(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; ST: Studs Terkel)
GK: Let's talk about garbage for a moment, folks. I know you folks
recycle, but what about all of those coffee grounds you throw away every
day (SCHWOPP) and the uneaten yoghurt (PLOPPPPP) and the three inedible
fruitcakes you'll get for Christmas (THREE SPLATS) not to mention the
buckets of cold mashed potatoes (SCHLOP) and the yams (SCHLAP) and the
turkey carcass (CRUNCHING) and cranberry sauce---- why do you make so
much? Nobody eats this stuff ---- (BIG TORRENT OF GLOP) ----- so you're
going to throw it into a non
-biodegradable plastic bag and it will sit there for the next millennium.
Isn't there a better way? (GLISS) Yes. It's called ----
TR: THE PRESS.
GK: The Press is a stainless steel garbage processor the size of your stove. You dump all your garbage in there, everything (GLOPS AND CRUNCHES AND GLASS AND JUNK), degradable and non-degradable, paper and plastic, glass, cranberries, fruitcakes, and there it's decomposed quickly by an industrial-strength bacteria and it's compacted and baked to make---- (CHORD)
SS: A brick. An adobe brick.
GK: No more sorting things into nine different shopping bags in your back porch. All of your garbage, your flotsam and jetsam, old books, old car batteries, fruitcakes, wrappers, empty bottles, cranberry sauce, all reduced to make a useful object: a brick.
SS: Now we can build that patio that we always dreamed of.
GK: Ask for it by name:
TR: THE PRESS.
SS: Are these adobe bricks durable? Will they last for years and years?
GK: Highly educated people with wire-rim glasses and wearing crisp white lab coats say: So far, so good.
SS: And is The Press perfectly harmless?
GK: No, the industrial-strength bacteria that decomposes garbage can also make you smaller as well.
TR (TIGHT SMALL VOICE): You should never never never try to clean The Press yourself.
GK: There's no better way to deal with garbage. In goes trash (FLOW OF TRASH) and in just a day, out comes--..
SS: A brick. An adobe brick.
TR: THE PRESS.
GK: Solid. ( BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2002