(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(MANFREDINI, AND FADE)
GK: Nice to get snow finally. Remember that Christmas it was bare ground? Hope this sticks around.
SS: You like Christmas?
GK: What sort of question is that? Of course I do.
SS: Do you?
GK: Yes, of course.
SS: You always seem to get depressed around the first week of December.
GK: I do? You're kidding. I'm not depressed. Am I? Why do you say that?
SS: The kids think you are.
GK: Well, they don't know anything.
SS: If you want to skip it this year, just say so.
GK: No, of course not.
SS: We don't have to do it.
GK: Well, of course we'll have Christmas. Of course we will. I suppose we wouldn't have to have the mob of people we usually --- Christmas Eve, Christmas Day ---- sometimes it seems like---- I don't know ---- like we're running a drop-in center or something.
SS: (PAUSE) Well, I'll tell my family not to come.
GK: (SIGH) I'm not talking about your family.
SS: I'm just glad you told me now so they can make other plans.
GK: They don't need to make other plans.
SS: I'll call them up and tell them to just stay away this year. That we're not in the mood.
GK: (SIGH) I'm sorry I said anything. I'll never say another word. Okay? My lips are buttoned. Lock up my lips and throw away the key. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry. (PAUSE)
SS: I was thinking maybe it'd be nice to have a skating party some night, when the rink gets flooded. Have a few people over. Have hot chocolate after. Eggnog. What do you think?
GK: Fine. Whatever you'd like.
SS: What would you like?
GK: Sounds fine.
SS: You don't seem that enthused.
GK: It's fine. You want a skating party, let's have one. I don't think anybody we know skates anymore, but ---- what do I know?
SS: And then we could come back here for eggnog and we could sing.
GK: Sing?
SS: We could ask Roger and Kendall to bring their guitars and we could sit around and sing.
GK: Sure and we'll wind up sitting through their concert. Just like the Fourth of July that time. They're songwriters, remember? They write songs about rivers. Everything is a river. Time is a river. Everybody's sailing down a river. I suppose Christmas is a river. And they insist that you sing along on the stupid choruses. In harmony. Very big on harmony.
SS: What do you have against them? They're two of our oldest friends.
GK: They're fine.
SS: Why are you so angry?
GK: I'm not.
SS: You're so --- down on everybody.
GK: I'm not.
SS: We can tell them: we want to sing Christmas songs. No songs about rivers. Just Christmas.
GK: Fine.
SS: I don't want to invite people if you're going to be all moody and sullen.
GK: I'll be fine.
SS: You sure?
GK: I'll be fine.
(QUARTET: STILL STILL STILL)
SS: I've been thinking about who to invite for Christmas Eve this year.
GK: Uh huh.
SS: I remember how irritated you got with my sister last year.
GK: (SIGH) She sat in the living room and talked for three hours about food allergies and their search for the exact right school for their highly gifted child. Two hours would have been plenty.
SS: She did not talk for three hours.
GK: She held the floor all evening. I was there. I remember.
SS: She has gone through so much with her allergy problem----
GK: Okay, but all evening????
SS: To leave your house every morning and go to work knowing that if you should ever meet someone who has eaten caramel corn that day, or their clothing has caramel stains on it, or they rode in a car where somebody ate caramel corn --- that you are going to get nauseous and headachey and barf up your lunch as a result of it ----
GK: Fine. Invite her. And her idiot husband.
SS: Idiot?????
GK: Invite them over and they can teach us about food allergies and he can lecture us on the Middle East.
SS: I don't care to invite them.
GK: It's fine. Invite them.
SS: I don't want to look over and see you grinding your teeth.
GK: I wasn't grinding my teeth.
SS: You were sure sighing a lot.
GK: Invite them.
SS: Not if they're not welcome.
GK: I'll call them up right now and tell them to come.
SS: Whatever you want.
GK: Fine. Let em come.
SS: It's up to you. I wash my hands of it.
GK: We'll have them over. We'll have them all over. Your whole family. It's okay.
(QUARTET: DANISH CAROL)
GK: Somebody has to go over and speak to the Putnams about their lights, you know that? I don't know how the neighborhood association can just sit by and watch this go on year after year. It's like somebody opened up a used car lot. Every year he adds about six new things. He's got a Santa dancing a hula. Look at that. And he's got two Grinches now. Right next to Frosty, one Grinch waving and one with a revolving red light on him, behind the Wise Men. Six wise men. And the flashing Hallelujah on the roof. Where do you buy junk like that? Out of catalogues? Frederick's of Las Vegas?
SS: I think it's cheerful.
GK: It's garish. Look at those zipper lights under Santa's sleigh. On the garage roof. It's like something you'd see on a drive-in liquor store.
SS: He's an old man, he lives for Christmas --- he puts up the lights on Halloween, all the kids get a big kick out of it.
GK: It's so cheap.
SS: It's festive.
GK: Festive!
SS: Festive.
GK: It's vulgar and unsightly. It looks like the midway at the State Fair.
SS: I love the midway at the State Fair! You do, too.
