(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
(BIG THEME)
TR: The following is brought to you by the Professional Organization of English Majors.
(MUSIC UNDER......)
(INTERIOR, FAST FOOD RESTAURANT AMBIENCE. SOME TABLEWARE)
GK: Good afternoon, welcome to Boogeda Boogeda, may I interest you in one of our Jumbo Jojo Meals with the half-pound Boogeda Boogeda Burger, the Big Bucket O' Fries, and the Half Gallon Big Daddy Vanilla Shimmy Shimmy Shake, all for $5.49?
TK (PEERING UP AT MENU BOARD): Uhmmm----- how about you give me a burger and ------- uh, onion rings ------ and a chocolate shake------
GK: You care for the half-pound Boogeda Boogeda Burger?
TK: That's the half-pound one, right?
GK: Right.
TK: Maybe I'll have the Mr. Weasel instead.
GK: The hot dog.
TK: Yes.
GK: You care for the Whoopsy Daisy onion rings or the Dish Antenna or the Invasion from Outer Space?
TK: Uh. Invasion from Outer Space.
GK: Okay. And the Vanilla Shimmy Shimmy Shake ---- you want that in the Big Daddy size, the Momma Yes, the Bubba, the Sis Boom Bah, or the Tummy Tickler?
TK: Give me a Bubba.
GK: Okay. A Mr. Weasel, the Whoopsy Daisy onion rings, and the Bubba Vanilla Shimmy Shimmy Shake---- anything else?
TK: No.
GK: Okay. For whom is the Vanilla Shimmy Shimmy Shake?
TK: For whom?
GK: Yes. For whom. If it's for a child, you get a free puzzle.
TK: Oh. It's for my girlfriend.
GK: Oh. Okay. Your total comes to $4.19 ----
TK: Okay. Four dollars------ (SEARCHING FOR MONEY) Say, I've always been confused about when to use "who" and when to use "whom" ----- in a sentence, you know ----- is there any rule about that or does everybody just do whatever they want?
GK: Well, it depends on whether the pronoun is the subject or the object in the clause. You use "who" if it refers to the subject ----- for example, "the man who shot Liberty Valence," in which "who" refers to the man, who is the subject ----- and you use "whom" to refer to the object ----- for example, "the man whom we recommend" ---- "whom" stands for the man and he is the object of the verb "recommend". You understand?
TK: I think so.
GK: And here is your Mr. Weasel, the Whoopsy Daisy onion rings, the Bubba Vanilla Shimmy Shimmy Shake. Thank you for coming to Boogeda Boogeda. And have a nice day. ----- Good afternoon, welcome to Boogeda Boogeda, may I interest you in one of our Jumbo Jojo Meals with the half-pound Boogeda Boogeda Burger, the Big Bucket O' Fries, and the Half Gallon Big Daddy Vanilla Shimmy Shimmy Shake, all for $5.49?
SS: I'd like the Splish Splash Fish Wrap and onion rings and, uh, the Wiki Wacky Fruit Smoothie.
GK: Okay. The Whoopsy Daisy onion rings or the Dish Antenna or the Invasion from Outer Space?
SS: Dish Antenna.
GK: Could I interest you in an Apple Bibidy Bobedy?
SS: No, thanks.
GK: Okay. (COMPUTER REGISTER) That's $4.59.
SS: Okay. (RUMMAGING IN PURSE) Say, are you an English major?
GK: Yes.
SS: I thought so. Listen, could I ask you a question? Are you familiar with the movie, "Moby Dick"?
GK: I'm more familiar with the book.
SS: I saw the video last night. I mean, what is it with that Captain Ahab? I mean, why does he keep going and going and going after that white whale when it's like really really obvious that the whale isn't, like, people-friendly? It makes no sense.
GK: It's an obsession.
SS: Oh.
GK: Ahab had a run-in with the whale years before and the whale tore off his leg and so he became obsessed with finding the whale and killing him, no matter what.
SS: Oh. So---- he and the whale have met before? I didn't realize that.
GK: Yes.
SS: Oh. So that's where the peg leg came from? A whale attack?
GK: Right. Here's your Splish Splash Fish Wrap and Dish Antenna onion rings and Wiki Wacky Fruit Smoothie, have a nice day -----
---- Welcome to Boogeda Boogeda, may I interest you in one of our Jumbo Jojo Meals with the half-pound Boogeda Boogeda Burger, the Big Bucket O' Fries, and the Half Gallon Big Daddy Shimmy Shimmy Shake, all for $5.49?
TR: No, I'd like you to open up that cash register and take out all the tens and twenties and stick em in a paper bag and hand it over. Real quick. And no funny business.
GK: Okay, sir.
TR: And keep your hands where I can see em.
GK: Yes, sir.
TR: And hurry.
GK: I will, sir. Just looking for a paper bag. ----
TR: Stop stalling. Gimme the money. C'mon.
GK: I just want to make sure I get all of it for you.
TR: Well, you better hand it over now or I'm gonna give You Know Who a big dose of red-hot lead.
GK: You know ---- in that sentence "you know who" should actually be "you know whom" ---- because "you know who" is the object of "give a big dose of red-hot lead to" so it should be objective, not nominative case----- it's "whom" you are giving the big dose of red-hot lead to ---- you follow me?
TR: Okay, smart guy. You Know Whom is gonna get a big dose of red-hot lead if You Know Whom doesn't hurry up and hand over the money.
GK: Well, you see, in the second part of the sentence, "you know whom" is now the subject, so, to be absolutely correct grammatically, it should be----- (GUNSHOT, GK REACTION)
TR: There. How do you like that, you grammar freak. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: (DYING) Welcome to Boogeda Boogeda, may I interest you in one of our Jumbo Jojo Meals -----
(OPEN DOOR, JINGLE. FOOTSTEPS)
SS: No, I'm just looking for this guy I'm supposed to meet here, he said he'd be here at two, and I'm a little late cause I had to dry my hair and everything, and I'm wondering if you mighta seen him, he's sorta tall with kinda dirty blonde hair and wearing blue jeans and dark glasses, his name is Derek, he's somebody who I know from English class.
GK: Whom. Whom. The guy "whom" I know from English class.
SS: Oh. You knew him too?
GK: No, you say someone "whom" I know from English class.
SS: That's what I said.
GK: I wish I had more time to explain, but I am a subject who suddenly became an object........ (HE DIES)
(THEME UP)
TR: The preceding brought to you by the Professional Organization of English Majors.
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002