(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
SS: THE FAMILY CLASSICS THEATERffpresents THE ODYSSEY OF ULYSSES. (RUMBLE OF MEN'S VOICES)
TR: So---- Ulysses. Good war. Heck of a war. Sure appreciate you leaving Penelope and everything and coming out here to kill these cheatin lyin filthy no-good Trojans.
GK: Well, you're sure welcome, Agamemnon. Anytime.
TR: You heading straight back to Ithaca or you taking some time for yourself?
GK: What do you mean?
TR: Well--- heh heh heh heh ---- one man to another --- I know where you can find some babalicious sirens ---- whoa! There are some honies out there. And lotus --- you ever eat lotus? I know where you can find some terrific lotus.
GK: I'll probably head straight home. She's been waiting ten years.
TR: You sure you know the way?
GK: Sure.
TR: Okay. Here--- just in case you meet some sirens.
GK: Condoms?
TR: Trojans.
GK: Okay---- PUSH OFF! (SAILORS REPEAT, HUBBUB, STRAIN OF ROPES, SAILS) --- raise the main sail! (REPEAT, HUBBUB, RIGGING) Raise the anchor! (CAPSTAN) (MUSIC)
TK (OFF): Which way, Captain?
GK: Gosh. All those islands ---- it's so hard to know---
Can't show uncertainty in front of the men, though.
Speak, O Muse of directions, show me the swiftest route
Across this darkening sea to the safe harbor of my home
And the arms of my beloved Penelope. (FANFARE)
(WIND, RIGGING)
GK: I have a feeling we're being blown off-course.
TR: It's the gods, sir. They're angry about what we did to the Trojans. And they're blowing us toward the land of the sirens.
SS (OFF, MEGAPHONE): Hey big boy---- want to play around?
GK: Play a round---- she takes me for a golfer----
SS (OFF): I can't give you anything but love---- baby----
That's the only thing I've plenty of----- baby----
GK: Better tie me to the mast, helmsman. (TYING PROCEDURE) And tell the men to put wax in their ears.
TR: Aye, aye, Ulysses. (POPS OF WAX IN EARS)
GK: And you kids listening to the show, you don't listen either, okay? (SILENCE) Good. That's better. Nice looking women, sirens. Maybe I should go ashore and see if they need anything fixed. Hey--- let me go---- untie me---- (STRAINING) (MUSIC BRIDGE)
TR (NARRATOR): And they cruised past the sirens and sailed on, toward Ithaca. But then Ulysses and his ship met up with a powerful whirlpool (WHIRLPOOL, SUCKING AND SWIRLING) that threw the ship to the west and a thunderstorm (THUNDERBOLT) knocked out the compass and a fierce wind came up (WIND) and it blew them into the land of the lotus eaters. (SURF, GULLS)
SS: Hey, how about some lotus?
GK: I'm not into lotus, thanks.
SS: This is really great lotus.
GK: I read an article somewhere that said that when you eat lotus, it takes away your ambition.
SS: That's only if you get a bad batch.
GK: But all these people sitting around looking at their navels ----
SS: It's the lotus position. Try some.
GK: There are children listening. I'm not going to do lotus in front of children. Back to the ships, men! Onward! To Ithaca! (BITTER GRUMBLING)--- (BRIDGE)
SS: And so Ulysses sailed on, and came to the land of the Cyclops.
(TR & TK CYCLOPS)
GK: Have you guys ever seen an opthalmalogist? I'll bet there's something they could do for that. (CYCLOPS GRUNTS) And the eye wouldn't be so bad if you'd do something about your hair--- it's all greasy and hanging down---- (CYCLOPS) By the way, are you a Cyclop or a Cyclops? (CYCLOPS GRUNT) You know? Just wondering if the plural is Cyclops or Cyclopses? (CYCLOPS ROAR) Okay, okay--- (CYCLOPS ROAR) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Boy, for a guy with no depth perception, you run pretty fast---- Whewff.Made it into the cave. A cave full of sheep. (SHEEP) Not a great smelling cave, but----we'll hide in here, men, and make our escape in the morning---
TR: Sir? The men are restless. (BITTER GRUMBLING) We've been away from home for many years.
GK: Well, tell me about it. It's been a long trip for me too.
TR: We keep stopping, sir.
GK: I know.
TR: Why all these detours? Are you lost?
GK: Look out, Sailor. (MONSTER ROAR) That Cyclops, or Cyclop, is reaching his big hairy hand in the cave, trying to grab us. (MONSTER) Steady, men.
TR: What are you doing with that sharp stick, sir?
GK: I'm going to poke out his eyeball----
TR: But---- there are children listening ---- it's the dinner hour, sir. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
GK: KIDS---- I'M GOING TO GOUGE AN EYEBALL NOW, SO I WANT YOU TO LEAVE THE ROOM UNTIL IT'S OVER WITH, OKAY? IT'S PRETTY GROSS. A LOT OF BODILY FLUIDS AND BLOOD AND PUS AND SO FORTH, SORT OF LIKE KETCHUP AND MINT JELLY AND CHEESE SAUCE ALL TOGETHER, AND THE POPPING SOUND WHEN I PULL IT OUT AND OF COURSE THE HORRIBLE SHRIEKS OF UNBEARABLE PAIN. SO PLEASE LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE WE DO THIS. AND YOU PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE, PUT YOUR HEADS DOWN BETWEEN YOUR KNEES AND TAKE DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS.
TR: This is going to be messy, isn't it, sir.
GK: Maybe you should stand to the side----let me see, I want to gouge from the front so I get the iris--- (MONSTER GRUNTING) boy, that is one big eyeball---- all green around the edge and mucous and pus and stuff ---- I think this Cyclops, or cyclop, has been under the weather lately ----- you men all set to run for the ships? Good. Okay. One. Two. Three. (GK EFFORT, HUGE CREAMY GOUGING SOUND AND THEN WITHDRAW, WITH FLOW OF PUS) (MONSTER ROAR) Let's go! To the ships! (MEN: TO THE SHIPS!) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (FANFARE)
TR: And they found their way back to the ship, and made it home to Ithaca. Home to Penelope.
GK: (FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL) Twenty years. House looks about the same. Crabgrass kinda got away from me, there, I see. Paint's peeling. Shutters look like they could use some more paint. (DOOR KNOCK). Ahhh. Finally home. (DOOR OPEN)
SS: Yes?
GK: You don't know me?
SS: Are you here collecting for something? (DOG WOOFS, DOG GREETING)
GK: Hello, Argus, good boy. (DOG LICKING)
SS: Ulysses?
GK: Hi, Penelope---
SS: You're back.
GK: I am.
SS: Did you remember to get milk?
GK: I didn't. Sorry.
SS: Oh, well. How was the trip?
GK: Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
SS: You have blood and gore all over your shirt. Have you been hacking and pillaging?
GK: Just enough to cover expenses.
SS: You hungry?
GK: Nah..
SS: What do you say we head upstairs? You can tell me about your trip.
GK: Well, it's quite a saga.
SS: I've got plenty of time. Handsome. (FANFARE)
TR: THE FAMILY CLASSICS THEATER has presentedf..THE ODYSSEY OF ULYSSES. (DOG BARK)
GK: You stay down here and guard the place, boy. We'll be back in an hour or so. Go chase a goat. (DOOR CLOSE)
(FANFARE)
© Garrison Keillor 2002