(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; TK: Tom Keith)

GK:....back right after this message from the National Rifle Association. (MUSIC)

SS: Here at the public library, we sometimes have to deal with people who are upset about overdue notices and I just feel a little better with my Smith and Wesson .44 magnum in my desk drawer, that's all. Shhhhh.


GK: People you'd never guess were gun owners. People you see every day.

TR: I've worked at Starbucks for a year and never been physically threatened yet, but I just feel safer with Mr. Samuel Colt here in my apron pocket. I like to use the barrel to stir in the mocha. People get real quiet, real fast.

SS: I teach ballet and when we come to October and it's time to announce which of our little pupils will be in "The Nutcracker" and which ones will be ushering, things get a little tense with the pupils' mothers who sometimes have a distorted view of their children's talent, and somehow it calms them down to see this big bulge in the waistband of my leotard.

GK: The Second Amendment applies to everybody, kindergarten teachers, symphony violinists, even soccer moms.

SS: I love soccer except for the stupid parents who scream at the ref and just the other day he called Megan for tripping ---- she wasn't anywhere near the other girl ---- and she was upset about it and that's when I got my little friend here. (CLICK OF HAMMER, SPIN)
TR: I'm a minister of the gospel and I want to be available to people but you do get some oddballs coming in for counseling, and when a stranger walks in, I always stand up to shake hands and make sure they see the shoulder holster. Some of them, that's all the counseling they need.

GK: A message from the National Rifle Association, protecting your right to own rifles (SFX), pistols (SFX), bow and arrow (SFX), bazookas (SFX), mortars (SFX), rocket launchers (SFX), guided missiles (SFX), Stealth bombers (SILENCE), and cauldrons of boiling oil (POURING, SCREAM).

© Garrison Keillor 2002