(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; RD: Richard Dworsky)
GK: ....brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
SS: These are the good years for me and Jim. The kids didn't come home for Thanksgiving --- their therapists thought it wasn't a good idea and they're both terrified to fly as a result of unpleasant drug experiences. So we were free to use the out-of-court settlement we won from Coca-Cola for causing the tooth decay that cost me a few teeth that affected my smile and destroyed my chances for Hollywood stardom ---- we used the money to spend Thanksgiving in New York City.
TR: Nice hotel room, Barb. Right on the air-shaft-----
SS: It's called a courtyard, Jim.
TR: Those garbage cans down there --- that is a courtyard?
SS: This is a courtyard room, Jim. And it has a Parisian view.
TR: Rooftops? Chimneys?
SS: It's called a Parisian view. And it has courtyard access. That's why it costs $1000 a night. Not including $200 in city room tax.
TR: Fine. I don't care. Only thing that bothers me is the pay toilet. Fifty cents per flush----- (HE SHRUGS)
SS: It's Mayor Bloomberg's Pay As You Go system, Jim. New York City is in the midst of a fiscal crisis and all of us have to do our part.
TR: Too bad the city can't get a share of Rudy Giuliani's book royalties.
SS: So what do you want to do, Jim? Go to a show? Go out to dinner?
TR: A show is kind of expensive, isn't it?
SS: Honey, it's Coca-Cola's money, not ours. Let's live it up.
TR: I know, but --- spending money is so stressful. How about we go see something restful --- "Our Town" is on Broadway, you know----
SS: Jim. We're in New York. I didn't come here to hear about Grovers Corners, for heaven's sake. We saw the kids' high school production. Let's go blow a wad on dinner and a big show where a chorus line dances with their hands up over their heads.
TR: Okay, but do you mind if I bring a bottle of ketchup to dinner, Barb?
SS: You mean, Kaopectate?
TR: No. Ketchup. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help
a person forget about the cost of things and enjoy themselves.
RD (SINGS): These are the good years, say Kierkegaard and Hegel.
Life filled with goodness, all the goods we can finagle. Life is flowing,
like ketchup on a bagel.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD (SINGS): Ketchup...ketchup...ketchup.
© Garrison Keillor 2002