(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
(MUSIC)
GK: There come times in every marriage when you consider the possibility of change. You look at your husband and you think,
SS (REVERB): What if, tomorrow morning, I just tell him to take his golf clubs and get out. And I'll call up that wonderful man I sat next to at the kids soccer league awards banquet. The one who knew all about decoupage. And had read Doris Lessing. And when he talked about her, he wasn't afraid to cry.
GK: But divorce is never a simple thing. People have a fantasy about the amicable divorce----- (MUSIC UNDER)
SS: You're absolutely right.
TR: We were wrong for each other.
SS: Simply wrong.
TR: I like you, but as a friend.
SS: I feel the same way.
TR: Good luck.
SS: Bye.
TR: Let's have lunch.
SS: Tomorrow?
TR: You bet. (BRIDGE)
GK: It's never like that. It's like this.
SS & TR: (MONSTERS BREATHING, GRUNTING AT EACH OTHER)
GK: People do get restless after years of marriage. One day you look across the dinner table at him and you wonder----- What's he doing here?
TR: Boy, I bought 40 feet of new garden hose today. Amazing, what they get for that now. And it's not even that good. You can't get good heavy rubber garden hose any more. Remember that? Now that's what I call hose. Anyway, I went to six different stores. All they had was that cheap plastic stuff. It works okay but it's not rubber. Just my personal opinion.
GK: What if you could drop a tiny pill in his coffee and change him----
TR: Boy, I bought four tickets to Puccini's "Madame Butterfly". Expensive, but who cares. I went to six different stores looking for a recording, the one with Lucia Albanese. Now that's what I call a Soprano. Have you tried these tea biscuits?
SS: What pill was that?
GK: It's called BioGuy. It reverses a person's polarity, quickly, simply, with no side effects.
GK: And it works with women, too.
SS: I am putting my foot down. We have to change our diet. From now on, it's going to be salads and brown rice and tofu around here until we get rid of that spare tire of yours. (SIPS COFFEE) Or I could grill you a 36-ounce porterhouse. How about you grab us a couple cold ones and I'll grill the steak and we can watch basketball. And after that----- heh heh heh ----- let the games begin, big boy.
GK: The wonders of pharmacology. People used to suffer for decades, drag themselves through therapy, read books about relationships, hope for something better. Now it's here. BioGuy.
TR: What about golf Saturday? I got a new Big Betty Driver. Man, that baby puts 'em out there. (SIPS COFFEE) But I'd rather clean the garage then take a shower and take Jennifer to the museum. They have a Frieda Kahlo show that is really magnificent.
GK: A message from the American Pharmaceuticals Foundation who remind you that people can change... if you're willing to drive to the drug store. (MUSIC BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2002