(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
GK: Our program coming to you today from (MUSIC) Good old St. Paul. Yes, if life seems stressful and unnecessarily complicated, maybe you need to think about moving to Good Old St. Paul.
People often ask me what is the difference between Minneapolis and St. Paul, since I've been in both cities, and I tell them that, of course, Minneapolis is a great city and the home of many wonderful people. It is a fact, however, that you will find more giant rats in Minneapolis. (RATS) And more people talking to themselves (SWEDISH), more giant carnivorous lizards (SHRIEK).
GK: And it's a proven fact that Minneapolis drivers have strong psychopathic tendencies ------ you try to get on the freeway, people won't let you in. (HORN, SQUEAL OF TIRES, ROAR OF ENGINE) The women are the worst.
SS: OUT OF MY WAY, BOZO, OR I'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE A DIXIE CUP.
GK: Wonderful women, educated, interested in the arts, big readers, gracious hosts---- ----
SS: Would you like more sherry?
GK: But they will not let you into their lane-----
SS: YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO SQUEEZE IN FRONT OF ME, THINK AGAIN, BUDDY BOY --- YOU FEEL LUCKY, PUNK? WELL, DO YA? THEN GO AHEAD! MAKE MY DAY!
GK: (MUSIC) That's when you think, maybe it's time I tried living in Good Old St. Paul.
TR: Yeah, that's right. I usedta live out west of Minneapolis and commute to my job as a stock analyst and I tell you, those Minneapolis drivers drove me nuts. So Lois and I moved to St. Paul. I found work at the doorbell factory and she's making lace doilies for the St. Paul Piano Top Shop. We take the streetcar to work and on the weekends go dancing at the Prom Ballroom. We're just a whole lot happier.
GK: Good Old St. Paul. Once you settle down here, you almost never need to go anywhere else.
SS: Yeah, I used to go to Minneapolis, and then after my aunt died, thirty years ago, there was no more reason to go...St. Paul's got everything we need. Grocery store. Filling station. Shoe repair. Dry cleaner. A restaurant where you don't pay an arm and a leg for a plate of spaghetti. And they're all right here in the neighborhood. Why drive fifteen miles and spend an hour finding a place to park when you can find something just as good right around the corner? It don't make sense.
GK: Lots of people find it easier to live in St. Paul, including our governor.
TR (JESSE): I sure felt honored when I moved into the governor's mansion in St. Paul. It's only a short bike ride from my office in the capitol. I can get home in ten minutes, and stop at the store for bread and milk.
GK: If your life is stressful and unnecessarily complicated, maybe it's time you consider Good Old St. Paul. I think you're going to like it.
(MUSIC BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2002