(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: I didn't eat that much for Thanksgiving, but it made me sleepy and I laid down for a nap and (SLEEP MUSIC)----there was a fireworks display (FIREWORKS) and a guy got up and gave a speech (TR JOWLY GIBBERISH) and then this woman walked in.
SS: Hi. Remember me?
GK: I don't think so. Why aren't you wearing any clothes?
SS: Oh! Am I naked? Oh. Silly me. Anyway--- I just came to give you these.
GK: Wow. A Pulitzer Prize, a Tony for Best Actor in a Musical,
and a Golden Glove award. Thanks. ---- Hey. Where'd she go?
(FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS THROUGH MUCK, GETS DEEPER.)
GK: Hello? Hello??? (OPEN DOOR. VICIOUS DOG BARKING, REVERB.) Sorry. (DOOR CLOSE) Hello? Are you in here? (BANG ON STEEL DOOR. RUSTY DOOR OPEN)
TR: Come in, have a seat, and take a number.
GK: I'm the, uh----
TR: I know who you are. You are number 2 4 5 6 8 2 4 6----
GK: I think this is a dream, right?
TR: The committee on dreams will look into that and let you know within 60 days.
GK: I think I just fell asleep.
TR: We'll investigate that and come to our own conclusions. Here's a banana.
GK: What do I want with a banana? (BAGPIPE) Hey, that's not a banana. --- What is that tunnel there with the hair inside it?
TR: That's your left nostril.
GK: My nostril?
TR: Yep.
GK: If we're looking down my nostril, then----
TR: Exactly. This is your brain here.
GK: You mean, I'm inside my own head?
TR: Yep. Feel free to have a look around.
GK: Wow. (JUNK, RUMMAGING) No wonder I'm not thinking clearly these days. Piles of junk around. (TR SINGS: You deserve a break today at McDonalds)
SS: What's your problem, big boy?
GK: My mind is full of junk, for one---- (SMALL DOG) And dogs. (FOG HORN) I keep forgetting things. Like where are we? (VOICE ON P.A., BOAT HORN) Why the fog? (TR SINGS: Double your pleasure, double your fun, with double good, double good, doublemint gum)
GK: Why are these dolphins (DOLPHINS) playing rap music? (RAP) I hate rap music. Where am I? (CHAINSAW) What's going on?
SS: You're in your unconscious and you're free-associating.
GK: Why are there billboards all over? Why is he here?
TR: Hey! You! (DOG WITH HIM, SNARLING)
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: Get busy! What are you doing sitting there with your mouth open? Huh? What's wrong with you? (DOG WOOFING)
GK: I'm trying, sir.
TR: TRYING? DID I HIRE YOU TO TRY? I DIDN'T ASK YOU ABOUT TRYING! I ASKED YOU A QUESTION! What's wrong with you? (DOG SNARLING)
GK: I don't know.
TR: (FADING) What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? What's your problem?
FN: Your old boss at the Amalgamated Federation of Organizations.
GK: I know.
FN: Twenty years ago.
GK: I know.
FN: Still comes in every week.
GK: I know. (BOILING OIL) He's got the boiling oil all ready. One of these days he's going to throw me in. (SFX: DARTH VADER BREATHING) Death---- in his black cloak. The crossbones. The chessboard. (BREATHING FADES)
TR (PSYCHIATRIST): What do you want from your brain, Mr. Wyler?
GK: Clarity. I want to see things clearly.
TR (PSYCHIATRIST): What do you mean by clarity exactly? Give me a number.
GK: I don't know. That's my problem. (SAXOPHONE) But not that. That much I know. Stop playing that saxophone.
FN (SAX): I'm not playing it ---- I am a saxophone. A talking saxophone---- Anglo Saxon. (MORE SAX)
GK: Get me out of here. This is too weird. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN.)
TR (VAMPIRE): Weird? Did you say weird? You don't like it to be weird? (EVIL LAUGH. DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN.)
FN (DENTIST): This won't hurt at all. I'm just going to drill your eyeball here.(DENTAL DRILL)
GK: Please. No. (DENTAL DRILL) Stop, stop---- (DENTAL DRILL STOPS)
FN (DENTIST): Am I hurting you?-----
GK: Goodbye. (DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. UNDERWATER SCUBA SFX.) It's Lloyd Bridges. And Jacques Cousteau. (DOOR CLOSE)
SS: Mr. Wyler----
GK: A lady in leather.
SS: You still owe a term paper for your sophomore history course in Constitutional Law---- Paul Murphy's course.
