(GK: Garrison Keillor; FN: Fred Newman; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: When I was a little kid growing up in Minnesota, milking cows every morning (PLACID MOO) and walking ten miles to school through blizzards (BLIZZARD) with only my dog Jack to show me the way (FN KID: School, Jack! School! WOOF) the highlight every day was listening to the big radio shows that originated from New York and that gave us a glimpse of glamour and sophistication out there on the frozen tundra ---- (BIG BAND THEME UNDER....)
TR: And now...Big Round Bagels, the bagel that Goes Around and Comes Around, presents SUBWAY MELODIES...(SUBWAY TRAIN SLOWING, STOPPING) 42nd Street. Times Square. Connections available to the Great White Way. Yes, so many Broadway stars got their start right here performing on the station platform. And tonight we bring you the stars of tomorrow...let's welcome 12-year-old Dave Wheedle of Far Rockaway...
FN (TAP DANCING, SINGING, TO TUNE OF "SWANEE"): Tribeca, how I love ya, how I love ya, my old Tribeca. I'd give the world to be ---In t-r-I B way downtown on Varick Street, Tribeca...(FADE INTO BRIDGE)
GK: F. Scott Fitzgerald once said to Ernest Hemingway, "New Yorkers are different from you and me." And Hemingway said, "Yes, they're in New York." But they really are different, and that's what made them so fascinating to me growing up on the farm. We ate dinner at twelve noon and supper every evening at five-thirty, but New Yorkers led lives that were utterly free... (ORGAN)
TR: And now...otham Shoes, the shoes that put your best foot forward, presents...RIVERSIDE DRIVE...life's little adventures on the west side of Manhattan...ORGAN BRIDGE)
SS: Sheridan------!
FN (BOY): Yes, Mom?
SS: Darling, daddy will be home for dinner in an hour and I wonder if you could have Rene drive you to the Four Seasons and get me some filet mignon to go.
FN (BOY): Sure, Mom.
SS: And hurry. You know Daddy likes to eat before eleven. And while you're out, maybe you could pick up a quart of gin.
FN (BOY): Okay, Mom.
SS: And take the wolfhounds with you. (BARKS) They haven't been out since this morning. And if the drugstore is still open, ask Ben if he can send up a big bottle of methamphetamines, darling. The cherry flavored kind.
FN (BOY): You bet, Mom.
SS: Here's a thousand dollars and if there's anything left over, buy yourself a tuxedo.
FN (BOY): Sure, Mom. (BRIDGE)
GK: I was the sixth of thirteen children, I wore hand-me-downs, I never experienced privacy until I was eighteen, I was brought up to not speak unless spoken to and so the New Yorkers I met on the radio were so darned interesting to me. I'd never met people like them before. (ORGAN)
TR: Time once again for...LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK...in which our panel of New Yorkers talks about what's going on with them these days. Let's start with you, Brenda Kelly.
SS: So I went to the doctor and he tells me that I got something going haywire with my uterus, I don't know what it is, something, inter uter neuter something, so I call up my mother on the phone to tell her and she gets going talking about what a bum my brother is, so I tell her, "Ma, leave him alone, you can't change him," so she starts in on me and how come I'm not married yet and so on and so forth, and of course I don't tell her about Jerry, because frankly I don't know if that's gonna work out or not, what with his still being in prison and all---
GK: Living out there on the prairie, thirty miles from town, chickens perched on the antenna (CHICKEN FLURRY), we depended on the radio for entertainment and just the words, "live from New York," gave a show so much sparkle and class. You could imagine ladies in strapless gowns dancing close with handsome men with thin mustaches and white jackets. (BIG BAND THEME)
TR: Live from the Astoria Lounge at New York's famous Biltmore Hotel, it's Vince Gardenia and his Jazz Equestrians.......(MUSIC)
GK: Of course there were local radio shows but somehow they weren't as much fun. (ORGAN)
TR (MINNESOTA): And right now Lutheran Life & Casualty brings you the Afternoon Farm Report, where we give you the livestock prices and we'll have Clem in with some tips on preventing soil erosion and then Betty Ann will come in with our Scripture reading, which is from the Book of Job.
GK: We'd come in from the fields for dinner and after we washed up and Daddy said the table grace (SWEDISH), we dug into the meatloaf and boiled potatoes and turned on the radio so we could escape from our dreary little lives. (BIG BAND THEME)
TR (ANNC): Live from New York City....it's LET'S GET TOGETHER...a show in which two New Yorkers attempt to make a date to meet for coffee...
SS: How about we have coffee?
FN: Great.
SS: When are you free?