GK: I don't need to be living across the street from it. What's wrong with understatement? A candle in the window. Why do we need zipper lights? I mean, really.
SS: What's wrong with you?
GK: What's wrong with me???
SS: When did you get so dark about everything? It's a holiday, for crying out loud. Lighten up.
GK: I'm light enough without him shining lights in my eyes.
(QUARTET: O DU FROHLICHE)
TR: So how've you been feeling generally?
GK: Okay.
TR: You seem quiet today.
GK: Well, sometimes I am quiet. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.
TR: It's a stressful time, Christmas. It can bring back painful childhood memories. Somebody with our background really needs to be aware of this. Sometimes we think we've dealt with the pain and then suddenly, there you are, 59 years old, and you're weeping because Daddy didn't love you enough.
GK: I don't have that problem. My Daddy loved me very much.
TR: You don't think you're depressed?
GK: I'm not. I know I'm not.
TR: Why haven't you talked about your father at all today?
GK: It didn't cross my mind. Daddy loved me very much, he just didn't know how to show it. And he didn't particularly like Christmas. And there were thirteen of us. So --- you didn't get everything you wanted. You learn to be patient, wait your turn----
TR: Sometimes your turn never came.
GK: We had nice Christmases. All the relatives came. Aunt Esther and Uncle Wally were there. He'd have some peppermint schnapps and take me on his knee and sing me a Christmas carol. In Polish. He was Polish. He was very sweet to us.
TR: But that was Uncle Wally. What about your daddy?
GK: He had my sister on his lap. Gwendolyn.
TR: The one who teased you about your ears. The one who your mom and dad took all the pictures of.
GK: Well, she was very pretty as a kid. She had a nice smile. Me, I was --- you know---- kind of an oddball.
TR: Unwanted. Homely. The kid they forgot to call to supper. The kid whose Daddy used to get his name wrong.
GK: Well, it didn't happen that often.
TR: The little boy who got toothpaste for Christmas. A dozen tubes of toothpaste. Wrapped in brown paper. No ribbons or bows. And a dozen socks. Tube socks. And a calendar. From the bank. And a couple of toys. From the bargain bin. The price tags were still on them. And there was a little Roy Rogers lunchbox. It was all black around the edges. Daddy bought it at a fire sale. For 29 cents.---- There's Kleenex there on the table.----- Right beside you. ---- You go ahead and let it all out.
(QUARTET: INFANT LOWLY)
SS: Why would you want to stay in a hotel for Christmas? It makes no sense. We have a perfectly nice house. Why a hotel? I never heard of anybody going off to a hotel for Christmas. Where'd you come up with such an idea?
GK: I wasn't thinking about staying in a hotel here in St. Paul.
SS: A hotel where, then?
GK: Costa Rica.
SS: COSTA RICA!!!
GK: Costa Rica. I hear it's nice.
SS: WHY WOULD WE GO TO COSTA RICA FOR CHRISTMAS???
GK: Because it might be fun.
SS: Fun for who? Costa Rica????
GK: They have beautiful rain forests. Beaches. The food is good. Fresh fruit.
SS: What do you know about Costa Rica?
GK: I read about it. It's a beautiful place.
SS: And what about Harold and Marlys and Buddy and Lois and Janny and Buzz and their kids, Lindsay and Deirdre and Sean, and Bo and Allie and Marty and Jill and Louise---- what are they going to do? What about Denise and Dave and Ann-Marie and Morrie and Phyllis and Merle? And Devon and Patty and little B.J.? And Louie and Francis? And Paul and Ginny? And Jean and Brent?
GK: You invited Jean and Brent for Christmas?
SS: He's your brother!
GK: We don't ever see them. We haven't seen them in years.
SS: All the more reason to see them now.
GK: Last Christmas, they brought their tofu and bean salad and told us all about artificial growth hormone levels in turkeys and what they do to you and when they said goodbye, they each had to hug us and say, "Peace and love." I hate that when they do it.
SS: You're offended by a little hug?
GK: It's not a little hug, it's a big long hug and they say, "Peace and Love". I hate it.
SS: I'll call them and tell them not to hug you.
GK: Never mind. We'll have Christmas here.
SS: I'll tell them not to say Peace and Love.
GK: It's fine.
SS: I'll tell them to stay away from you and not discuss hormones.
GK: They can come. It's fine.
SS: If you don't want to be hugged and have them say "Peace and Love," that's your perfect right.
GK: It's not a problem.
SS: I thought you wanted to go to Costa Rica.
GK: We'll stay here. It's fine.
SS: If it's not fine, tell me now, and I'll tell them to keep their hands off you.
GK: It's fine.
SS: Are you sure?
GK: It's fine.
SS: I thought you liked them.
GK: I do. It's fine.
SS: I mean, they are family. And they mean well.
GK: It's okay.
SS: How about I give you a little hug, okay?
GK: Okay, but don't say it.
SS: Peace and love?
GK: Never mind.
(QUARTET, MANFREDINI)
© Garrison Keillor 2001