(GK: Garrison Keillor; FN: Fred Newman; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: ......right after this message. (DARK CHORD)
TR: You don't think I'm clinically depressed, Dr. Karnowski?
SS (SHRINK): How would I know, Stanley? You're from the Midwest. If you were a New Yorker, I'd put you on powerful drugs and have you sit under a sunlamp every day. But for a Midwesterner, depression is more like a personality trait.
TR: But this pessimism-----
SS (SHRINK): We call it pervasive negative anticipation. The constant feeling that everything is going to turn out for the worse.
TR: What can I do, Dr. Karnowski? Would meditation help? Are there books I should read?
SS (SHRINK): What I recommend is a new power mower, Stanley.
TR: A power mower?
SS (SHRINK): Studies show that for people from your part of the country, the sound of a one-cylinder engine raises seratonin levels immediately. And the act of mowing grass reduces anxiety. There's no better way to feel empowered than with a brand-new mower.
TR: Thanks, Dr. Karnowski. I feel better already. (POWER MOWER START AND REV AND FADE)
GK: Sometimes a wonderful piece of machinery can accomplish what years of expensive therapy can't. Isn't that right, Woody Allen?
TR (WOODY): I went to this psychiatrist for thirty years. Five days a week for thirty years trying to figure out the causes of my depression. And then I realized why it wasn't working. The guy was a podiatrist. Finally I decided to buy a power mower and I've never felt better. (MOWER START AND REV)
GK: Maybe all you need is a power mower. A message from the Power Mower Society.
SS: What about PMS? Can power mowers help with that? Huh? Or didn't you think about that? Huh? Probably not. Ya big weasel.
GK: The Power Mower Society. A power mower costs less than medication and therapy, and it gets the job done. Try one this weekend. See if it doesn't help. (MOWER START AND REV)
© Garrison Keillor 2002