(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
.....we'll be back with more of the show after this special news report.
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC newS THEME: TR: A NATION IN CRISIS LOOKS INWARD)
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer, NPR News, in Washington with a special news update on the situation in Afghanistan. There are reports from Kabul that the Taliban, after weeks of bombing, is demoralized and on the run. For the latest, from Islamabad, here is veteran correspondent, Hugh Mungus. Are you there, Hugh?
(DELAY)
TR: Linda...it's John. John Knotwright.
SS: What are you doing in Islamabad, John ---- is Hugh there?
(DELAY)
TR: Hugh is in Islamabad, Linda. This is John. I'm in Rillirillibad. In the province of Donundestan.
SS: I don't understand, John.
(DELAY)
TR: Well, that's where I am anyway. Donundestan. (SS: John, you were fired.) TR: I'm sorry, what?
SS: You're toast, John.
TR: We're having a problem with satellite delay, Linda. And the battery in my headphones keeps cutting out. ----I meant to get a new battery in Uzbeckistan, and I couldn't find one to fit this headphone. ---- I think it takes a double A and they only had A's. I looked all over. No batteries. Must've looked in twenty or thirty shops. A word to the wise. Don't try buying batteries at an Uzbekistan 7-11. The battery selection is terrible. And all they've got to drink are Borscht Slurpees. --- You there, Linda?
SS: I'm not interested in your battery situation, John --- what do you hear about Kabul?
(DELAY)
TR: I haven't seen him. ---- You mean Ted?
SS: No. The city-----
(DELAY)
TR: I hear "Nightline"'s ratings are up.
SS: Never mind. Do you have a report from Rillirillibad, John? (DELAY)
(TOGETHER)
TR: This is John Knotright reporting from Rillirillibad, where the situation remains tense ----
SS: John, are you there? ---- Go ahead, John.
(DELAY)
(TOGETHER)
TR: This is John Knotright reporting from Rillirillibad where the situation remains extremely tense ----
SS: John, don't talk when I talk. Okay? John? John, listen to me. Okay? Count to four and then tell us what's happening in Rillirillibad. Okay?
(DELAY)
TR: Two................three........................four. This is John Knotright, reporting from Rillirillibad where the situation remains tense and where there is a general sense of uncertainty about what may be coming next. There is a general lack of information pervading this city and what's going on, nobody can be sure. There is a sense of things happening nearby, distant explosions and panicky refugees on the roads and all of that sort of thing, but exactly what's going on, nobody can be sure. People simply have no idea what might be coming next. It's very difficult to convey this mood of uncertainty to people who've never experienced this culture of Afghanistan, the air of mystery, the sense that there is much more to the picture than we know at the moment. And the mood here is definitely one of apprehension. In English, over the years, an afghan has come to mean a shawl, or wrapper, or throw, and one could say that this city at the moment is blanketed with apprehension, especially with winter approaching. Of course, since Sept. 11 changed our world forever, perhaps there is no such thing as certainty. Perhaps the age of certainties has ended and a new age of apprehension has begun. This is John Knotright, reporting live from Rillirillibad in the mountains of Donundestan.
(PAUSE)
SS: That's it???? You have no idea what's happening?
(DELAY)
TR: These headphones are breaking up on me, Linda. It's hard to get batteries here.
SS: John, I am trying to talk to you as one adult to another. You're a journalist, John. You're supposed to tell us things. So why don't you?
(DELAY)
TR: You were asking me a question a moment ago, Linda----
(PAUSE, THEN SIMUL)
SS: John, what's going on?
TR: I don't think I heard----
(PAUSE, THEN SIMUL)
SS: John----
TR: Sorry----
(PAUSE, THEN SIMUL)
SS: John, would you please shut up?
TR: I seem to have stepped on you there.
(PAUSE, THEN SIMUL)
SS: John, shut up.
TR: I'll stop talking now.
SS: John, DON'T TALK WHEN I TALK. John, when you say that people are apprehensive, what are they apprehensive about?
TR: Two....................three....................four. I think the cause of the apprehension is this whole uncertainty thing here. The lack of information and so forth. So-------( PAUSE, THEN SIMUL) Anything else I can tell you, Linda?
SS: John, is there anything you know? Any information? Any hearsay? Anything?
(DELAY)
TR: You want me to talk now?
SS: Yes.
(DELAY)
TR: Okay.
(PAUSE, THEN SIMUL)
SS: Go ahead----
TR: It seems to me------ Sorry. I forgot. One..............two.................three..................four. I just want to emphasize what I said before about the information age perhaps coming to an end, at least here in Afghanistan.
SS: John, we didn't pay all that money to send you halfway around the world to talk like somebody's C-minus term paper. John, are you even leaving your hotel room or what is going on there?
(DELAY)
TR: That's just how I see it, Linda. One man's view.
SS: John, we have reports the Northern Alliance is using horses. Have you seen men on horseback?
(DELAY)
TR: I'm not in Horsbakistan, Linda; I' m in Donundestan.
SS: John, are there troops on horses? Have you seen any sort of troops? Or anything?
(DELAY)
TR: I've seen "F Troop" a couple of times. On Rillirillibad cable. And then there was a thunderstorm and I lost the signal.
(TOGETHER)
TR: This is really starting to take a personal toll on me, I want you to know. (SS: John, stop talking. STOP, John.) I just feel like my whole world is crashing down, emotionally and every other way. (SS: JOHN, SHUT UP! I don't CARE what you're feeling right now, John. We didn't send you there to feel!)
(DELAY)
TR: (WEEPY) It really makes me feel bad when you yell at me like that. I just want to share that with you.
SS: Let me share this with you, John. If I were there, I could make you feel much worse.
TR: I could really use a drink right about now. (PAUSE)
SS: John. You idiot. Listen to me. Do you still hear thunder, John?
(DELAY)
TR: Well, people here wonder, too.
SS: Thunder, John. Do you hear thunder?
(DELAY)
TR: Sorry, Linda. Couldn't hear you with all that thunder going on.
SS: So you DO hear thunder?
(DELAY)
TR: I read you, Linda. Yes, there is thunder now as I speak. (SS: Where is it?) In the distance. I'm sorry, what?
SS: Where is the thunder?
(DELAY)
TR: Two........three...........four. It's in the distance.
SS: Go toward the thunder, John. Find the thunder. Go to where the thunder is. Get in the middle of the thunder, until you hear thunder on all sides, John. Do you hear me?
(DELAY)
TR: Go to the thunder, Linda? (DELAY)
SS: Yes, John. Go to the center of the thunder. Thunder on all sides. And wait there, John, until you see horses. Then call us. Goodbye, John. (DELAY)
TR: Standing by, Linda. (DELAY)
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer in Washington, with the latest on the situation in Rillirillibad.
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC newS THEME: TR: A NATION IN CRISIS LOOKS INWARD)
© Garrison Keillor 2001