(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
...brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council.
TR: Oh. Thank you. A polo shirt. Burgundy. Extra large?
SS: You can exchange it if you don't like the colorf..
TR: No. It's fine. (REVERB) Burgundy. Only guys I know who wear burgundy shirts are in their sixties and smoke cigarillos and drive Buick LeSabres. What is she trying to tell me?
GK: And so the burgundy polo shirt goes into a drawer, along with the fondue set and James Joyce's "Ulysses". They stay in the drawer for thirteen years and then they're thrown in a shopping bag and picked up by the Salvation Army.
TR (MINNESOTA): What you got there, Marge?
SS (MINNESOTA): Ulysses by James Joyce and a coonskin bikini.
GK: That's the bikini that he gave her thirteen years ago, right after she gave him the burgundy polo shirt.
SS: Oh. Thank you. A bikini. Made of fur.
TR: It's coonskin. I saw it in the window at Victoria's Secret. If you don't like it, you can exchange it. I won't be offended.
SS: No. It's -- interesting. (REVERB) That's one secret Victoria should have kept.
GK: So the bikini goes to the Salvation Army along with the Bach Brandenburg Concertos.
SS (TEEN): Oh. Wow. Like, Bach. Cool.
TR: If you don't like it, you can exchange it, honey.
SS (TEEN): No. It's like cool. Bach. (REVERB) Am I that nerdy? Am I like the nerdiest person in, like, the entire country or something?
GK: Off to the Salvation Army it goes. A big waste of money. Wouldn't it have been better to give your loved ones something they'd actually use? Like duct tape? You can't transform somebody's life with a Christmas gift. Give something useful: underwear. A book of stamps. Packages of dried lentils. And duct tape. A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS) Duct tapeffit's almost the only thing you need sometimes.
© Garrison Keillor 2001