(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell; VS: Vern Sutton)
GK: So many people have asked me about my open-heart operation in July and asked how I'm feeling, and the answer is, I'm feeling terrific, because that's how I was brought up. To deal with adversity. To pick up your chin when things go against you. To let a smile be your umbrella and to look for the silver lining. There was a radio show I loved as a kid, called Buster The Show Dog, maybe some of you remember it, about a dog named Buster who could talk --- I mean, he couldn't carry on a conversation, but he could say certain things, like the Pledge of Allegiance and the 23rd Psalm and he could recite all 87 counties of Minnesota, his big trick.
TK (DOG): Aitkin,Anoka, Becker, Beltrami, Benton, Big Stone, Blue Earth,Brown, Carlton, Carver, Cass, Chippewa, Clay, Clearwater.....
GK: But then one winter he put his tongue on a pump handle and it froze to the iron and ---- Buster lost his power of speech, he could only bark. And howl. (HOWL) Anyway, it was his show.......Saturday nights, about this time.......
(THEME)
TR (ANNC): Yes, Hoop-De-Doo, America's Favorite Party Snacks, presents the Adventures of Buster the Show Dog (WOOFS).......with Keith Thompson as Benny and Russell Timmy as Father Finian.......and Scotty Sumiyaki as Sheila the Christian Jungle Girl.........
TK (TEEN): Where's Buster? I ain't seen him all day.
SS: Oh my gosh. He followed me to the beach and I wonder if he---- O no-----
TK (TEEN): The abandoned mineshaft?
SS: I'm afraid so. (ORGAN STING)
TR (IRISH): Faith, whatever gets into that dog that he has to go down every mineshaft for miles around........(MUSIC)
GK: But that was the message of the show----- you learn something from suffering and adversity that you don't learn from comfort and pleasure. Back when I was first showing symptoms of heart problems, my cardiologist, Buck, told me to go to a resort down south and take it easy for awhile.
TR (KIRK DOUGLAS): Just sit in the sun doing nothing. Play cards, drink tequila sunrises, get a tan. Doctor's orders.
GK: So we went and I hated it. (OUTDOOR TROPICAL AMBIENCE, NIGHTTIME, CRICKETS, ETC.)
SS: You---- you seem restless, dissatisfied. You don't like it? The pool? The azaleas and dogwood? The 24-hour room service?
GK: It's not for me.
SS: These beautiful warm nights sitting out here beside the pool? Naked?
GK: It's not my kind of thing. Where I come from, people's idea of topless is to take out their dental plates. You go down South --- (RAUNCHY SAX) ---- you find so much hedonism and carnal pleasure......
TR (BARKER): Hurra hurra hurra, step right up, the show is continuous, the show never stops ---- right through these two red doors are the most beautiful women in the world and none of them, I say none of them, has a stitch of clothing on whatsoever --- all naked, all the time --- absolutely bare naked, au naturel, stark naked, naked as jaybirds, unclothed, topless, bottomless, and 100% nude or your money back --- Children under 18 not admitted, unless accompanied by money.
(FADING) check it out for yourselves, get your tickets now......
GK: That's down south, in Houston, New Orleans, Atlanta, Miami, you find fleshpots and hoochie-koochie shows, taxi dancers, B-girls, strippers, the whole thing, and like the song says, the livin' is easy......
SS (SOUTHERN): Hey, you Jimmy Joe --- where's Billy Bob? I thought he was bringing a Co'Cola for me. Linda Lou sure could use a nice cold Co'Cola. And bring one for Fannie Fay, too! And be sure you put a little whiskey in it. (CHICKEN) Get down off that table! What's the matter with you? (CHICKEN FLURRY)
GK: That's what you get from living in paradise. Paradise is nice in theory, but----- when it comes right down to it, comfort makes you stupid. So I came back to St. Paul.
SS: Why? Why?
GK: (MUSIC UNDER, QUIET, PATRIOTIC) I have to be at my post and do my duty. Just like the mailmen. The snowplow guys. The teachers. For the little kids waiting for the school bus in the dark at the end of the long driveway at 6 in the morning when it's 20 below. They're counting on me. I don't want them to hear that I was lounging beside a swimming pool.
SS: But why? Why go back to St. Paul? Why now?
GK: So that we can suffer. (MUSIC BRIDGE) Which we are about to do. October is the time of year when we put away our T-shirts and shorts and sandals and haul the winter clothes up from the basement --- the bearskin robes and cloaks and hobnailed galoshes and oilskins --- and it's painful because the summer clothes seem to look up at us and say:
SS (PURRING): I really enjoyed being on your body all summer, I love your chest and your shoulders and your back and your, mmmmmmmmm, well, everything about you.
GK: And the winter clothing says ----
TK: Ten-shun!
TR: Line em up!
