(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(THREE BIG CHORDS)
GK: I've been working on a new collage --- using an old green tackle box, putting things in the little compartments inside. A little prom ball. A Lazy Ike. Stamps from Mexico. Paper umbrellas. A harmonica. The word "insouciant" in lipstick on a cocktail napkin. Graduation pictures from the 50s. I call it "Viscosity of the Heart." There is such tremendous energy that comes from these juxtapositions, a sort of emotional interplay. It's one of the best things I've ever done. I think. I showed it to Mrs. Chumley, and she said, "Oh. Where'd you get that?" As if someone in Hubbard Falls couldn't produce a work of art. It's so discouraging.
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents....The Story of Bob, A Young Artist....starring Carson Wyler as Bob, and written by Sara Bellum.
(DISHES BEING CLEARED FROM THE TABLE)
SS: Finish up that salmon loaf, Bob----
GK: I'm trying to watch my waistline, Berniece.
TR: Gonna need an extra-wide lens for that.
GK: Didn't ask you, did I.
TR: Sure is good salmon loaf. (BIG SCOOP OF VISCOUS FOOD AND PLOP ON PLATE) Climb up here, Rex, and dig in. (DOG PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR, FOOT TAPPING ON FLOOR)
GK: Would you please not let the dog eat off your plate?
TR: Dig in, Rex. Never mind Old Baggy Pants, there. (DOG SNARFS UP POTATOES)
SS: What are you doing there, Bob? All those newspaper clippings.
GK: It's disgusting----(DOG EATING MORE, GULPING)
SS: What are you working on, Bob?
GK: I'm working on a press kit, Berneice.
TR: What you doing with all those dopey pictures?
GK: I choose not to dignify that with a response.
TR: Debutantes, my foot. Looks like you.
GK: It's for publicity.
TR: Misty?! Not misty enough if you ask me.
SS: I guess Pops' hearing aid is on the fritz again.
TR: Sure, I'll have some grits again. Didn't know you were cooking
any,
Berniece.
SS: Why, here's a nice review Mrs. Chumley wrote about you back in 1989. "Bob is one of our best artists here in Hubbard Falls." Isn't that nice?
GK: "One of the best artists" ---- "One of" ----- not exactly a twenty-one gun salute, now, is it. Especially when you're talking about Hubbard Falls. "One of"----- (MUSIC BRIDGE)
SS: Oh. Bob! Thanks for coming over.
GK: Hi. Mrs. Chumley----
SS: I spoke to Mr. Scheidenhorst at the Mortuary, and he's looking for a nice big painting and I thought about you----
GK: Well, I'm not a painter-----
SS: He wants an inspirational work of art for his funeral chapel ---- to sort of symbolize heaven but without offending the Unitarians.
GK: Well, I'm sorry but----
SS: He'd like a painting of Hubbard Falls at sunset, seen from a distance, and sort of golden and shining ---- He'd pay $1000 -----
GK: Oh.
SS: Half in advance, half on delivery.
GK: And he'd like it sort of golden and shining?
SS: Yes.
GK: When would he want it?
SS: How about next Tuesday?
GK: Sure, I could do that. (MUSIC) ---- And the moment I left Mrs. Chumley, I felt so ashamed of myself. What a weasel. To give up my standards, my ideals, just to pick up a thousand bucks to paint some piece of trash. I'm a collage artist---- And just then, as I stepped into the Hubbard Cafe (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, CAFE AMBIENCE) --- who should I see but my bitter rival and deadly enemy, David Sweezo.
TR: Hi, Bob. Sit down. Take a load off.
GK: (TO HIMSELF) "Take a load off." I've got to lose weight.
TR: So what you been up to lately, Bobster?
GK: I've been busy.
TR: Me, too. I've been frantic, trying to get my New York show together. This babe called me up out of the blue, said she'd seen my work, wanted to meet me for a drink and --- you know ---- heh heh heh --- she didn't say it in so many words but I could tell ---- I was too busy even to go meet her! Can you believe it?? I mean, art ---- it's a magnet for babes, right, Bobarooney?
GK: Right. Where's your New York show?
TR: New York.
GK: Oh. You mean the city---
TR: Right. What'd you think I meant? Schenectady?? Ha ha ha ha ha.
GK: Your show in a gallery?
TR: Of course. What'd you think? I was gonna sell em on the sidewalk???
GK: Which gallery?
TR: It's called There.
GK: There.
TR: Right.
GK: When?
TR: Next week.
GK: One-man show?
TR: Of course.
GK: What's it called?
TR: "The Resonance of Shadow."
GK: Oh. Nice.
TR: It already got a rave review in Collage News.
GK: Even before it opened?
TR: They got excited. Here---- read it for yourself----
GK: "With ravenous urgency, Sweezo uses duct tape and plastic wrappers to deliver stunning interactive metaphors of life experiences, slipping fluidly between abstraction and representation." Well. Sounds interesting.
TR: Want to come to the opening?
GK: When?
TR: Monday night.
GK: Sure.
TR: You wouldn't mind helping, would you? Take people's coats----
serve drinks-----
GK: You mean next Monday?
TR: Right.
GK: I can't. I'm meeting my agent.
TR: What agent?
GK: An agent. I've had her for years. I need to meet her Monday night.
TR: You don't have any agent. What's her name?
GK: Colleen----
TR: Colleen!!! Ha! Colleen who???
GK: Colleen Callahan.
TR: Ha!!!! You're making it up!!! Where does she live?
GK: New York.
TR: Ha! You don't have a New York agent!
GK: Do so.
TR: Do not.
GK: Do so.
TR: You don't either.
GK: I do.
TR: Liar.
GK: It's the truth.
TR: You don't either.
GK: I do.
TR: Do not.
GK: Do too.
TR: Don't.
GK: Do. (FAST SERIES OF EXCHANGES, INTO MUSIC BRIDGE) So I called up
the one person I know in New York, a girl named Charlene Dubrovny, the
daughter of a friend of Berneice's, who I had met once and who was very
nice, and I left a message on her machine. Charlene, listen, it's Bob,
the artist, in Hubbard Fallsf..we met at Berneice's house, remember?
Where the disgusting old man lives? I'm the other one. Listen. I need
a huge huge favorf..could you pretend to be an art agent named
Colleen Callahanffand print up some business cards? Please?
It would really mean a lot to me. (MUSIC BRIDGE) I hung up and then I
realized I had taken the gum out of my mouth and smooshed it onto a piece
of paper and suddenly I had one of those large moments. Gum. Pink gum.
How many artists have worked in gum? It's workable. You can mold it. It
dries hard. It could be painted. (CHOMPING OF GUM) I chewed about twenty
pieces and stuck them on a gold picture frame. In different shapes. I
stuck little action figures in it. Paper umbrellas. I called it Holding
Pattern. I think I have something. I think this may be the next new thing.
(REVERB)
SS: And the MacArthur Genius Award for Collage ---- in recognition of his ravenous urgency and his stunning interactive metaphors --- the prize of $6 million --- goes to----- Bob! (CROWD ROAR) For "Holding Pattern"! (BIG CROWD ROAR)
GK: Thank you. Thank you very much. Six million dollars. Now I can afford to purchase a one-bedroom apartment in Manhattan and find recognition as an artist.
(PAUSE)
SS: (BERNEICE) Bob? Bob, what's wrong? How come you're talking to yourself?
GK: Nothing, Berneice. Just thinking out loud---(THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST....was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002