(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: ....right after this message from the ELCA, the Emergency Lutheran Counseling Agency. So much counseling today is purely atmospheric --- there's no direction to it at all.
TR (CAPOTE): Well, it all depends on how you feel and whether it meets your needs and on the one hand, it's a wonderful opportunity, and on the other, it might be a very bad mistake.
GK: At ELCA, you don't get hot air, you get counseling that's direct.
SS (OLDER WOMAN): I'm only going to say this once, you little snot: you wake up and smell the coffee and get your butt in gear and "GROW UP."
GK: Other counselors charge you heavily to listen to you talk.
TR (CAPOTE): Talk some more about your feelings about Mommy.
GK: At ELCA, we talk, you listen.
SS (OLDER WOMAN): Your problem is you don't know the meaning of the word WORK, you expect everything to be handed to you on a silver plate. Well, no more ---- the free ride is over, buster ---- and if you expect to keep on coasting, you got another think coming. Time to GROW UP.
GK: Not to be confused with UPS, The Unitarian Pastoral Service.
TR (CAPOTE): I think that regardless of what you decide, you're still a very very beautiful person and a part of our universe.
GK: You won't find that at the ELCA.
SS (OLDER WOMAN): I got one thing to say to you and that's quit acting like an idiot and GROW UP.
GK: The Emergency Lutheran Counseling Agency....in the Yellow Pages under Discipline.
© Garrison Keillor 2001