It's real weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.
GK: Okay. Well, good luck in the show.
FN (HORSE): Okay. Auf wieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedersehen
GK: The Radio City Christmas Show employs a bunch of animals: it has a camel, a horse, two donkeys and six sheep, working.
FN (SHEEP): Good to be baaaaaaaaaaaack at Radio City.
GK: How's the Christmas show going?
FN (SHEEP): Not baaaaaaaaaaaad. Got a nice baaaaaaaaaaand of angels.
GK: So what's your advice to other animals who want to get into show business?
FN (SHEEP): I'd say, Be yourself. If you're a sheep, be a sheep. Don't try to be a horse or a beaver or a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadger. Work from within yourself. Be confident. Get your name out there. Don't be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashful. And stay focused. A lot of sheep go astray and they wind up in dinner theater. As the entree.
GK: What's next for you after the Christmas show?
FN (SHEEP): I'm working on a one-sheep show called The Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacrificial Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam. It's about the sheep who Abrahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam killed instead of Isaac.
GK: Sounds kind of dark.
FN (SHEEP): It is dark, but it has a lot of humor, too. And it opens in Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanuary at the Belaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasco.
GK: Great. Good luck to you.
FN (SHEEP): Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.
© Garrison Keillor 2002