(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: .....brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. I went on a new sleeping pill and now I don't wake up at midnight with grass stains on my pajamas. My neck pains went away when I started buying shirts with an 18 f inch collar. The guy whose cat died when she crawled down our dryer vent finally settled with our insurance company and stopped sending us hate letters. And Barb went on one of those TV reality shows in which you tell the most intimate details about your life and she won an all-expenses paid trip for two to the Pacacadawakahuhumama Hotel in Honolulu. We should've been happy. But the first night, I found her on the balcony looking out over the sea and sobbing quietly to herself. (SS SOFT WEEPING) Barb --- what's wrong, honey? It's paradise. We're supposed to be happy. .
SS: Oh, Jim. I feel so fat in that swimsuit.
TR: Oh------ you look okay.......
SS: You don't think I'm fat?
TR: (PAUSE ONE BEAT) No, not at all. Robust, yes. Not fat.
SS: I am fat, aren't I. I better go get myself a muu-muu. And go on a diet of taro roots.
TR: You look fine. Better than a lot of gals I saw out there today. But if you're self-conscious, maybe we should wait until after dark.
SS: I took off my towel and everyone looked away so fast you could hear their vertebrae snap. All those babes with the great tans and the tight butts and me and my saddlebags. I felt like a woolly mammoth in a herd of gazelles. And I should've expected it. My astrology forecast said, "People are looking at you and pointing."
TR: But usually those just say something like, "Enjoy your life and get more rest."
SS: Mine was very pointed. ----Do you realize I was the only woman at the luau whose grass skirt had an elastic waistband? Oh, Jim. I have to go on a diet. But it's so tough.
TR: Evidently, yes.
SS: My body and my fat seem like really good friends. And I'm worried about the side effects of diet pills. Hair loss, mood swings, violent flatulence ----
TR: I think what you really need is ... ketchup.
SS: Ketchup?
TR: Ketchup enhances any diet ?? without noxious emissions. And
ketchup has natural mellowing agents, so you'll be able to relax, and
realize that for a woman your age, you're still quite a looker.
SS: Oh, Jim, you smooth talker you.
RD: A day in the tropics, going scarfless and capless.
You and your true love and some friends from Minneapless.
Good things are flowing like ketchup on pineapples.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
© Garrison Keillor 2001