(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
GK... back with more show right after a word about (BIG DOCUMENTARY DOWNBEAT)
TR: (ANNC) Wisconsin......our NEIGHBOR to the EAST.
GK: A national hotbed of tailgating, where before and after football games, orchestra concerts, funerals, white sales, people gather in a parking lot for wieners and beer served out of the back of a station wagon, Wisconsin is internationally renowned for bratwurst----
SS (SCONSIN): You care for the 12-ounce or the 16?
GK: They're tasty rascals, doggone it. Especially with beer - (TR BELCH)
SS (SCONSIN): So what can I get you to drink then?
TR (RICH GUY): Would you have a Fume Blanc, or a Pouilly-Fuisse----
SS (SCONSIN): You want the 12-ounce or the 16?
GK: And that brings us to the subject of the Packers. Whenever the Packers are playing, everything stops.
TK (SCONSIN): Whadja say? The Packers are playing? Holy cow, why didn't you tell me? I had no idea. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. CAR DOOR OPEN, SLAM. ENGINE START. CAR PULLS AWAY WITH A SCREECH)
GK: Packer games are a religious experience in Wisconsin. Everything else stops.
TR: (REVERB) Dearly beloved, we have come together......in the presence of God to witness and bless the joining together of this man and this woman in Holy Matrimony. The bond and covenant of marriage ---- (TK WHISPERS) What? (WHISPERS) Kickoff is when? (WHISPERS) Oh, my God. (HURRIED) Okay---- you have him? (SS: Yes) and you have her? (TK: Yes) --- sickness, health, whatever, okay? (SS & TK: Right) --- better or worse (TR RUNS THROUGH LINE FAST...... love, honor, comfort, forsaking all others, long as you both shall live ------ rings----- (TWO POPS) ---- kiss ----- (QUICK SMOOCH) ---- Peace of the Lord be with you. (SS & TK: You too.) Dismissed! (FAST BELLS, FAST MENDELSSOHN WEDDING MARCH, FAST FOOTSTEPS)
(RESPIRATOR, CLINK OF INSTRUMENTS)
SS: Mr. Leinenschwangen? Can you hear me? The operation went very well and we'll be back and close you up during halftime. Okay? You just take it easy. I'm going to start the beer in your I.V. and you can have a bratwurst in the recovery room. Okay? (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, CLOSE DOOR. RESPIRATOR)
GK: Bratwurst, beer, the Packers, and cheese ---- cheese sliced, cheese cubed, and of course cheese melted (BUBBLING, VISCOUS POURING) ---- steak melts, tuna melts, sushi melts, and of course mind melts ----- melted cheese poured over people's heads and shaped to form fish or animals, a boat, a barn, a scene from the Bible, or a Packers helmet.
SS (SCONSIN): You're not from here, are you? I seen that right away. Just by looking at your head.
GK: America is running a huge annual surplus of cheese due to the fact that a heavy cheese diet makes your arteries snap shut, but in Wisconsin, people are developing new uses for cheese.
TR (SCONSIN): So, you like our new sofa?
SS: Real comfortable. Almost seems to mold to your shape. What color is this?
TR: Gouda.
GK: Cheese, brats, beer and the Pack ----- Wisconsin has it all. And it's so close to Minnesota that if you need to get to a good restaurant, you're never more than eight hours away. You can buy Packer shirts in Wisconsin, cheesehead caps, books with pictures of cows, or buy cows (MOO), or buy a house and a shed to keep your brats in ----
TR (SCONSIN): Yessir. Once you been here for awhile, it kinda grows on you.
GK: It's all there in Wisconsin. (BIG MUSICAL BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2002