(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith; RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: ... this portion of our show brought to by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Rhubarb... it's the secret of the good life as we know it. --- (ELEGANT MUSIC, RESTAURANT AMBIENCE) It's a very special evening and you've reserved a table for two in the corner at Le Maison de Cuisine for you and Kathy.
SS: Oh, Howard. Ever since I responded to your I.M. in the chat room ----I've been so happy.
TR: Likewise, Kathy. Waiter? The champagne, please. (TK FRENCH. CORK POP, POUR) Here's to us, Kathy.
SS: To us----
TR: Kathy, we've been dating for almost three weeks and I think I know what's in my heart.
SS: What's in that little box?
TR: Kathy---- I------
GK: And just then the waiter lights the cherries jubilee at the next table (BIG POOF) and your toupee catches on fire---- (TR AGITATION) and before you can pour water on it, it's gone----
SS: Howard... you're bald as a billiard ball.
TR: Kathy, I can explain----
SS: You mean all that dandruff on your shoulder---it was phony?
TR: It was actually Kosher salt.
GK: And then a man at a nearby table recognizes you----
TK: Hey, Shamu---- remember me? It's Wally the Human Crocodile. Who's the hot momma?
SS: Who is that strange man, Howard?
TK: Haven't seen you in ten years, buddy boy. You still keep in touch with the old gang ---- Blimpy the Fat Boy, or Koko the bearded lady or the tattooed man? Or the Twins, Chang and Chong? Saw Rocky the Dog-Faced Boy the other day. He married the Human Pincushion, you know. Hey, say hello to Sparky. (SEAL BARKS)
SS: Howard, you never told me about this.
TR: I was in the carnival for a few years. I was Shamu the Lizard Boy. You see, I have webbed toes.
SS: Is there anything else... I should know?
TR: I ate flies, Kathy. I sort of developed a taste for them.
SS: You----- you still eat flies?
TR: I could give it up at any time. Believe me. It's just ---- they're so darned tasty. (FLY) (SWAT) (CRUNCHING)
GK: (RHUBARB THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a slice of rhubarb pie
Serve it up, warm and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
TRIO:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
© Garrison Keillor 2002