GK: That was forty years ago.
SS: About time you finish it. The others only got four weeks. Is that fair? (WHIPS) (GK REACTIONS)
TR: Three of your ex-girlfriends are here, waiting. I'll bring them in. (LIONS SNARLING) Oh, here they are now. (LIONS SNARLING)
GK: No, please. No. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR SLAM) (GK BREATHING HARD) (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Anybody in here? (DOOR OPEN. LION SNARLS. DOOR SLAM.) Where am I? (FOOTSTEPS FAST, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE.) Down this way. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Yeah---- Huh? Yeah, he's right here. ---- Yeah, he just walked up.---- Yeah, it's him. I'd know him anywhere. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's what I think. ----Oh, I doubt it. ---- No, I don't think so. Naw, forget it. Excuse me---- (TO G.K.) What do you want?
GK: Can you give me directions?
TR: Yeah. Get out of here. (SLAM DOOR)
(CHICKENS RUN PAST WITH TR SWEDISH CHASING AFTER THEM)
GK: Dad.
TR: SWEDISH
GK: I'm doing the best I can, daddy.
TR: SWEDISH
GK: I know I've been bad, but I've done some good things too.
TR: SWEDISH
GK: Well, what do you want me to do? Go throw myself over a cliff?
TR: SWEDISH
GK: I can't believe you said that. (FOOTSTEPS) ---- Music room---- (DOOR OPEN) What's this? (FN SINGS: The wheels on the bus go round and round. Round and round. Round and round. SS SINGS OVERLAP: Minnesota hats off to thee, to your colors true we shall ever be. TR SINGS OVERLAP: O say can you see by the dawn's early light. SS SINGS OVERLAP: Rum tum rum tum rum tum rum tum tum tum. FN SINGS OVERLAP: Just a whiter shade of pale--TR SINGS OVERLAP: B I n g o b I n g o B I n g o Bingo was his name. SS OVERLAP: I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine. TR OVERLAP: Gimme a hunkahunkahunka burnin love FN OVERLAP: People. People who need people. TR: It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all. It's a small small world. SS OVERLAP: Northwest Orient--.airlines. TR: Daisy daisy give me your answer do, I'm half crazy----FN: Silver bells, silver bells, it's Christmas time in the city.) (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: I've got to get out of here. (HORSE HOOVES, AND STOP) Could you give me a ride?
FN (HORSE): No. I've got a cold. I'm coughing and wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing------
GK: Sorry.
FN (HORSE): And my bladder is awfully weeeeeeeeeeeeak-----
GK: Your bladder is weak?
FN (HORSE): I've got to weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
GK: Okay. Good luck.
FN (HORSE): Okay. Auf wieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedersehen. (GALLOPS AWAY)
(FOOTSTEPS. STOP. WHIRRING OF COPY MACHINE)
GK: Hey, somebody left this copier on. (WHIRR AND IT STARTS PRINTING COPIES) What is this? It's a note. It says: "Time is running out. We're watching you." I don't understand. (DARTH VADER BREATHING) Oh go away. And stop waving that sickle around, you're going to hurt someone. (GOOSE HONK. SICKLE SWISH. HEAD LOPPED OFF) See what you did? That was the golden goose----
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR: Hey! You! (DOG WITH HIM, SNARLING)
GK: I'm working, sir.
TR: You're sitting there with your mouth open? Huh? What's wrong with you? (DOG WOOFING)
GK: I'm thinking, sir. I'm trying to think.
TR: Think about what???
GK: You interrupted me.
TR: Well, get busy. (DOG SNARLING) Otherwise--- you see that cauldron of boiling oil? (BOILING OIL BUBBLING) You see that? You know what happened to the others?
GK: Please. No. Don't-----
TR: (FADING) What's your problem? It's about time you shaped up----
GK: No---- no----- don't bring in my old girlfriends (LION ROAR)---- please----- no----- no-------- (LION ROAR)
SS: What's wrong?
GK: What do you mean?
SS: You were yelling in your sleep.
GK: What did I say?
SS: Nothing that made sense. You just shrieked a few times and whimpered.
GK: Oh.
SS: Are you all right?
GK: Yes, of course. What is that accordionist doing sitting at the foot of the bed in black?
SS: What accordionist?
GK: And those potted palms? And the lady with the castanets?
SS: Would you like to do a tango?
GK: Is this a dream?
SS: How would we know?
(MUSIC)
© Garrison Keillor 2002