(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high above the quiet streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC UNDER)
GK: It was one of those mornings in late March when it's almost spring and not quite, like when the girl almost says, Yes, I'll go to the movies with you, and instead she says, Get lost. I was desperate for a cup of coffee, which I had ordered an hour before from Danny's Deli, but when I called down there, all I got was voice mail.
TK (WENDELL, ON PHONE): You have reached Danny's Deli. Please leave a message at the tone. (BEEP)
GK: Yeah, this is Noir, and the message is hurry up with the coffee, Dumbo. What's wrong with you? (BEEP) I was all out of instant, all I had was an herbal tea called "Quiet Moments With A Friend." I listened to my messages. (BEEP) ...
SS: Mr. Noir, it's Claire DuChamp at The Frame-Up shop. We're framing your college diploma and I couldn't help but notice that "Harvard" was spelled with an "e" ---- so do you want us to go ahead with it? Maybe you should call us. Thanks... (BEEP)
TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Gary Bledsoe at the Shopping Bag Museum here in St. Paul, home of the largest collection of shopping bags in the world ---- Mr. Noir, we are coming to you to ask for your financial support as we come toward the end of our capital fund drive, to raise fourteen mill-----(BEEP)
TK: (WENDELL, ON PHONE) Hi, Mr. Noir. Listen, I spilled coffee on your order slip so I don't know what you ordered. Give me a call. (BEEP)
GK: Ai yi yi yi.
TR (ON PHONE): Hello, this is Al Gore. If you've postponed getting a hair implant because you weren't sure how it would look, I'd like you to do what I did and call Hair's Looking At You. Yes, in just six treatments......(CLICK)
GK: I called over to the Deli to ask Wendell about the coffee (ROTARY PHONE, DIAL 7 NUMERALS) because my hands were shaking and I was starting to have hallucinations. (RING AT OTHER END. 2ND RING. CLICK)
TK (WENDELL, ON PHONE): Hello, this is Wendell. I can't come to the phone right now but if you leave me a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If this is urgent, press 1, and someone (BEEPING OF DIGIT 1) will be with you shortly-----
TK (WENDELL, ON PHONE): Yeah, Wendell here?
GK: The coffee, Wendell, Where is it?
TK (WENDELL): Uh----- what kind of coffee did you want? Cappucino?
GK: Just coffee. Black.
TK (WENDELL): Okay. What size?
GK: The biggest you got.
TK (WENDELL): You want a Danish with that?
GK: No. A Norwegian. Come on, Wendell ---- it's been an hour. Get on the stick.
TK (WENDELL): We're kinda backed up right now. Get to you as soon as we can. Thanks for your patience, Mr. Noir.
GK: What patience you talking about, Wendell???? (HANG UP) I sat and watched the clock, the minutes ticking by, and I could feel the caffeine deficiency like a yawning chasm. (RING, RING, RING, PICK UP) Hello? Noir here.....
SS (ON PHONE): Guy, this is Betty ---- over at the Worcestershire Arms? The residential hotel over by the freightyards? Listen, I need your help. You remember the old radio comic, Ben Dover? He's been living here for thirty years, and now he's becoming a major nuisance.
GK: Betty, being a nuisance is every comedian's goal.
SS (ON PHONE): But he's running around with his spray seltzer bottle and a whoopee cushion and one of those guns that says "Bang" on a flag when you pull the trigger. And a rubber penguin.
GK: Is this the same Ben Dover who used to be on the "Sal Hepatica Sunday Cavalcade"?
SS: The one who ran around yelling, "Ya wanna buy a penguin"--
GK: "Ya wanna buy a penguin" --- right.
SS: And he put the plastic buckteeth in his mouth and yelled, "Rots o' ruck" ----
GK: Sure. So how old is he now? A hundred?
SS: I don't know but he's bothering people and --- I don't want to have to call the cops and have all that publicity ----could you come over and talk to him?
