(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim RuSSell, FN: Fred Newman)
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high above the quiet streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those cold winter mornings when you wake up and immediately you regret it. I was living in a studio apartment at the Hotel Hereford, a pile of bricks by the freightyard full of losers and soreheads on their way to the glue factory. I was in the last month of a year's lease and the manager, Madame DuFarge, was getting ready to raise my rent. (FLY CIRCLING)
SS: (HARRIDAN): I had a lot of complaints about you playing the radio late last night. (WHACK OF FLYSWATTER) (FLY CONTINUES)
GK: I was trying to drown out the moaning of the radiators, Madame Dufarge.
SS: (HARRIDAN): And somebody said you had a hotplate in your room and they smelled Spam. Plus which, you owe me January rent. Cough it up. (SWATTER. FLY CONTINUES)
GK: Next week. I promise.
SS: (HARRIDAN): You told me that a month ago.
GK: So now we're getting even closer, right? Don't worry. (WHACK OF SWATTER. FLY CONTINUES) (STING & BRIDGE)
GK: I got to the office and called over to Danny's Deli for a ham and cheese on sourdough -----
FN (ON PHONE): We're all out of sourdough. We got banana bread ---- how about that? And there's no ham but I have a very nice liverwurst---- You want that with a pickle?
GK: Forget it. I'll go to the Gospel Mission instead. (HANG UP) There were a number of disturbing messages on my answering machine. (BEEP)
SS (ON TAPE): Hi, it's Susan at All About You Photo Studio. Your new headshots are ready. The airbrush didn't work but we had some luck with extra-glossy exterior latex paint. But I'm afraid your chin kinda segues into your neck. Drop by and have a look. (BEEP)
TR: Mr. Noir, it's Mr. Herberger at the bank. We seem to have a problem with your checking account, Mr. Noir ---- could you come down and talk to me about it? You might want to bring a lawyer. (BEEP)
FN (ON TAPE): Hello, it's Dr. Nelson, Mr. Noir. I took another look at the X-rays and I'm wondering if by any chance you've been coughing up rubber bands. (MUSIC)
GK: I was about to head over to the Pantages and catch the noon show, an adventure flick called "Rash Impulses," and just then--- (PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP) Yeah? Guy Noir here.
TR: (MINNESOTA, ON PHONE) Mr. Noir, this is Lloyd Ingebretson over at Immanuel Lutheran?
GK: Yes.
TR (MINNESOTA, ON PHONE) I'm calling about the wife.
GK: Okay.
TR (MINNESOTA, ON PHONE) Evelyn. She's an English teacher. Sometimes she gets to reading a lot and it gets her all worked up emotionally, don't you know, and the other night she says to me, "Lloyd, you got any interest in flying down to New Orleans?" And I said, "I got no interest in that whatsoever, what are you, nuts or something?" And next morning, I get up to make coffee and she ain't here.
GK: Did she leave a note, Mr. Ingebretson?
TR: She did.
GK: What did the note say?
TR: It said "Don't forget, garbage on Friday, recycling on Tuesday."
GK: Sounds like Evelyn went away.
TR: I believe so. And I found a credit card slip on the dresser.
GK: What was that for, Mr. Ingebretson?
TR: Plane fare. To New Orleans.
GK: I think you got your answer right there.
TR: I think so, too.
GK; You make detective work easy, sir.
TR: I just can't believe it. Why would she do that without telling me? Could you go find her, Mr. Noir? Skinny woman, brown hair with some gray in it, navy blue knit suit, a big black purse? Please.
GK: I'm on my way, sir. (MUSIC) So I headed off to the fun capital of the South to locate an English teacher. (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, CARS PASSING, HORNS)
TR (CREOLE): Hey, you need a taxi ? Got me a nice air freshener, beaded curtain, new seat covers, eh? Got the little doggie in the rear window, the eyes light up. What you say, mister? (MUSIC)
GK: I hopped in (CAR MISSING, ACCELERATES, GRINDS GEARS) and we took off for the French Quarter (CARS PASSING, URBAN SFX) which hadn't changed much since I was there twenty years ago in the Case of the Deadly Brunette. It was a theme park except most of the rides were self-induced, from drinking blue, yellow and orange cocktails. A big billboard said, "Never Drink While You're Driving---You Might Spill Some." (PASSING CELEBRANTS) The proportion of tourists to natives was about thirty-to-one. So people from Indiana and Ohio were walking around looking at each other. I thought to myself, Where would an English teacher go? And then I saw a plaque: it said, Truman Capote ate breakfast here and the waitress's name was Tiffany. It was a cafe called the Demimonde Cafe. (CAFE AMBIENCE) I stepped in and ordered an espresso. (ESPRESSO MACHINE, UNDER).... It was dark inside and there was a courtyard in back with a fountain. Over the bar was a TV screen with a video of Truman Capote reciting the Gettysburg Address (TR: "Fourscore and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth on these shores, a new birth of freedom......") And a gypsy with a gold tooth was sitting at a table dealing cards. (CARDS)
SS (GYPSY): Welcome to the Demimonde. Shall we see what the cards say about your fortune, eh? (CARD SHUFFLING)
GK: There isn't a charge for this, is there? -
SS: (CARD SNAPPED DOWN) Aha. The zydeco suitcase. That means the person you seek is nearby. And--- (CARD SNAP) The steaming crayfish. She is sitting alone in a room covered with red flocked wallpaper. (CARD SNAP, GASP) The Zulu deuces.
GK: What does that mean?