TK: I want to see chins up, guts in, heels together, back straight--- I said, STRAIGHT, trooper. (MORE D.I.)
GK: It's late October and it's time for us to put aside sensuous pleasure----
SS (PURRING): I wish I could be reincarnated as a pair of shorts.
GK: And prepare ourselves for a state of total readiness---
TK: (D.I. STUFF)
GK: But we're used to winter in Minnesota, and down deep we're optimists, we're people whose glass is about one-fourth full and we're grateful we have that much. And that's how I felt about my open-heart operation. It was rough. But I learned something from it. It was in late July ---and I wanted to go to the Mayo Clinic but my health insurance wouldn't cover that, and I was sent to the Laredo Clinic instead----
PD (SINGS):
As I walked out in the Laredo Clinic
As I walked out on a solemn gray morn
I saw a young cowboy who was wrapped in white linen
Trying to fill out his HMO form.
I see by your outfit that you are a patient
I see by your pallor that you have been ill
I see by your records that you're a heart patient
I hear from your doctor that you're over the hill.
TR: Howdy. I'm your surgeon. Doc Holliday. Mind if I don't take off my pistol belt? Family of my last patient got a little hot under the collar.
GK: Are you really a surgeon?
TR: Sure. (HAWK, SPIT) And this here is your anesthesiologist, Slim.
TK: Pleased t'meetcha. Take a deep breath. (GK BREATHE) Good. Now pick one of these cards I'm holding in my hand.
TR: He gets the nickname Slim from the percentage of his patients who pull through.
TK: Ha ha ha. Very funny.
TR: What do you say we just (RIP CLOTH) rip off your shirt and get started. (PULL STARTER CORD, DOESN'T START. TRY AGAIN. CHAIN SAW STARTS UP, THEN DIES) Darn. Maybe I better check the oil.
GK: What about anesthesia? And aren't you supposed to paint antiseptic on me?
TK: Naw. If we did it for you, then we'd have to do it for everybody. And here's your anesthesia. (POP CORK) Nice bottle of bourbon whiskey. Go ahead. Have a big slug of it.
TR: You get yourself anesthetized and I'll just sharpen up the knife. (STROKES OF BLADE ON STONE) And we'll get that hernia taken care of pronto.
GK: It's not a hernia. It's my heart.
TR: Okay. Whatever.(MORE STROKES)
GK: I lay on the table looking at the operating team. They were smoking black cheroots and wore riding boots and black Stetsons and white aprons that said, "For This, I Went Through Six Weeks of Medical School?"
TR: Okay, let's try her again. (PULL STARTER, CHAINSAW ROARS TO LIFE)
GK: You're going to cut my chest open---- without anesthesia? Look, I'm not from the greatest generation, okay?
TR (WESTERN): Just put this block of wood between your teeth. (GK MURMUR, MOUTH FULL) This is going to pinch a little when I go into your chest bone---- (SAW FADE, BRIDGE)
GK: I fainted right then and (OXYGEN MACHINE) found myself in a dark room ----- I drifted in and out of consciousness after the heart operation, and then I saw a figure in white standing over me. ----
VS: (WORDLESS CHANTING)
GK: Am I dead?
VS: I doubt it.
GK: Am I dying?
VS: A little bit, but maybe things will perk up in the second half of
the show.
GK: Are you an angel?
VS: Yes, and I'm also your nurse. Your guardian nurse. You're in intensive care.
GK: Am I going to live?
VS: I guess so.
GK: If this were the afterlife, what would I be seeing right now?
VS: I don't know. That's up to God.
GK: What's his feeling about it? Currently?
VS: I don't think I should say.
GK: Is he feeling a little irked?
VS: Well, he had high hopes for you at one time.
GK: What happened? Is it something I said----? Have I been too hard on Lutherans?
VS: Well, his last name is Christiansen, you know.
GK: Would it improve my chances if I went to church more often and maybe coached peewee hockey?
VS: No, it's not about that.
GK: I could go around door to door and raise money for uniforms. I could shovel snow for old people.
VS: You should be doing that anyway.
GK: How soon do I get out of intensive care?
VS: Whenever you like.
GK: I think I'm ready.
VS: As a going away present, you get one wish.
GK: A wish?
VS: A wish. One.
GK: Anything?
VS: Anything.
GK: I'd like to be in Minnesota for winter.
VS: You've got it!(SNOW, WIND, WOLF HOWL)
GK: And there I was. Walking across the frozen tundra (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW), my face frozen but my heart full. And there was Buster. (DOG WOOFS) Oh Buster.......(DOG PANTING, COLLAR JINGLING, LEG THUMPING) We're alive, Buster. We can feel cold and that's how we know ----- we're alive.
A heart filled with joy and gladness
Can always vanquish sadness and strife.
So always look for the silver lining
And try to find the sunny side of life.
© Garrison Keillor 2001