(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith; RD: Rich Dworsky)

GK: ... this portion of our show brought to by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Rhubarb... it's the secret of the good life as we know it. --- (ELEGANT MUSIC, RESTAURANT AMBIENCE) It's a very special evening and you've reserved a table for two in the corner at Le Maison de Cuisine for you and Kathy.

SS: Oh, Howard. Ever since I responded to your I.M. in the chat room ----I've been so happy.

TR: Likewise, Kathy. Waiter? The champagne, please. (TK FRENCH. CORK POP, POUR) Here's to us, Kathy.

SS: To us----

TR: Kathy, we've been dating for almost three weeks and I think I know what's in my heart.

SS: What's in that little box?

TR: Kathy---- I------

GK: And just then the waiter lights the cherries jubilee at the next table (BIG POOF) and your toupee catches on fire---- (TR AGITATION) and before you can pour water on it, it's gone----

SS: Howard... you're bald as a billiard ball.

TR: Kathy, I can explain----

SS: You mean all that dandruff on your shoulder---it was phony?

TR: It was actually Kosher salt.

GK: And then a man at a nearby table recognizes you----

TK: Hey, Shamu---- remember me? It's Wally the Human Crocodile. Who's the hot momma?

SS: Who is that strange man, Howard?

TK: Haven't seen you in ten years, buddy boy. You still keep in touch with the old gang ---- Blimpy the Fat Boy, or Koko the bearded lady or the tattooed man? Or the Twins, Chang and Chong? Saw Rocky the Dog-Faced Boy the other day. He married the Human Pincushion, you know. Hey, say hello to Sparky. (SEAL BARKS)

SS: Howard, you never told me about this.

TR: I was in the carnival for a few years. I was Shamu the Lizard Boy. You see, I have webbed toes.

SS: Is there anything else... I should know?

TR: I ate flies, Kathy. I sort of developed a taste for them.

SS: You----- you still eat flies?

TR: I could give it up at any time. Believe me. It's just ---- they're so darned tasty. (FLY) (SWAT) (CRUNCHING)

GK: (RHUBARB THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a slice of rhubarb pie
Serve it up, warm and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

© Garrison Keillor 2002