Oh we had the Christmas party in Lake Wobegon last night
Everybody's hair was combed, their faces shining bright,
And the ones who were not speaking they came out of pure spite
And because they heard that Gladys made the meatballs.
There was knackebrod and sardines, and old Norwegian cheese
Strong enough to bring a Frenchman to his knees
And an old Icelandic aquavit that tastes like antifreeze,
You have a glass and you cannot feel your tonsils.
There was Clarence Peterson and Hjalmar Peterson and Esther
Peterson and Lois Peterson
And Carl Peterson and Evelyn Peterson and Pete Peterson he was
there too.
And then out came the main dish that everybody wants,
The bowls of golden meatballs, the piece de resistance,
From a family recipe of Johnny Johnson's aunts
And the string beans and cole slaw and mashed potatoes.
Meatballs made of pork and sirloin lean and ground
A blend of secret spices and onion lightly browned
And everyone was silent as the platter went around
There was no sound except for people chewing.
There was Clarence Oleson and Hjalmar Oleson and Gladys Oleson
and Lois Oleson
And Carl Oleson and Carolyn Oleson and Ole Oleson he was there
too.
I sat next to Hjalmar Peterson, now there's a tough old bird.
We sat and chewed our dinner and we didn't say a word.
Cause everything we have to say, we've already heard
So what's the use of pointless conversation.
We had a quart of whiskey and a couple kegs of beer.
And everyone drank faster as we saw it disappear.
Then Svendson got out the brandevin and everybody cheered
Lange leve! to the King and Queen of Norway.
There was Clarence Larson and Hjalmar Larson and Gladys Larson
and Lois Larson
And Carl Larson and Judy Larson and Lars Larson he was there too.
.Hjalmar he got schnockered and he told a joke,
About a traveling salesman, not meant for decent folk.
And Pastor Jensen laughed so hard I thought he'd have a stroke.
And he blew some tapioca out his nostrils.
And then we moved the tables and let the fun begin,
Evelyn played piano and Lester the violin
Larry blew on the saxophone, and oh you could smell the gin
As they struck up the Beer Barrel Polka.
INSTRUMENTAL VERSE
Then at two o'clock in the morning we finally swept all the trash
away
And put on our overcoats and said a last adieu.
We said goodbye in the hallway and said goodbye on the stairs
We said goodbye on the sidewalk in the cold December air
Then we leaned against the cars and said goodbye out there
And we headed home to have an Alka Seltzer.
And the next day when we woke up, we were sick in bed,
Our stomachs were kind of rocky and there was hammering in our head
But that evening we felt better and we sat up and said,
"Boy, that was a heck of a Christmas party."
There was Andy Stein and Arnie Kinsella and Gary Raynor and Pat
Donahue
And Richard Dworsky and I was there and I believe that you was
there too.
© Garrison Keillor 2001