(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)
(FANFARE OF MOUTH TRUMPETS)
SS: And now----Crunchy Sweet Morsels--..brings you THE FAMILY SHAKESPEARE--..the great classics ----- re-interpreted for the whole family ----- today: Hamlet (TK REPEATING SERIES, FADING: Hamlet! Hamlet! Hamlet! Hamlet! ETC)
(FANFARE)
GK: One night, after I'd had a big dinner around 9, which is really too late for me to be eating, I had a terrible dream, in which I saw my father, who passed away several years ago, and he said that my stepfather Claudius had killed him so he could marry my mother.
TR: (REVERB) He poured stuff in my ear. Claudius did. Boy, it hurt like heck. You ever have poison poured in your ear? It's a bummer. Killed me, and then he married Trish.
GK: This is so upsetting to me. I can't tell you. I don't know what to think.
TR: Well, think how I felt when he was pouring poison in my ear.
GK: I don't know why you tell me this. Everything was going so well for me----
TR: Claudius is rotten, Hamlet. He's a creep. Killed me and took my wife. Avenge me, Hamlet.
GK: Avenge you? What is that supposed to mean?
TR: Go pour something in his ear, see how he likes it.
GK: I can't do that.
TR: Then shoot him or something.
GK: How about if I call up a lawyer and maybe we could file a lawsuit for emotional endangerment or something?
TR: Don't be a wimp, Hamlet. (MOANING, WAILING, OFF, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Are you sure it wasn't just an ear infection? There's a lot of that going around.
TR: (MOANING, FADES. FOOTSTEPS, WIND.)
(FANFARE)
GK: It was such a shock to think that my dad might have been killed by Claudius. Claudius and I were always sort of close.
TK (JOWLY GIBBERISH)
GK: We played ping-pong together. (PING PONG MATCH, TK JOWLY REACTIONS) I just didn't know where to go with the idea that he might have stuck something in my dad's ear. I was really upset about it. I cancelled my school plans. Thank goodness I had Horatio to talk to. What a pal. My mom wasn't a big help.
SS: You seem so down, Hamlet. We're having guests for dinner. Please. Lighten up.
GK: Mother, tell me the truth about Dad and how he died. (STING)
SS: (GASPS) The truth!!! What do you mean by that? He died of an ear problem. What ---- you think there was some PLOT? That your uncle murdered your father by pouring rat poison into his left ear and that I married him, a guy who whacked my own husband? What sort of mother do you take me for?
GK: Guess you answered that question. (PIANO) It was so discouraging. My dad killed by my uncle, by a poisonotomy via the auditory canal. And my girlfriend Ophelia, she wasn't much help.
SS (OPH): LUNATIC SINGING
GK: She was not having one of her good days.
TR (POLONIUS): To thine own self be true, Hamlet.
GK: And her dad going around spouting off mottoes. And me, trying to learn the tuba. (OOMPAH, OOMPAH) Tuba or not tuba. That's the question.
SS (OPH): Guess I'll just throw myself into the river or something.
GK: Oh, go to a nunnery, would you.
SS: Whatever.
(FANFARE)
GK: Guess what, Mom, these actor friends of mine who just happened to be passing through town are going to put on a play entitled "The Guy Who Murdered His Brother And Married His Brother's Wife."
TK: (CLAUDIUS) (SPUTTERING)
GK: Something wrong, Uncle Claudius?
(FANFARE)
SS: You really could use some down time, Hamlet. You're under so much stress right now----
GK: Well, DUH. Wouldn't you be? If your uncle poured stuff in your dad's ear and then your mother married him? Wouldn't you be a little tiny bit off your feed if that happened to you? I mean, empathize.
SS: Listen. Hamlet. You have to be true to yourself.
GK: People keep telling me that. But what does it mean?
SS: It means different things to different people.
GK: Well, that's a big help. Moral relativism is not what I need right now. I need direction. Guidance. A role model. I need a sense of certainty.
TR: (MINNESOTA) Hi there. I'm Pastor Nielsen from over at the Elsinore Zion Lutheran Church up the road a ways. Yeah. We were kind of hoping to see you after you came for Yorick's funeral, but maybe you forgot where we are. You go through Birnam Wood, up to Northumberland Road---- don't turn there, just keep going straight, past Dunsinane there ---- keep going, and past Verona ---- and the grotto with the crypt ---- turn left and we're right there, Elsinore Zion Lutheran.
GK: Pastor Nielsen, I had a dream in which my father told me that somebody poured poison in his ear.
TR: You know, I've had dreams like that myself. Usually after I drink coffee too late at night. It'll back up on you. Listen, you come over and see us, and--- you ever coach girls' basketball?
GK: No.
TR: We got a girls' basketball team that needs a coach, Mr. Hamlet. That'll keep your mind off things. You got the directions----
GK: So you don't think I should avenge my dad ---- go after Claudius ----- you know ---- go the whole swordfight and poisoned wine in the goblet route -----
TR: Listen. There's a whole new thing going on here called the Reformation. Everybody around here is getting behind it and it's gonna get bigger and bigger and what it means is that your whole aristocracy ---- which, I don't mean to put anybody down, but face it, it's really medieval ----- all your duels and your goblets and your ghosts on the battlements and curses and witches and all that ---- it's gone. It's over. And what's coming in is the fellowship hour and church suppers and girls' basketball.
GK: But this dream I had----
TR: Forget it. Marry Ophelia and settle down and have kids and bring em to church and coach girls' basketball.
GK: But---- I sort of like tragedy-----it gives a sort of nobility to life, the sword fighting and the death speeches and all of that---- it's emotionally fulfilling-----
TR: Listen. Take it from me. You can get all the tragedy you want just getting your kids off to school in the morning. (MUSIC)
SS (NARRATING): And so Hamlet and Ophelia married and had children and indeed life was tragic and filled with dark passion ----
GK: Get your coat on! The bus is coming in five minutes! What do I have to do?
TR (TEEN): I hate you! Just don't talk to me. You don't know anything.
SS: Go! Get out of here! You heard your father.
TR (TEEN): But, I need lunch money!
GK: Give him five dollars for heaven's sake!
SS: Don't raise your voice to me!
GK: I was just being emphatic.
TR (TEEN): You are so pathetic! Both of you!
SS (TEEN): I'm not going to school in these stupid clothes!
GK: You kids are driving me nuts! The thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, okay, but this is ridiculous!
SS (GIRL): I hate school! I hate you! I wish I was never born into this ridiculous family! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
GK: Oh just shut up and go away.
TR (TEEN): You're crazy and evil, is what you are! (SLAMMING OF DOORS, HUFFING, OTHER COMMOTION CONTINUES, UNDER--.)
GK: How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world.
SS (GIRL): Daddy, he has a sword!
(TR AND GK IN SWORDFIGHT)
GK: You're going to get your coat on and get on that bus or else!
TR (TEEN): I'm sick of you bossing me around!
GK: Boy, talk about the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune---- Go to school!
TR (TEEN): Yeah, right. Make me!
GK: I will. (SWORDFIGHT FADES UNDER--..)
SS: THE FAMILY SHAKESPEARE--.. sponsored by Crunchy Sweet Morsels--..has brought you this re-interpretation of ------ Hamlet! (TK REPEATING SERIES, FADING: Hamlet! Hamlet! Hamlet! Hamlet!) (FANFARE)
© Garrison Keillor 2002