(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newmann)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high above the quiet streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC)
GK: It was one of those May mornings when you wake up and the sun is shining and you feel like Julie Andrews is just about to walk in and sing about packages tied up with string. I got to the office about noon, and listened to my messages. (BEEP)
FN (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, Vince Hagman here, from Midtown Celebrity Memorabilia. Mr. Noir, we've been looking at this item you brought in, the saxophone that you say once belonged to former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. Is there any way to verify that? We can't find any proof that she even played the saxophone. And it smells like beer. Give us a call please... (BEEP)
SS: (ON PHONE) Mr. Noir? It's me. Sonya? Remember? We met at the party. I was the one in the Mount Rushmore T-shirt. We went out in the back yard to talk? You told me you thought you could get my poetry published? Remember? Well, when can I come over with my poems? Call me. (BEEP)
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, it's Chip Horlick, I'm calling from Los Angeles. I ---- I need your help. (BRIDGE)
GK: I called the number he left and it turned out to be a cosmetic surgeon in Beverly Hills.
SS (ON PHONE): Office of Dr. Charles Horlick, cosmetic surgery. This is Sahara. How may I help you?
GK: Uh. I'd like to talk to Dr. Horlick.
SS (ON PHONE): Is this chin, cheek, chest, eye job, thigh job, nose job or tummy tuck?
GK: I'm just returning his call.
SS (ON PHONE): Are you a patient of ours?
GK: No, no. I don't need plastic surgery.
SS (PHONE): You sound kind of jowly to me.
GK: I'm not.
SS (PHONE): When you shake your head, do you feel a lot of stuff move down there?
GK: Never mind. (BRIDGE) She put me on Hold for awhile and then finally Dr. Horlick came on. (CLICK)
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir? Thanks for returning the call. Listen ---- can you come out to L.A.? I've got a problem. It's about my wallet. It's been lost.
GK: Your wallet----
TR (ON PHONE): Yes.
GK: Ordinarily you'd report that to the police, Dr. Horlick----
TR (ON PHONE): I'd rather not, Mr. Noir. You see---- my screenplay is in the wallet and I need to get it back.
GK: A screenplay in your wallet?
TR: Yes. The outline of a screenplay.
GK: I see, and where did you lose it?
TR: I go to a Spa and Energy Center where there's a re-imagist named Emerald and she runs her hands over your body to re-align your energy field.
GK: And that's when you lost the billfold----
TR: She coordinates your emanations.....you see, it's all based on light. Are you aware of the galaxy Zebnik?
GK: I knew a Vern Zebnik. In high school. He certainly gave off emanations...
TR: The light waves from the galaxy Zebnik are directly related to the energy field of the human body, Mr. Noir----- (BRIDGE)
GK: I hopped on a flight to L.A. and three hours later I was walking down Sunset Boulevard looking for the Cafe Rondo where I was supposed to meet Dr. Horlick. (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE.) I crossed the street and couldn't help but notice the three S.U.V.s side by side waiting for the light to change. Each one driven by a tiny woman with intensely blonde hair and the ponytail hanging out the back of a baseball cap, and a body made taut by deep-tissue aerobics and a pair of sunglasses bigger than her hips. I walked up to one car and ----
SS: Yeah, I'm on Sunset. Running late cause I gotta drop Cheyenne at the therapist's and meet Kyesha at the club and then go by the Farmer's Market and get home before the pool man has a hissy fit.
GK: In the backseat was a small unhappy looking child wearing a Walkman and drinking Perrier from an Eddie Bauer safari cup and playing a video game (VIDEO CLINKS). And then the light changed (THREE HUGE CARS TAKE OFF LIKE ROCKETS) They were the biggest S.U.V.s I'd ever seen. Like tanks. Sixteen feet high. Wheels like tractor wheels. Exhaust stacks. Ladders up to the cabs. And then a whole bunch more of them went by. (CARS BLASTING BY, ONE BY ONE) All driven by small powerful women with blonde hair and huge sunglasses. (BRIDGE) I walked into the Rondo Cafe. (RESTAURANT AMBIENCE) It was Italian and it specialized in round things. Pizza, mushrooms, tomatoes, garlic bread, calamari-----
TR: Thanks for coming, Mr. Noir. This is really important to me --- I'm trying to get out of cosmetic surgery and this screenplay is the best I've ever written. It's called "Futile Attraction" --- it's about a young actress and a guy who is stalking her ---
FN: Hey. Chip. How's it going?
TR: Oh, hi, Jason. Mr. Noir, this is Jason. Used to be head of production at Fox ----
FN: The waiter thing is temporary until I get the green light on some things.
TR: How are you?
FN: Great.
TR: What's going on?
FN: Oh, I've got some projects I'm really very excited about.
TR: Great.
FN: Yeah. I've been talking to some people.
TR: Fantastic----
FN: They're really excited. Totally committed. Now it's just a matter of selling it to the big boys.
TR: Right. ----Anyway, this screenplay of mine, Mr. Noir----
GK: The one you lost at the re-imaging session with Emerald---
TR: Right. Anyway, it's about this young actress who comes to L.A. to make it big and this guy starts stalking her and this other guy sees what's going on and he gets rid of the stalker and he and the actress fall in love.
