(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)


TR (RICH MEATY ANNC): And now ---- Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Petroleum Products present another episode in the life of Barry Minot, Professional Broadcaster . f.

SS: A very nice show this morning, Barry ----

GK: Oh, thanks, Ginger.

SS: The recipes for Christmas cookies sounded really scrumptious. And I loved the poem you read for people celebrating anniversaries. "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impedimentsff"

GK: Right. The Shakespeare.

SS: "Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds/Or bends with the remover to remove."

GK: Right.

SS: "O no, it is an ever fixed' mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark. Whose depth's unknown although its height be taken." It's always been a favorite of mine.

GK: Glad you liked it, Ginger.

SS (REVERB, INTERIOR): Why doesn't he notice me? He acts as if I'm a piece of furniture. Is it my hair? My outfit? Why am I such a doormat?


TR: Barry. Good morning.

GK: Good morning, Mr. Baudette.

TR: Could you step into my office for a moment, Barry?

GK: Yes, of course. I'd be glad to. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

TR: Please --- have a seat.

GK: Thank you. (SLIGHT CREAK) I wonder if you got my note, Mr. Baudette ---- about wanting an office. I've been here at Wiffle for thirty years, and I don't mean to complain, but ----- all I have is a tiny cubicle in the corner with a desk the size of a bread box. I really need an office ---- with a door---- maybe a credenza of some sort----

TR: That's not why I called you in, Minot. I'm concerned about your show. I tuned in this morning while I was out riding my horse White Blaze and you sounded depressed.

GK: Really?

TR: While you were doing the inspirational thought for today. There was darkness in your voice.

GK: There was?

TR: I'm afraid so. You're not hitting the sauce again, are you?

GK: No----

TR: Just seems like you've lost that old sparkle, Barry. That old twinkle in the voice. That winsome boyishness.

GK: Well, I'm almost sixty, Mr. Baudette. It gets harder to be boyish----

TR: It's Christmas, Barry. We need bubbliness. Joie de vivre----

GK: I'm doing my best, sir.

TR: Wiffle Broadcasting has sent down an ultimatum: we need to shore-up our fourth quarter profits. And if we don't --- you'll be out of a job. It's as simple as that.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: We've been doing research with a focus group, and it seems that people'd be 60% more likely to tune in your show if there were a chimpanzee on it and if you wore a big silly hat with a lot of fruit.

GK: I don't know, Mr. Baudette----

TR: We're going to call you Mister Goofy. Somebody in Marketing came up with it. The Mister Goofy Show. And I'd like you to laugh more. Like this: hyuk, hyuk, hyukfff

GK: I'll give it some thought.

TR: Let me hear you, Minot. Hyuk, hyuk, hyukfff.

GK: Would you mind if I practice at home, sir?

TR: We're in an economic down turn, Minot. If we don't make some changes, you're going to have a new job changing sheets at a Motel Six somewhere. I mean it. (FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN. CHIMP)

GK: I take it this is the chimpanzee, Mr. Baudette -----

TR: Its name is Booby. It has some indigestion issues and also a bad habit of throwing poop at people, but other than that, he's a peach.

GK: Booby looks more like an orangutan to me, Mr. Baudette. You can tell by the bright red butt.

TR: The bright red butt is the result of breaking wind, Barry. (CHIMP) (MUSIC BRIDGE)

SS: More coffee, Barry?

GK: No thanks, Ginger.

SS: Is something wrong, Barry?

GK: No, nothing. Nothing really. Just in a thoughtful mood.

SS: (REVERB) Look at him. Sixty years old and single ---- damaged goods, for sure. And yet I'm nuts about him. (REVERB OUT) (FOOTSTEPS) What are you thoughtful about, Barry?

GK: Just wondering if I'll still have a job six months from now.

SS: Don't be silly. Of course you'll have a job. People love you, Barry. (REVERB) At least, I do. I adore you. (MUSIC BRIDGE)

SS: Nice show this morning, Barry.