SS (GYPSY): It means you have three minutes left on your long distance card. (BRIDGE)
GK: It didn't take long to find the red-flocked wallpaper. Next to the Cafe was a bordello. I could tell by the beaded curtains, the wallpaper, the pictures of the girls on the wall. And the sign in the window that said "Bordello." In the doorway stood a woman in red. With fringed boots. Smoking a cigarette in a long holder.
SS (BLANCHE): I'm Miss Des Moines. Come in. Can I get you a Co'Cola? (SAX)
GK: She wore a red satin dress that certainly didn't use up much of the world's supply of satin. Her eyes flashed, her golden hair cascaded onto her shoulders, her arms and legs moved, everything you'd hope for in a real woman. --- You said your name is Des Moines? Is that a Creole name?
SS (BLANCHE): No. It's a title. Miss Des Moines. I won it three years ago. I played Habanera on the trombone.
GK: This your establishment, Miss Des Moines
SS (BLANCHE): I reckon so. I didn't get your name----
GK: Noir. From Minnesota. Ever hear of it?
SS (BLANCHE): I miss Minnesota.
GK: You miss Minnesota?
SS (BLANCHE): No, I am----- Miss Minnesota. Won that title right before Miss Des Moines.
GK: How about the Lutheran Church ---- does that ring a bell?
SS (BLANCHE): I imagine it does. But I sleep late Sunday mornings. (FOOTSTEPS) If you're from Minnesota, you're probably shopping around for a Southern girl. Someone to sweet talk you. A post-feminist.
GK: These the girls here on the wall?
SS (BLANCHE): That's them. We got Misty. And Amber. And Tawny. And Praline. And Bourdelaise. And-----
GK: Who's this one down at the end? The skinny one with the big black purse.
SS (BLANCHE): I don't think you'd be interested, Mr. Noir.
GK: Actually, I'm rather attracted to her type.
SS (BLANCHE): What type is that, Mr. Noir?
GK: She looks like a woman who'd force me to write 500 words about Faulkner and then make pointed comments about my sentence structure.
SS (BLANCHE): You like a woman who'll make you write?
GK: I find it strangely exciting. Especially if she makes big red check marks by my mistakes----
SS (BLANCHE): Big red check marks?
GK: Yes.I'm thrilled by them. And by being made to compare and contrast. It excites me even to think about it.
SS (BLANCHE): And what about chalk dust on her sleeve?
GK: Chalk dust on a woman's sleeve drives me wild, Miss Des Moines. It turns me into an animal.
SS (BLANCHE): Well, maybe Miss Evelyn would be available----
GK: Please. How much?
SS (BLANCHE): Two hundred an hour. More if you stay after school.
GK: Here's the money. And please ---- hurry. (STING & MUSIC UNDER) A moment later, in walked Evelyn. In a blue knit suit, carrying a big piece of chalk.
SS: I hear you're interested in Faulkner. Take out a piece of paper.
GK: I'm taking you home, Mrs. Ingebretson.
SS: Who are you?
GK: I'm from Minnesota. Lloyd sent me.
SS: Oh thank goodness. How did you ever know it was me?
GK: There's a groove on your right index finger that can only come from correcting papers with a No. 2 pencil---- let's go.
TR (RICO): Hold on there just a second! You ain't goin' nowhere with her.
SS: Excuse me, but you should say "anywhere." You're not going anywhere. Not "nowhere."
GK: You want to face a charge of transporting an English teacher across state lines?
TR (RICO): You're gonna be face down on the sidewalk in just a minute, Noir.
GK: Oh, I don't think so.
TR (RICO): I hope you're ready, cause things are going to come to a big crashing crescendo in a big hurry, Noir.
SS: Excuse me, but you're misusing the word "crescendo," Rico. It doesn't mean "climax" or "conclusion."
TR (RICO): Huh?
SS: Crescendo is a musical term that means "the progress from soft to loud" ---
TR (RICO): Well, what word should I use instead?
GK: How about you use the word "aiiiiiiieeeeee"?
TR (RICO): What you talking------ (KRRRACK, TR OOF, GROAN, FALL) (STING AND MUSIC)
GK: I got Evelyn to the airport and she told me the whole story. (AIRPORT AMBIENCE)
SS: She told me she was from Des Moines, she offered me a place to stay, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that men were willing to pay me a lot of money to correct their grammar and write on a chalkboard and make it squeak. They got all excited about it.
GK: It's okay, kid. It was a mistake.
SS: How am I ever going to tell Lloyd? That I wound up working in a bordello in the French Quarter?
GK: We'll tell him you were making Jell-O.
SS: Actually, they did have Jell-O at the bordello. A whole bathtub full. For two hundred dollars, you could----
GK: I don't want to know, Evelyn. Thank you. (BRIDGE)
TR: (JIMMY) Wasn't expecting you back from New Orleans so soon, Guy. Thought you'd stay for a week. Specially with this snowstorm moving in.
GK: No, I had to get back and pay my rent, Jimmy.
TR: (JIMMY) What can I get for you, Guy? You want a martini?
GK: No, I'd like a Sazerac, Jimmy. It's a New Orleans drink.
TR (JIMMY): What's in it?
GK: Beats me, but I had two of them and afterward I was able to speak a little French.
TR (JIMMY): What'd you say in French?
GK: Toujours l'amour. Things along that line. And there was wine and dancing and we had a wonderful time---- Which I then discovered I was paying for. You know what they say: "A fool and his money---
TR (JIMMY): ---Are always welcome in the French Quarter."
GK: So I maxed out my credit card. C'est la vie. C'est la vie.
TR (JIMMY): All right, I'll say "la vie." Now what?
(MUSIC)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high above the quiet streets on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.
© Garrison Keillor 2002