GK: Sure. (BRIDGE) I hiked over to the Worcestershire Arms and there on the moth-eaten chairs in the must and mildew of the dim fly-specked lobby sat the ancient radio stars of yesteryear.
TR (GEEZER): Hey! Mister! Remember me? Saturday mornings at 9? " RADIO CHUMS." Remember? I played Skipper -----
GK: I'm in sort of a hurry, old-timer.
TR (GEEZER) It was sponsored by Continental Coffee. They called me Mr. Continental. Now they call me Mr. Incontinent. (FADING)
SS (OLD, WHISKEY VOICES): You must be Mr. DeVore from the network-----
GK: No, ma'am, I'm not-----
SS (OLD, WHISKEY VOICE): Here's my publicity picture, Mr. Devore --- you'll need it for the newspapers.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS (OLD WHISKEY VOICE): And for my theme song, "Indian Love Call," tell the band not to take it too fast. Like this, (SINGS) "When I'm calling you-u-u-u-u-u-u, Won't you answer true-u-u-u-u-u-u-----"
GK: I'll tell them, ma'am.
SS (OLD WHISKEY VOICE, FADING): Should I wear the yellow dress or the green stripes?
GK: The yellow! (SLIDE ELEVATOR DOORS, BRIDGE) I remembered her. Dorothy DeMott. The star of "Melody Matinee" ---- now crazy as a jaybird. I got on the elevator and reached over to press the button for the 4th floor and----
TK: Hey! Keep your hands to yourself. That's my job, running the elevator! What's the matter with you?
GK: Sorry! Fourth floor, please.
TK: You moving in here?
GK: No, no----
TK: Not a bad place to live for guys our age.
GK: What do you mean, "guys our age"?
TK: They keep the temperature up around eighty. You can have a hotplate in your room. You get used to the trains in the night----
GK: I'm only here to visit a friend----
TK: That's what they all say, Pops. I say, You're an old coot, you gotta make the best of it.
GK: You're Bob Beesley from "Make The Best of It" ---- aren't you?
TK: None of your beeswax, bozo. Fourth floor. (DING) Watch your step. (OPEN ELEVATOR DOOR)
GK: Pleasure to meet you. My mother was a big fan of yours.
TK: Aw, go jump in the lake. (ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSE)
GK: (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW) Ben Dover's in 4I. Here's 4E. And 4G. And here's 4I. (KNOCKS)
TR (INSIDE, MUFFLED): Nobody here.
GK: (KNOCKS) Mr. Dover???
TR (INSIDE) He moved out.
GK (KNOCKS): Listen, Ben, it's Guy Noir. Your old agent. I have a check for you.
(DOOR OPEN)
TR: A check for how much? Huh? Who are you? I don't know you! Hey! Get yer foot outta the door!
GK: My foot is staying in the door, Mr. Dover. And it won't come out of the door until you hand over your whoopee cushion. You're done pestering people with that, pal.
TR: Oh yeah---- (LONG FART)
GK: Had enough of you and your stale gags. Grow up.
TR: I'm a star, mister ---- take your hands off me.
GK: Were a star. You wanna buy a penguin?
TR: What's the beef, mister? I pay my rent.
GK: They're tired of you leaving your whoopee cushion around for people to sit down on.
TR: What? Like that? (LONG FART)
GK: That's enough.
TR: And they're gonna throw me out ???? Just for that????
(MUSIC)
GK: And just then I smelled coffee. Mr. Dover had a pot of it on the hotplate. Smelled like it'd been cooking for a few days, but nonetheless, it was coffee. ---- You mind if I have a little bit of your java there, Mr. Dover.
TR: Not at all. Come in. (BRIDGE)
GK: So I came in for coffee. Bitter coffee but nonetheless. We talked about old times. He showed me his scrapbook. He showed me how to do the seltzer.
TR: Always aim high. Always. (SHOT OF SELTZER) See? And then you do one down the pants. (SHOT OF SELTZER) Gets em everytime. --- You ever see me do my Swedish chicken dance?
GK: No, I never did.