GK: Thanks, Ginger.

SS: I liked the inspirational thought for the day. About always expecting the best. And I thought there were some nice moments between you and Booby the orangutan, too.

GK: He's a chimpanzee.

SS: Oh, I thought from the bright red butt-----

GK: That's a skin irritation. It's a chimpanzee.

SS: Anyway, I sensed a real rapport there -- (REVERB): Take me away from here, Barry. Take me away and I'll show you rapport like you wouldn't believe.


GK: Oh, hi, Jessica-----

SS (REVERB): Jessica? Who is this? Why is she touching him on the arm that way?

TR (JULIA): It's delightful to see you, darling, and to see where you work. Lovely. Just lovely.

SS (REVERB): Who is this woman?

GK: Oh----- Jessica ---- I want you to meet Ginger, my assistant-----

TR (JULIA): Hello. A pleasure, I'm sure.

SS: Hi. (REVERB) How could he ever fall for someone with hair like that?

GK: Jessica and I are going out for lunch, Ginger.

SS: Great...Enjoy! (REVERB) I hope she chokes to death on a crouton.

GK: Jessica is an old friend. She thinks my moodiness could be caused by an enzyme deficiency.

TR (JULIA): So nice meeting you, Ginger. Ciao.

GK: If Mr. Baudette asks for me, tell him I'll be back in an hour or so, Ginger.

SS (REVERB): Oh Barry! Why can't you see that I love you???? (MUSIC BRIDGE)

GK: Back from lunch! Ginger? I'm back--- Ginger? (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN) Oh. Hello, Ginger. Hello, Mr. Baudette----

TR: We've been waiting for you, Barry. There's wonderful news. The Whiffle Broadcasting Company just got 200 million dollars from the government as part of an economic stimulus package! We're giving management gigantic bonuses, including fourteen million for me. At last, I can realize my dream of owning a ranch. I'm off right now to look at some properties. And I've recommended that the Board of Directors replace me with Ginger. And they have. Good luck, Barry. (DOOR CLOSE)

GK: Congratulations.

SS: Thank you.

GK: I see you've already changed the furniture around and put up new curtains.

SS: Yes. No sense in postponing change.

GK: Well, if there's ever anything I can do to help, let me know. Nice to know that finally I'll have a close personal friend in the station manager's office.

SS: Yes, I suppose it is.

GK: If you ever want to, just, talk ---- remember, I'm here.

SS: I know you're here, Barry. I'm well aware of it. (REVERB) How could I ever have been in love with this loser? Where was my self-esteem?

GK: Is everything all right? You seem different.

SS: Everything has never been better, Barry.

GK: Would now be a good time to talk about my maybe getting an office someday?

SS: No, it wouldn't.

GK: I talked to Mr. Baudette about it. Just looking for a place to hang my plaques and trophies.

SS: We won't be allocating space until we've made our staffing decisions.

GK: I wouldn't absolutely need one with a window----

SS: We're going to re-examine our staff needs and cut costs around here, Barry. We're going to have to downsize. It's painful, but it has to be done. (REVERB) I feel so much better about myself now that I've taken command.

GK: Maybe we could downsize Booby. I don't think we really need a chimp.

SS: There's a lot we don't need, Barry.

GK: You think so?

SS: Starting Monday, Wiffle Radio is aiming for the 14-to-30 year old single women, Barry.

GK: I see.

SS: Lift up your shirt. Let me see your abs.

GK: My what????

SS: Your abs. Young women have higher standards of physicality in radio personalities. How many crunches do you do every morning, Barry?

GK: I have to run, Ginger. Let me get back to you on that. (THEME)

TR (ANNC): BARRY MINOT, PROFESSIONAL BROADCASTER was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Fine Petroleum Products. (THEME UP AND OUT)

© Garrison Keillor 2001, additional material by Dan Fiorella