(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)

TR: My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that earlier today, the Oklahoma Sooners defeated the Texas Longhorns ______________ at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas. I believe it's terribly important that evil-doers not be rewarded for their evil-doin. And that is why I am asking the Congress to declare Texas National Collegiate Football Champions. And I am asking all Americans to just shut up and go think about something else for a change. And when former President Jimmy Carter goes over to Oslo to accept the Noble Peanuts Prize, I wish he'd just stay there. Thank you very much.

© Garrison Keillor 2002