(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)
GK: ...... brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. (ELECTRONIC CLOCK ALARM. FN ELECTRONIC VOICE: Good morning, it is 7 a.m. and the temperature is 72 degrees.)
GK: Time to get up. You have a meeting in Burbank at noon. Global Conquest Studios wants to make a movie based on a story you told at a party a couple months ago. (TR YAWN) You get out your ultrasonic toothbrush (ELECTRONIC WHIRR) with the automatic flosser (SFX) and you step into the shower (SHOWER) where the aroma-showerhead puts saffron into the water and you enjoy your wonderful Tibetan soap made with yak butter (TR TENOR) and you step into your dryer which gently tumbles you dry (TR JIGGLING, CHUCKLING. SFX MUFFLED BUMPING) leaving you all warm and happy and you go to the kitchen where your Italian espresso machine starts up (STEAM HISSING), and you download the morning paper (COMPUTER) and read it and check your stock portfolio (TR: Up. Great.) and your beautiful wife kisses you goodbye (SS: Bye. Hurry home, handsome.) and your beautiful children (FN BOY: Bye Daddy. SS GIRL: I love you, daddy.) and you get behind the wheel of your BMW (CAR ENGINE), and head down the Santa Monica freeway. Lots of time to get to Burbank, have the meeting, sign the contract, get the check, go home, tell the wife that the two of you are going to Paris for a week (CAR RACING) and the freeway is wide open, free and clear, and you're sailing, sailing (TR TENOR) ---- and then (BRAKES) ---- there's a solid wall of cars ahead. (HORNS HONKING) And now (TR FRUSTRATION) you're a block of ice in the glacier and --- slowly, slowly, you move forward (TICKING CLOCK), inch by inch, foot by foot, people are whizzing past on motor scooters (SCOOTERS PASSING, FAST) and Harleys (CYCLE PASSING) and far up ahead, you can see a produce truck has tipped over and people are chasing hundreds of mangoes rolling over all five lanes of the freeway.
Suddenly you smell something burning. (SNIFFS) It's a brush fire! (CRACKLING FIRE) Your car is encircled in flames... a herd of wild horses gallops across the road (HOOVES) and several camels (CAMELS) and a hippo (HIPPO) and giraffes (HOOVES) and now (LIGHTNING/ THUNDER)... a heavy rainstorm, water pours down (RAIN) in sheets and as you inch along, the hill starts to move, it's a mudslide (WET MUD) that sweeps your car off the road (TR ALARM) and into a canyon (METAL TWISTING, CRUNCHING) and the car winds up on its roof against an oak tree and you hang suspended from your seat belt (TR UPSIDE DOWN, DISCOMFORT) and now (SHAKING) --- what is this? It can't be. It's an earthquake. (SHAKING, ROCKS HITTING CAR) and you're going to be buried under rock and suddenly your whole life flashes before your eyes... and you see that guy who was flirting with your wife at the party (FN: Hey, babes. Nice medallion. Mind if I have a look at it? ) --- you're going to die and your wife is going to marry that guy and he'll take over your house and bring up your kids (TR ANGUISH) and now you remember ---- (TR: My cellphone!) you have a cellphone ---- (TR: I'll call 911!) so you do (CELLPHONE DIAL) (FN: (PHONE SYSTEM VOICE) Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are busy with other emergency service consumers right now. If you'd like to leave a message, press ONE. If you'd like to speak to a chaplain, press TWO. You have pressed TWO. For a rabbi, press ONE. For a priest, press TWO. Rastafarian, press THREE. Buddhist, press FOUR. To speak to our mystic, Starflower Moonbright, press FIVE.) And you're about to press Five and you feel something rubbing against your thigh. It's between you and your pants. Could it be? (RATTLE, HISS) Yes, it is. (BEAT) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? (RHUBARB THEME) Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a slice of rhubarb pie
Serve it up, warm and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
TRIO:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(MUSIC TO END)
© Garrison Keillor 2002