(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, FN: Fred Newman)
GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (CELEBS THEME) ---- brought to you by EmCom, makers of Nembazine ---- we're in New Orleans, a city famous for its good-time way of life, its tolerance of flamboyant behavior --- is this a city that famous celebrities come to and if so, what disguises do they wear? Let's ask them and find out. Mr. President-----
TR (BUSH): Well, let me tell you. Back when I was in the Celebrity Wing of the Texas Air National Guard, I'd come to New Orleans to provide economic stimulus for some of the establishments along Bourbon Street, and I did a lot of things that you're never ever going to find out about.
GK: And what did you learn from that, Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): I learned that the preachers drive nicer cars than the bar owners. So there's something to be said for being a Republican.
GK: Do you still come to New Orleans?
TR (BUSH): No, I don't. I decided to give my life to the Lord and try to live according to the Nine Commandments.
GK: I thought there were Ten.
TR (BUSH): Nine or ten. Somewhere around there.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Ted Koppel, have you ever been to New Orleans?
TR (KOPPEL): New Orleans is a city that, in a sense, and sense, after all, is a part of experience, which, especially for those of us in the business of communication, is very much dependent on perception, if one can use the word "perception," which I just did, although here in the city of New Orleans, and when I say "city," I mean that not only as a place where people live, but also where they drive, or walk, or go out to dinner, which includes not only the entree but also the appetizer and dessert, and now I believe I have forgotten exactly what we were talking about.
GK: That was good, fine, thank you very much. Tom Brokaw, how do you feel about New Orleans?----
TR (BROKAW): Well, I've been to New Orleans many times to visit the D-Day Museum. I like New Orleans very much. And my latest book is set here, it's called The Best Generation Goes To Bourbon Street and Falls Down.
GK: We'll look forward to that.
TR (BROKAW): And after that I have The Best Generation Cajun Cookbook.
GK: Sounds good. And speaking of cooking, here's America's doyenne of the kitchen, Julia Child.
TR (JULIA): Bonjour, mes amis!
GK: You like to come to New Orleans, Julia?
TR (JULIA): Je te adore! It's beautiful! It's French but not stuffy! You don't have all that marinating and trussing and putting the bouquet garni in the cheesecloth! You just let her rip! Toss it in the pot! Chicken, pork, seafood, a seagull, a couple sparrows, whatever! It's not a meal, it's a celebration! Bon temps brulee!
GK: Sounds like quite a deal. Vice-President Al Gore, you've been to New Orleans?
TR (GORE): I have visited New Orleans, or as some would call it, New OR-le-ans, on numerous occasions, most recently to address the South Central Regional Conference of the Federated Association of Administrative Organizations.
GK: And how was that?
TR (GORE): It was truly wonderful. We stayed up until midnight talking about planning guidelines.
GK: Did you get out to see the French Quarter?
TR (GORE): I feel, personally, that whether it's the French Quarter, or Hispanic Quarter, or African-American Quarter, or Caucasian Quarter, that this is one country but one made up of many different traditions.
GK: Good. Thank you for that insight. Mr. Rogers? Do you come down to New Orleans ever?
TR (MR. ROGERS): You want to know if Mr. Rogers comes to New Orleans? Well, I'll tell you. I come to New Orleans every year for Mardi Gras. Yes, I do. Mardi Gras is a very special time. It's when Mr. Rogers takes off his sweater and throws it into the crowd. Yes, I do. I like to get all dressed up in a costume with shiny things on it and thousands of feathers and a big mask. Masks are very important to Mardi Gras. Do you know why? Because it makes identification so difficult. Do you know what your booty is? Do you? Would you like Mr. Rogers to show you?
GK: That's all the time we have for Famous Celebrities (THEME) brought to you by MarCom, makers of ZanTec.
© Garrison Keillor 2002