GK: Yes?
TR: That's it. That's the story. What do you think?
GK: The second guy falls in love with the actress----
TR: The one who runs off the stalker, yeah.
GK: Is this a feature-length picture?
TR: Yes, of course.
GK: So there's dialogue?
TR: Right.
GK: Good. (BRIDGE) I went with the doctor over to his office to get the address of the re-imaging center where Emerald ran her hands over people's bodies to align their energy fields. (QUIET INDOOR AMBIENCE. SFX: SOME MURMURING, THROAT CLEARING, ETC. VERY SUBDUED) The waiting room was full of beautiful people. They were deeply tanned and height-weight proportionate and wore flip-flops and halter tops and their pants were torn in all the right places. I sat down to wait----
FN: Hey. How's it going?
GK: Great.
FN: What's happening?
GK: I've got a number of projects I'm really very excited about.
FN: That's great.
GK: I've been talking to people at HMO.
FN: Great.
GK: How about you?
FN: Same here. I'm expecting a call any day now.
GK: Great. (BRIDGE) And then I saw the needle marks in his forehead. Actual holes in his head. ---- sir, are you getting Botox injections, by any chance-----
FN: Yes?
GK: The doctor is putting the botox in really deep, isn't he? It looks like he's putting Botox right into your brain tissue.
FN: Oh?
GK: Do you feel different?
FN: Like, how?
GK: Like, not as smart? Dumb?
FN: I don't know. Let me think about it. (MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN)
TR: Mr. Noir!
GK: Put that needle down, Doctor. You've been killing off people's brain tissue.
TR: I can't discuss it with you, Mr. Noir.
GK: You're making people stupid, Dr. Horlick.
TR: What's your point-----?
GK: How can you do this to people? You're turning them into mindless automatons.
TR: They're beautiful and they're happy. Some of them have their own sitcoms. What's the problem? Here---- let me show you.
GK: Get away from me!
TR: Relax.
GK: I don't want a shot!
TR: This is going to sting a little bit----(THEY STRUGGLE)
GK: Get your hands off me-----
TR: It's only a hypodermic-----
GK: Listen, you freak------
TR: Take your hand off your forehead----
GK: Get away from me-----
TR: You're going to thank me for doing this----
GK: Why you---- (HE WINDS UP, SWINGS. KONK AND SLITHER OF FACE FALLING OFF. TR HORROR REACTION. ) ---- I hit him square in the chops and his whole face fell and hung down around his chin like a sack. (TR BABBLING, LOOSE LIPS) He grabbed a screwdriver and stuck it in his ear and (RATCHETING) turned it and gradually his face came back up on the front of his head, though it was still hard to understand him. (TR BABBLE) ---- Listen, Dr. Horlick, I'm sorry about your face ---- go to a good surgeon, and listen --- about your screenplay ---- it's no good. So don't think about it anymore.
SS: You're wrong, Mr. Noir. (SAX)
GK: I turned. She was a tall woman with long hair, auburn. And her mouth moved in a way that suggested strong feeling. Either that or she was sucking on a lozenge. She wore jeans so tight you could see where her underwear had bunched up --- and a green blouse that was cut so low, you could see her shoes. It gave you vertigo to look down it. But vertigo is better than feeling nothing at all.
SS: It's a beautiful screenplay. It's going to be the next big thing.
GK: You must be Emerald, the re-imagist.
SS: What do you want, Mr. Noir?
GK: Dr. Horlick's wallet.
SS: Every religion requires some sort of sacrifice. And I am accepting his screenplay in the name of Zebnik, our true home in the cosmos. Let me share my energy with you, Mr. Noir. Stand very still and close your eyes and imagine that your body is filled with light. (MUSIC)
GK: I let her run her hands over my body. I could feel myself enter her energy field. Either that or I was just real excited. I'm always open to other religions. I don't have a closed mind. And when she was done, I didn't have a billfold. But she did give me back my driver's license.
SS: You'll need this at the airport.
GK: Thanks. (BRIDGE) I had no cabfare to get to the airport so I tried hitchhiking but (POWERFUL CARS ZOOMING PAST) none of the S.U.V.s stopped ---- all the tiny mothers were busy on their cellphones ----- until I found a piece of cardboard and I wrote on it: "STUDIO EXEC ---- WILL READ SCRIPT FOR RIDE". (BRAKES. DOOR OPEN)
FN: Hi. Hop in.
GK: Thanks. (CAR PULLS AWAY. INTERIOR OF CAR) How's everything going?
FN: Great.
GK: What's happening?
FN: Got a couple of projects I'm really very excited about.
GK: Great.
FN: You got a minute, could you read my script?
GK: Sure. (MUSIC) It was about a young woman who moves to L.A. from Des Moines with her boyfriend and there's a stalker and she falls in love with him and he gets rid of the boyfriend. It was interesting. Needed some work, but hey, what doesn't? (MUSIC)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high above the quiet streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC UP AND RESOLVE)
© Garrison Keillor 2002