FN: Anytime.
SS: Today?
FN: You name it.
SS: How about 2?
FN: Where?
SS: Downtown?
FN: I've got to meet somebody on East 96th at 2:15. How about three?
SS: Three's fine. I'd have to leave at 3:05 to pick up something in Midtown, but----
FN: I'm completely free at 4.
SS: Four is fine.
FN: Would you mind coming up to Westchester? I've got a meeting there at 4:30.
SS: I have to be at Lincoln Center at 4:45. How about 5?
FN: I'm at the gym. How about tomorrow?
SS: I'm incredibly busy tomorrow. Sorry.
FN: Well, how about June 10th?
SS: I'm gone. What's September like for you?
FN: Completely crazy. You have anything in 2003?
SS: Let me check and call you back. (BRIDGE)
GK: New Yorkers were so fascinating to us. We didn't keep calendars because we had loads of time on our hands because there wasn't that much to do, especially in the winter, which is most of the time in Minnesota. You get one of those June blizzards and you're snowbound for days and it was so darned interesting to listen to New York on the radio. (BIG BAND THEME)
TR: Live from New York City, Broadway Brand Pretzels presents... THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE, the game show in which contestants compete for valuable prizes by telling about famous people they saw yesterday. Mona from East 53rd Street, meet Sam of Greenpoint...
SS (NYER): I went to the theater last night to see "Navy Nurses USA" --- you know, with Betty Grable. And during intermission, who should I run into but Clark Gable. He was there with Esther Williams and her husband Tennessee. They're very nice people. His brother Ted was there. And their dad, William Carlos.
FN: That's nice. I know Clark from way back. "Bunny," I call him. Old nickname. Odd you should mention him, because he and I had lunch yesterday. With Ernest Hemingway. Papa. A very nice guy. With Marlene Dietrich. And Marilyn Monroe and Bill Monroe and Richard Rodgers and Mister Rogers and Roger Maris and Mary Martin and Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis and Lewis & Clark, Clark Kent, Dave Clark, Dave Matthews, Matthew Broderick, Broderick Crawford, Cindy Crawford, Peter Lawford, Roberta Peters, Robert Burns, George Burns, Boy George, John Boy of the Waltons and Elton John and John Cheever and Sigourney Weaver and the cast of "Leave it to Beaver" ---- that whole crowd. Very nice people.
SS (NYER): Very nice people. That's odd. Papa didn't mention you. I saw him and Sam Peckinpah and Pops Armstrong and the Boston Pops and the Red Sox and Pipi Longstockings and Pope Pius. He's a very nice person. The Pope. (ORGAN STING)
GK: Growing up in the Midwest I had very little conception of fame because we didn't read the paper, we were an oral culture and my uncle Bjorn, whom we called The Old One, told us stories at night as we hunkered around the fire (TR SWEDISH), stories about fish and elk and the terrible things that Danes had done to our people, stories we'd heard a thousand times before, so it was wonderful when he finally shut up and we got to listen to the radio (BIG BAND THEME)
TR: Live! From Rockefeller Center in New York City! It's WHERE IS IT? The game show in which contestants compete for cash prizes by showing their mastery of geography! Who's our first contestant, Sid?
FN: Back from last week---- going for the grand prize of $10,000 ----- Emily Pisces of West 22nd Street! (CROWD ROAR)
TR: Boy, you must be excited today, Emily! Ten thousand smackeroos!
SS: I couldn't sleep. Boy, have I been studying ---- I've had my head in an atlas all week.
TR: And are you ready?
SS: I guess so.
TR: For ten thousand dollars, Emily ---- where is Minnesota?
SS: Where is what?
TR: Minnesota.
SS: Oh boy. I knew you were gonna ask me a hard one. Do I get a clue? Is it on the West Side?
TR: It's not in New York.
SS: How about Queens?
TR: Not in Queens.
SS: Oh, boy. This is impossible. How am I supposed to know this?
TR: Take a guess.
SS: Florida. (BAD BUZZER)
GK: Growing up there in that little sod house, in a family of sharecroppers, milking the cows (MOOS) morning and evening and feeding the pigs (PIG) and collecting the eggs (HENS) and listening to Father read from the Old Testament (SWEDISH), usually something about suffering and the plagues, I thought to myself, Someday you're going to go there and you're going to attend a show at The Town Hall on West 43rd Street and sit in those big velvet seats under the grand chandelier with the statues of goddesses in niches on the walls and watch a big band play jazz music, a big band led by a handsome guy with slicked back hair and a big grin...ladies and gentlemen, Vince Giordano and his Nighthawks. (BAND PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2002