(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newmann)
GK: This weekend is Father's Day and on behalf of American dads, I just want to say this. We don't need a gift from you kids, just having you is gift enough for us. (SENTIMENTAL MUSIC BUILDS) Mother's Day is really the day for gifts, and that's as it should be. Your mother raised you. She was the one who went through the misery of pregnancy and the pains of childbirth. Mom was the one who was always there for you. But Dads? Ha. We were just a shadow, a voice from the next room. We were just that old embarrassing guy you didn't want your friends to meet. The guy who hummed to himself and wore the silly T-shirt and who was full of dumb opinions. The guy who worked his tail off to put food on the table and buy you clothes and send you to summer camp and give you Christmas. The guy who's loved you all these years without ever being able to say it. The guy who gets teary-eyed just thinking about you. We don't need a gift for Father's Day. We just need ---- you.
SS: You don't want a billfold? Yours is ripped and it has white mold on it and the little cowboy is worn off of it. Don't you want a new one?
GK: Don't need a new one.
SS: How about a new cologne? Yours isn't working for you anymore. You smell like that stuff they spray in gas station toilets.
GK: Don't need a new cologne.
SS: How about a new Beatles CD? Yours is worn out. Especially the one with "Yesterday" on it. And how about a DiscMan so you can listen to it on headphones and we don't have to hear it?
GK: Don't need a CD.
SS: How about a nice shirt? One that's actually in your size? Your shirts are too small. You ever notice that you're popping your buttons? How about a new one?
GK: Don't need a shirt.
SS: What do you want for Father's Day then?
GK: Don't want anything. I just want you.
SS: What are you saying? That I'm nothing? Is that what you've been telling me all my life? Is that why I have so little sense of self esteem and why I can't form lasting emotional relationships with other people and you want to know why? It's because I grew up in the household of a passive aggressive, emotionally distant father!!! That's why!!!! (SHE SOBS)
GK: Well, okay. A shirt then.
SS: (SNIFFS) You want solid or striped or plaid?
GK: Solid.
SS: What color?
GK: White.
SS: Long sleeve or short?
GK: Long.
SS: Okay.
GK: Or what about lilac? You think lilac would look good on me?
SS: No. Have a nice Father's Day.
GK: Sure. Whatever.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002