(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
(THROBBING SYNTH)
TR: You have a gigantic sport utility vehicle that can (ENGINE REV) run right over a compact (METALLIC CRUNCH) and go across swamps (MUD, SQUISHING, REV OF ENGINE), and straight up the side of a building (ENGINE REV), and yet deep down, you yourself are confused, depressed----- maybe you need Sports Utility Underwear. It's roomy, its powerful, it makes you feel like a new man.
TK: I'm done with talking. I'm gonna start taking. Taking what I want and the heck with you pathetic idiots. Eat dirt and die.
TR: It's Sports Utility Underwear... the briefs that give you the world.
TK: Listen up, folks. It's me. The Big Guy. I know what I want and I'm going to get it. You pygmies don't like it?? Who cares?
TR: In Combat Khaki, Macho Maroon, and Fightin' Fuscia. If life has been pushing you around lately, maybe your underwear is too small. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002