TR: It was very big at one time. It went like this. (HE SINGS, IN CHICKEN CLUCKS, WITH SWEDISH ACCENT)
GK: That's good. Very funny.
TR: I used to make grown people blow coffee out their nostrils with that one. People heard that and ran their cars off the road. People in nursing homes fell out of bed. And the other big one was my penguin joke. You ever hear that?
GK: No, I never did.
TR: I used to do it every year at the beginning of April. I got more mail about that penguin joke than anything else I ever did. People used to hold penguin parties and listen to that show, people sent me stuffed penguins in the mail. People wrote in and said it was the funniest darned joke they'd ever heard in their lives! People laughed themselves sick.
GK: Must've been quite a joke.
TR: You want to hear it?
GK: I don't know.
TR: There's a longer version and a shorter version.
GK: Let me hear the shorter one now and save the long one for later.
TR: There were these two penguins standing on an ice shelf. One was named Harry and the other was Oscar. Or maybe it was an ice floe. Part of an iceberg. Two penguins. Harry and Oscar. I guess this would've been in Antarctica. Probably. You've seen penguins, right? Little guys with flippers. Black and white. Anyway, these two penguins are standing on the ice floe or iceberg in what I assume was probably Antarctica, though of course it could've been a zoo. I've seen penguins in a zoo. Standing around, molting. They weren't all that happy to be there, but there they were. Anyway, it doesn't matter. These two penguins, Oscar and Henry, are standing around and talking about this and that, you know, the weather and so forth, and where the best fishing spots are, and talking about the kids, and ---- did I say Henry? I meant Harry. Harry and Oscar.
GK: ALL RIGHT! TELL THE JOKE!!!
TR: And one penguin says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." And the other penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?"
GK: Okay. Go on.
TR: "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." "What makes you think I'm not?"
GK: That's the joke?
TR: Kind of takes a minute for it to sink it, doesn't it----
GK: That joke was the high point of your career????
TR: People tuned in every year to hear that joke. People appreciated a little humor in their lives---- It was the Great Depression.
GK: Listen, mister, you're going to make a great Depression in the ground outside---- (TR PROTEST, PANTS RIP, GK EFFORT, THROW, BIG BREAKAGE OF GLASS, TR VOICE GOING DOWN, FADING) (BRIDGE)
GK: I threw him out the window and he landed on a flatbed freight car carrying big chunks of foam rubber (TRAIN WHISTLE) heading for North Dakota. And I threw out the seltzer bottle (GLASS BREAKAGE) and the rubber chicken (GLASS BREAKAGE) and the whoopee cushion (FART, GLASS BREAKAGE) and dumped the rest of his stuff in a garbage can (TRASH CASCADE) and headed down to the Five Spot. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): How's it going there, Guy?
GK: Oh, about the same, Jimmy. Gimme a Martini would you. With a jellybean.
TR (JIMMY): Coming right up.
GK: I need a little sedative. I'm heading out to my sister Georgina's for Easter tomorrow.
TR (JIMMY, OFF): How'd you get shnookered into that?
GK: She called and asked me and I couldn't think of an excuse quick enough. You know?
TR (JIMMY): Yeah. Sometimes you just can't pull the trigger when you need to.
GK: The timing is so crucial. You gotta have the excuse right there---- when they say, Can you come? Two seconds is the longest you can pause, three seconds is too long.
TR (JIMMY): You shoulda said, "I can't, I'm spending Easter with Jimmy and Cherise."
GK: Who's Cherise?
TR (JIMMY): This girl I met at the gym. Quite a looker. Mid twenties. Really sweet. Rolling in dough. Father owns a frozen pizza company.
GK: What you doing with Cherise for Easter?
TR (JIMMY): We're gonna order in Chinese and watch old movies and now that we know you won't be there, we're going to ---- heh heh heh heh ----
GK: Thanks, pal. You're all heart.
TR (JIMMY): One Easter Martini, coming right up.
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high above the quiet streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002